Sunday, December 25, 2011

Vampegeddon (Low Budget Vampires)

Score: 3 Out Of 10
        Ever since the B-Movie Wife made me watch the first Twilight film I have felt a need to see a new movie featuring real vampires. I mean 100% blood drinking, soul stealing, flesh eating, sometimes seductive, undead monsters. Sadly, Vampegeddon does not fill that need. Vampegeddon was directed by Jeffrey Alen Miller and stars Josh Bingenheimer, Sugar Cox (I was actually surprised to find out she is NOT a porn star. I mean, her name is Sugar Cox.) and Shane Dean. I should have known better than to watch this one. The first thing I noticed about it is that it has a one star rating on Netflix. But for some reason I remained hopeful.

         When you think about it, this movie does have a lot  of elements I typically like. There is a a lot of blood, a ton of nudity and at an hour and fifteen minutes, I didn't wind up wasting that much time on it. The problems, unfortunately, start almost immediately for this movie. There may be a lot of blood, but the action scenes are few and far between. There is a lot of nudity, but the girls getting naked aren't really attractive. On top of that, the dialogue is terrible, the acting is worse and it sounds like every body's dialogue was recorded in post so what the timing of what the actors are saying doesn't often match the movement of there mouths. This is made worse by the fact that the original dialogue cuts in once in a while and it has so much ambient noise behind it that you can't understand what the person is saying.

      Overall, if I had to rate this movie on a scale of one to ten, one being Twilight and ten being Bela Lugosi's Dracula, I would have to say negative two. That's right. In hindsight, I would have rather watched Twilight over again had I known this movie sucked so bad. All the sex and violence in the world is nothing with out a good story to back it all up. Next time I think I'll heed the warning of a one star rating on Netflix.

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #bmovieblog    #vampegeddon

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Spider-Man! (Japanese)

       I know this has almost nothing to do with the subject of b-movies, with the exception of how cheesy and silly they are, but I thought I would share some Japanese television goodness with you guys. This is the first 2 episodes of the Japanese Spider-Man T.V. series. Enjoy!

Episode 1. Part 1.

Episode 1. Part 2.

Episode 2. Part 1.

Episode 2. Part 2.

I hope you guys enjoy. Aren't they just awesome?

The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy #bmovieblog #japanesespiderman

Monday, December 5, 2011

Invasion Of The Bee Girls (Bug Spray Won't Save Us)

           Score: 7 Out Of 10
         Hello, this week I'm focusing my attention on a piece of real 70's sci-fi awesomeness... Kinda. "Invasion Of The Bee Girls" (I wonder if it's possible to get a bunch of girls to dress as old bad movie stars who call themselves the B-Girls to follow me around) was released in 1973 and stars William Smith, Anitra Ford and Victoria Vetri. It was directed by Denis Sanders. The plot is pretty simples, One girl is some how turned into a girl with some bee genes in her (this just gives her really big pupils and a uncontrolable urge to mate and kill) and she somehow builds a machine to transform other girls who mate and kill uncontrolably. It's not long before men start dying during intercourse and bodies start popping up all over town. By the way, the 'hows' and 'whys' are never fully explained. The characters just keep hinting at various explenations.

              I am a man. A man who watches bad movies. I argue all the time that bad special effects and sub-par acting should be ignored as long as there is a good story bee-hind it all (Ha, see what I did there!), but this film doesn't even have the good story to back it up. What this movie does have is so much nudity it's almost rediculous. I'm not kidding. There are two nude scenes with in the first fifteen minutes of the movie. There are a pair of boobs in almost every other scene. Now that doesn't make for a good movie mind you, but I have to admit that the over abundance of boobies coupled with a silly plot does make for a pretty entertaing ninety minutes. I'm not going on record and say it's an amazing film, but for what it is it's not that bad.

       The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy     #Bmovieblog   #Invasionofthebeegirls


       I always find it odd how some of the older horror and sci-fi film have this odd kind of sexuality behind tham. Alot of them feature monsters falling in love with or lusting after attractive and helpless women. While I was watching the movie my mind kept flashing back to that concept. I just thought it was interesting to note that this time around it was female monsters taking advantage of men who display helplessness in the sense of letting lust get the better of them. Interesting.

Monday, November 21, 2011

ThanksKilling (Happy Thanksgiving!)

Score: 2 Out Of 10
               Allow me to set the scene for you. It's early in the seventeenth century, a woman in pilgrim garb who looks to be in her late thirties or early forties is running through the woods with her breasts exposed. Actually the movie starts with a tight shot of her nipple. Something that apparently sees everything in shades of purple is chasing her. Eventually she trips and falls boobs first in the dirt and is murdered by a fowl (get it... bird joke!) mouthed turkie wielding an axe. That is the best scene of the movie. The rest is pretty much down hill from here.

                ThanksKilling was released in 2009 and stars Natash Cordova, Lindsey Anderson and Lance Predmore. It was directed by Jordan Downey (for those curious, Mr. Downey is in the process of filming a sequal to this film. It will most likely appear on this blog in 2012). I"mnot even gonna try and sell you on this one. It sucks. I'm used to seeing bad writing, directing, effects and acting, but with alot of other films in this genre, you can tell that the people who made it really had heart and were really trying to make a good movie. This on the other hand, has no heart and no soul. It feels like the people who made this movie made it just because they had nothing better to do. The acting is so bad it's almost as if the actors aren't even really trying. No joke the best performance comes from M.I.L.F. porn star Wanda Lust (she's the pilgrim with the boobs).

             The other thing that bothers me about this film is it's supposed to be a comedy but it's just not funny... at all. Seriously, how many bird puns can you make in a film that's only sixty-some-odd minutes long. I'm gonna have to advise you to stay away from this one. It's just not worth the time you'll spend watching and then trying to forget it.

          The B-Movie Guy. @BMovieguy  #Bmovieblog  #ThanksKilling

Monday, November 7, 2011

Female Prisoner 701 Scorpion: Grudge Song (Part 3 of 3)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

                This is part three of a three part series, so like I said in the second part, if you have not seen the first two (we skipped the film in the series because it was made clear to me by more than a few people that it just wasn't worth watching and you could watch the third without missing any of the plot) you might not want to read this because there will be spoilers...
                 So by comparison to the first two movie I watched from this series, this one is actually kind of a let down. The film opens with our main character, Nami (Once again very well portrayed by Meiko Kaji), once again out of prison and attempting to evade authorities. This is a plot hole. (Spoiler) The last movie ended with her intentionally going back to prison so she could torture an evil pimp who held her friend captive. So how the hell did she get out? I also noticed while watching that the overall style of the film seemed to be some what diminished. It was a lot less colorful and a lot of the cool dialogue seems to have gone missing entirely. It's my theory that the overall problem with this film is Yasuharu Hasebe taking over as director.
                Another problem here is that the film is trying to put forth a message of anti-authority and the horrors of capital punishment. Unfortunately the message is lost in scenes that are needlessly violent and characters who seem to make erratic decisions. At one point I found myself asking, "Why are they raping her?" "Why did I need to see that?" I'm not going to go on a lecture here about how there is too much violence, nudity or sexuality in films, I'm just saying that it all needs to have purpose. If it does not serve the plot, it does not need to be there.
                    In closing, I won't say that this film was bad, it just wasn't good enough. Unfortunately I can't even tell you to watch it as a stand alone, because then you'll just spend an hour and a half with a lot of unanswered questions. Watch the first and third (the second is terrible, remember?) and if you still feel like you need closure then watch it. If not, just be happy with the last films ending and pretend this one doesn't exist. It's like the Rocky V of Japanese women in prison films.

          The B-Movie Guy

#Bmovieblog #Femaleprisoner701

Monday, October 31, 2011

Female Prisoner Scorpion: Beast Stable (Part 2 of 3)

Score: 8 Out Of 10
           So let me say this right off the bat, the film featured on this weeks blog is a sequel to last weeks entry (true, there is one film between the two, but this one is far superior to that sequel and picks right up where the first film left off. By skipping the second film, you're not missing anything. I promise). By reading this you will know the ending to the first film. This is the official "Spoiler Alert." If you read any further it will ruin the ending to Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion. She kills the guy who set her up and his whole crew after she escapes from prison. Told you so.
          Wow. This is a really good follow up. I have to admit I'm kinda jaded when it comes to sequels. Lets face it, we live in a society where a second and/or third film normally means ninety minutes of actors and actresses not returning, directors not returning, bad plots and movies made quick and cheep just to cash in on the success of the original. Director Shunya Ito clearly has his shit together. The first thing he does right is bring back Meiko Kaji as Nami Matsushima (Scorpion). No joke, she plays this role so well, if I ever run into her in person I'm going to turn around and walk away out of fear for my life.
             The story follows our main character, Nami, as she is now out of prison and trying to evade authorities (she doesn't help that cause by spending the duration of the opening credits running through Tokyo waving a severed arm around). Not long into the movie she befriends a down-and-out prostitute and soon attempts to liberate her from her pimps. Despite the films plot (and the previously mentioned severed arm waving), this one is actually a bit slower than the first. There is some graphic violence (I don't want to give to much away, but there's a pretty nasty scene with a golf club and I'm wondering if writer, Hiro Matsuda, has something against pregnant women), but is few and far between. There is also not a lot of nudity when you compare it to the first as well. The main focus here seemed to be character building and giving the audience a bit more of an idea as to what makes Nami tick.
           Overall, I have to say this is a pretty great follow up. Meiko Kaji turns in a great performance despite the fact that her character is silent through most of the film. The plot also serves the first film well while leaving out enough details to still be enjoyable if you haven't seen the first. The only question left is how good will a third film be?

Did you see the arm in the trailer? Awesome, right?

   The B-Movie Guy
#Bmovieblog  #Femaleprisoner701

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion (Part 1 of 3)

Score: 9 Out Of 10
         Holy Japanese-women-in-prison-films was this film ever awesome! No joke, I have run the complete gamut of emotions with in the last hour and a half. First I was laughing, then I was mad as hell, then I was almost crying and then i was... well... you know... Anyway. I must say this film really impressed me. I am no stranger to women's prison films (ex: "Caged Heat(1974)" and "Women In Cell Block 7(1974)"), but this one is different! It was directed by Shunya Ito, and it stars Meiko Kaji, Rie Yokoyama and Isao Natsuyagi. It was released (in Japan) in 1972. The plot of the film is a woman is tricked by her police officer boyfriend and sent in undercover on a drug bust which leads to her brutal rape. Later she attempts to kill her now exboyfriend in an act of revenge and is sent to prison for her troubles where she tries to escape and later is mixed up in a hostage situation.
            I'm not going to lie to you guys, alot of the classic exploitation elements are here. There is alot of female nudity (some male nudity, but no penis... sorry girls) through out the film and plenty over the top violence. What sets this film apart from others in the genre is the fact that the story and the action os all prtrayed very tastefully and the film over all is very emotionally driven. it did not feel at all like the movie was an excuse to get a bunch of hot (and some of them were pretty hot!) japanese girls to parade around naked, there was very good stroy to tie it all together. A story so good that I've already to dedicated the next to blog posts to the films two sequals. There were however some unintentional laughs. Mainly from feighned hits between characters. More than a few times, one character would strike another, clearly missing by about a half a foot, and the character on the receiving end would over react. But all in all, I didn't feel that hindered the film at all. Lets hope the sequals are as good!

   The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog  #Femaleprisoner701

Monday, October 17, 2011

Retardead (A Fail On Every Level)

Score: 1 Out Of 10         
                I don't even know where to begin with what is wrong with this film.  Have you ever sat through a movie to see the main characters make a stupid pun at the end just before the credits role and wonder if the entire film was written just for that one pun? That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. For a film that runs a little more than an hour and a half, the best part is when they make the lame joke at the end (well, that and when the credits finally came). "Retardead (after having viewed the film I realize now just how appropriate that title is)" was written, directed, produced and stars Rick Popko and Dan West. It also features Tony Adams and Michael Allen. All of the people mentioned should feel ashamed.
               The movie opens with some fake trailers (A la "Grindhouse"), then flows into a film that is supposed to be a sequel to "Monsturd." The plot revolves around a little girl telling a story (that aspect of the film is for some reason abandoned by the end of the film) about a mad man who creates zombies out of mentally challenged adults who for some reason are in a classroom like setting (this is never explained). The problem with the movie is that until about half way through, it's a movie about the police chasing a guy who masturbates in public. The movie as a whole falls short because of bad acting, bad camera work (it feels like the movie was shot on hand held digital cameras) and the nagging feeling that the film was written by a thirteen year old. Overall it was just boring.

   The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Retardead

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Sex Galaxy! (Thank You, And Please Recycle The Boobs After Use)

Score: 8 Out Of 10
      Problem: I have a script that is pretty awesome and a cast that is ready to go, but I don't have enough money to actually bring in sets or cameras or lights or anything like that. What do I do? Solution: Get a bunch of public domain films, cut them all together and erase the original sound, then get my friends to record original dialogue. Believe it or not, it actually works quite well for this one.

           "Sex Galaxy" was written and directed by Mike Davis and stars Ben Phillips, Anthony Jenkins and Casey Robinson. I kid you not, this movie was hilarious. The film is mainly a retooling of the sci-fi classic "Voyage To The Planet Of Prehistoric Women." In that film a team of astronauts crash down on Venus to find scantily clad women an weird monsters. In this new movie, however, 100 years into Earth's future, sex has been outlawed to control the population and global warming has pretty much left the place a mess. So two astronauts team up to take their friend to, you guessed it, the Sex Galaxy so he can get laid at least once before he gets married.

          If you could mix "Mystery Science Theater 3000" with "Whats Up Tiger Lilly" and "American Pie," what you would get is "Sex Galaxy!" Don't let the name or the thirteen-year-old-boy-mentality behind the films premise fool you, this is one of the most entertaining films I've seen in a very long time. It has plenty of sci-fi cheesy-ness to it and is not afraid at all to make fun of it's self. The nudity in this film also comes from old public domain films and actually serves to the entertainment value of the film. It's fun to see where they cut in old stag films and to here the characters make raunchy jokes with really bad dub jobs. Don't let the name fool you, this is a true can't miss B-Film. If I had seen it a few months ago, it might very well be holding a spot on the bucket list!

    The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Sexgalaxy

Monday, September 19, 2011

Maniac (80' Slasher Perfection)

Score: 7 Out Of 10
           Hell-o B-Movie fans! First and foremost I must apologize for being a day late on this one. I was working on a bit yesterday with the wonderful people over at It was some of the most fun I've had in a while, and a big thank you to those guys for letting me participate. That being said, this week's film is the 1980 cult slasher film Maniac!

          This is film directed by William Lustig, and stars Joe Spinell, Caroline Munro and Abigail Clayton. The plot revolves around a grown man who's mother died while he was a child and now he feels compelled to go out at night and murder women (why does that sound so familiar... Ki, ki, ki ... Ah, ah, ah). Believe it or not, this one was actually pretty entertaining. It was very well paced and did not hold back on the gore at all. Keep a look out for a cameo appearance by legendary special effects artist Tom Savini, as well (he's the guy taking a shotgun blast to the face).
Fun Fact:  Rumor has it, the song "Maniac" was originally written for this film, but was left on the cutting room floor. Later it was rerecorded with different lyrics and used in the film "Flashdance."

              So, I have to give this film pretty high marks! It's definitely effective and very creepy. If your a real horror fan (or porn fan) you'll get a good kick out of some of the cameos and references to classic Italian horror films. I should also note that in contrast to some of this films contemporaries, the acting and dialogue is actually pretty good and really goes a long way to sell the action. Not a bad way to spend ninety minutes if you ask me.

  The B-Movie Guy.

          Allow me to tell you a story. I couldn't help but laugh a little to myself when I saw Tom Savini pop up in this film. The reason is because some years ago, The B-movie Wife, Myself and our friend Jason were making plans to go to a convention. This was going to be a particular big one for Jason and I. One of our favorite movies at the time was "Day of the Dead," and the man responsible for the special effects, Mr. Savini, was going to be in attendance signing autographs and answering questions. About an hour before the con, I called Jason to tell him I was on my way to pick him up. He informed me that his girlfriend, who apparently had bought season passes to Sea World, informed him that morning that they taking their son to see world that morning.

"Dude! We're talking about TOM SAVINI!"

"You think I don't know that?! She said I can't miss this. It's a chance to bond with my kid."

"You can do that tomorrow!"


           So fast forward about an hour, The Mrs. and I are at the hotel and walking towards the convention hall and she's asking me what I'd like to do first. I respond, "Well let's find an ATM, then we'll hi... OH HOLY CRAP THAT'S TOM SAVINI STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE!" He actually here's me say this and gives me a somewhat shocked look. Later in the day I collect myself and go over to his booth and apologize for my out burst and we spend a little time making polite conversation. Then I explain to him that my friend Jason was supposed to join us on this excursion but his girlfriend (not wife, girlfriend) pulled the leash and made him got to Sea World instead. At this Tom actually looks offended and repeats "Sea World?!" He then (no joke) took an 8x10 photo of himself and a sharpie and starts writing on it, signs it and hands it to me and says, "Make sure he gets this."

            I thanked him and walked away satisfied with meeting and having an experience with one of my childhood idols. Later I read the photo and it said, "Dear Jason, Sorry you're so pussy-whipped. Love, Tom." True story!

#Bmovieblog #Maniac #Tomsavini

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A Serbian Film (I'm Really Going To Hell For This One.)

            Score: Impossible to score.

              Every once in a long while a film comes along that touches us, inspires us and moves us. This is sure as hell not that film! This could be one of the most depraved and violent films I have ever watched, but oddly, I couldn't look away. The film was released (not in America) in 2010 and was directed and produced by Srdjan Spasojevic. It stars Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic and Jelena Gavrilovic. The plot revolves around a former porn star who is having money problems and agrees to do one more project to make money to support his family. He agrees to the film without any knowledge of what he will have to do and is consequently pushed to his limits.
                         I cannot in good conscience recommend this movie to anyone. That is not to say that I didn't enjoy the film, the honest truth is that I cannot decide if I liked it or hated it. On more than a few levels, this film actually offended me (and I'm a very difficult person to offend when it comes to movies), but there was a strong enough story that I kept telling myself "I have to see what happens to these people!" On top of that, this film features one of the best twist endings I've seen in a very long time (Must not spoil! Must not spoil!). On the other hand, like I said earlier, this IS one of the most depraved and violent films I have ever seen. This distinction reaches past the blog as well.
            By the end of the film, I saw rape, mutilation, drug use, pedophilia and necrophilia. Beyond that, what really makes this film horrific was that the actors and actresses were so good that I was buying into every single moment of it. In most of the gore and exploitation films I've seen, there is a comic element to it because of bad acting, bad dialogue and bad special effects. This movie suffered from none of those problems. It was one hundred percent believable from start to finish, and that is what makes it so unnerving.

 The B-Movie Guy.

A Serbian Film will be released in America on October 25th, 2011.

#Bmovieblog #Aserbianfilm

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Hell Night (Scary Retards!)

Score: 6 Out Of 10
            Hello, B-movie fans! This week I have a classic 80's horror flick for you. "Hell Night!" The story is one you've probably have heard before. Years ago a man murders most of his family in their home (Amityville?), fast forward to 1981 and some say that he and his "mongoloided" (one of the actors actually says that. Not my terminology, thanks.) may or may not still live somewhere in the house. Then some college kids come by and lock four of there friends inside telling them they'll come back for them at dawn. This film reminded me very much of such other haunted house flicks like "House On Haunted Hill(1959)" and "The Haunting(1963)."
                 "Hell Night" was directed by Todd DeSimone (you might recognize his name from the film "Reform School Girls." Another classic!) and stars Linda Blair, Vincent Van Patten and Peter Barton. Now before you guys write this one off as another 1980's cheep-ass horror flick, I should inform you that this is a 1980's cheep-ass horror flick with heart! Almost all the actors and actresses turn in pretty good and believable performances, the bad guys were effectively creepy and there were plenty of genuinely tense scenes, more than a few jump-out-scares and some really horrific moments. Another interesting thing to note about this film is that despite what most of the other horror films were doing in the 80's in terms of gore and nudity, there is almost no gore and no nudity in the entire film! This movie actually works very well as a psychological horror film because they don't show you much.

               The only thing that brings this movie down is it's pacing. There are a lot of really exciting scenes in this movie, but at the same time, there are at least 5 scenes where I found myself just getting bored. The film runs for about 101 mins. and afterward I felt like they could have cut this down to 85 or 90 mins.. But don't let that stop you, "Hell Night' is still pretty good if you're are willing to invest the time.

The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Hellnight

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Score: 4 Out Of 10
          For about a year now, people have been coming up to me and asking, "Hey, B-movie Guy, have you seen Human Centipede?" In fact, almost every time I get into a discussion about this blog, or B-movies or movies in general, this particular film always seems to get mentioned. Some people have ranted about how absolutely disgusting it is while others seem to laugh and go on about how much fun they had with it. I am neither of those.
          This film was directed by Tom Six and it stars (is 'stars' really the appropriate term?) Dieter Laser (star of the film 'Suck My Dick.'-it's an actual movie, not a porno. Look it up.), Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie. The plot is centered on two porn stars who get lost in what may or may not be Eastern Europe and arrive at the door step of an insane doctor who wants to stitch them ass to mouth with a third unwilling participant. I know what you're saying; "But B-Movie Guy, that's just cray!" Yes, yes it is.

                One thing I feel is important to mention is that I actually felt disappointed in a weird kinda way because they never actually show the surgery being performed. There is all kinds of build up, including a really creepy scene where the good doctor explains the surgery to his patients, and then they just skip over it and show you the end result. In fact most of the violence in this film is really no worse than any random 1980's action film. Most of the really gross stuff is really just in your head. Even the scene where the first segment realizes they have to poop. You just see a lot of crying and some dry heaving.
                So over all, I have to say this film was some what of a let down. I really didn't get any of the big shocks or gross out moments I was waiting for. I can appreciate that Tom Six went the more psychological route and let his audience imagine most of the real terror, but this film was marketed on the premise that it is the sickest thing you will ever see. Unfortunately that is what kills it. They should have marketed it as a psychological horror film and not a gross out movie.

The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Thehumancentipede

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Male Nudity (This is where i lose everyone)

           Some people who read this blog have asked me lately why there is so much female nudity in b-movies (really movies in general) and so little male nudity. I've decided to make an attempt at explaining this phenomenon. Okay, here goes: The film industry is run by men and we are pretty much all scumbags. I have no problem admitting that we (men) are pretty much all perverts, but at the same time I sympathize with the female audience. They deserve a little something too, right? So in attempt to even the score a bit, here is a list of b-films with male nudity in them:

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

The Groove Tube (1974)

Salo (1975)

I Am Curious (1967

(NO TRAILER... That sucks. It's a good one.)

Sweet Sweetbacks Badasssss Song (1971)

Thrillers: A Cruel Picture (A Hookers Revenge) (They Call Her One Eye) (1974)

Romance X (1999)

Antichrist (2009)

The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Penis

Hobo With A Shotgun (When life hands you razor blades...)

 Score: 10 Out Of 10
         "I used to be like you... a long time ago. All brand new and perfect. No mistakes, no regrets. People look at you and think of how wonderful your future will be. They want you to be something special... like a doctor or a lawyer. I hate to tell you this, but if you grow up here, you're more likely to wind up selling your bodies on the streets, or shooting dope from dirty needles in a bus stop. And if you're successful, you'll make money selling junk to crackheads. And don't think twice about killing someone's wife, because you won't even know it's wrong in the first place. Maybe... you'll end up like me. A hobo with a shotgun."
                    This movie really got me going. It had everything! A compelling story, violence, boobies (briefly), and hobos! The story revolves around a hobo (who is never actually named) who witnesses a decapitation in the streets, stops a rape, is beaten down by a dirty police chief, befriends a prostitute, engages in spirited conversations about bears and grabs a shotgun during a robery and starts blasting bad guys. Soon after he decides to make a career out of blasting bad guys and the movie becomes a true epic of b-films. It was directed by Jason Eisener and stars Rutger Hauer, Brian Downey and Molly Dunsworth. It runs for 86 mins.
                  Another cool thing about this movie is that while watching the it I got the feeling that the people who made it were really passionate about it. Rutger Howard and Brian Downey turn in really great performances and have great chemistry playing opposite of each other! Another thing that deserves mention is the way the violence is portrayed. The movie never seems as violent as it really is (with maybe a couple of exceptions) because of how over the top oit is. More often than not while watching, the violence reminds me more of an "Itchy and Scratchy" short than it does any real life situation. Even when they burned the scchool bus full of children I caught myself giggling... When I read that last sentance back out loud, it sounded pretty bad. Can we forget I just said that? Please?

                 In conclusion, this was a movie well worth it's run time. It was funny, compelling and and got a good couple of shocks out of me! Perfect for entertaing a group of drunken friends.

The B-Movie Guy.


#Bmovieblog #Hobowithashotgun

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Nude Per Satana (Naked For Satan)

          Score: 3 Out Of 10 
            This week I thought I would write about a real gem of Italian eroticism, then I watched "Nude For Satan" and decided to write about that instead. The movie is about an hour and a half and stars Rita Calderoni, Stelio Candelli and James Harris. It was directed by Luigi Batzella and was released in October of 1974. The film is about a man who arrives at an Italian castle and begs the inhabitants for help with an injured women and is soon sucked (in more ways than one... you know what? I'm just going to apologize now for that joke and anymore I might make later. Sorry.) into a weird fantasy world of sex and... um... well... sex.
             The real problem with the film is that it spends ninety mins. trying to be artistic, but after twenty mins. I was left with the impression that it was just an excuse to show the same woman naked over and over, then late in the movie show three women naked over and over. Not that there is anything wrong with that. The other problem, and I'm not sure how this happened, what with all the boobies and all, but the movie as a whole was just plain boring. Several times I fought the urge to pick up my iPad and start looking through Facebook. The story didn't draw me in at all, the dialogue was often silly or just weird and the incredibly fake spider didn't even get me laughing like other incredibly fake spiders have before (see The Fly (1958) and Tarantula (1955)). I never thought I'd say this, but... I guess lots of nudity doesn't make for a good movie. Wow. That hurt a little to say out loud.

                  I know right! That's a really cool looking trailer! What happened!?

The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Nudepersatana #Nakedforsatan

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl (Why are the Japanese so racist?)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

             I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just address the elephant in the room. This film is kinda racist... okay, it's really, really racist. There is a group of Japanese girls wearing black make up and wearing prosthetics acting like complete and total (American) black stereotypes. One of them at one point attacks another student with a spear and in another scene three of them are playing bongos and chanting, "Obama! Obama! Obama!" It's pretty bad.
           If you can get past that, it's otherwise not a bad movie. I mean, the CGI sucks, the acting sucks, there's no nudity, and it really doesn't get all that gory until the last twenty minutes of the film. Okay, so maybe it was pretty bad. But it didn't feel that bad while I was watching it. The movie is almost ninety minutes and was directed by Yoshohiro Nishimura and Naoyuki Tomomatsu. It stars Yukie Kawamura (vampire girl) and Eri Otoguro (frankenstein girl). It was released in 2009.

           So i guess the redeaming quality here is the crazy Japanes humor. The film is more often then not really funny... I mean minus the black thing. It's hard, I really want to like this film, but I think most people who read this will go, "Wow B-Movie Guy, your a racist!" Mybe that's a rediculous fear, but it is still keeping me from giving this film a good review. Well, that and the fact that minus the rest of the comedy, it pretty much sucked. Anyway, watch it and deciede for yourself. Then you can email me after and we can talk about how guilty we feel for having enjoyed it. I really am going to hell.

   The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Vampiregirlvsfrankenstiengirl

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I Spit On Your Corpse. (SO MANY BOOBIES!)

       Score: 10 Out Of 10
           I'm not gonna lie to you. I really expected this movie to suck. I took one look at the title and thought, 'Great, another movie re-released with a new title (It was originally released as "Girls for Rent") to try and cash in on the underground success of the "I Spit On Your Grave'" remake. I wanted to hate it. I wanted to sit in the couch and spend 90 mins. making fun of it then write a blog where I tell people about how it was the worst movie ever. I was so wrong, it's a crime. This is quite possibly the most fun I've had watching a movie in a long time. It has everything!

Awesome seventies score: Check.

Car chases: Check.

Gun fights: Check.

A woman getting topless to fight: Check.

At least one sex scene that has nothing to do with anything: Check.

                  I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning. The movie stars Georgina Spelvin, Susan McIver and Rosalind Miles and it was directed by Al Adamson. The plot is simple, A women drugs/fucks a guy to death then decides she can't be a call girl anymore so she decides to run away to Mexico. Then, two super sexy seventies assassins give chase thinking she'll talk and ruin the whole prostitution ring they helped build. The assassins then shoot, fight and have sex with everything that stands in there way.
                This movie is a prime example of 1970's exploitation and was made much in the same vein as "Switchblade Sisters" and "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" So far I have to admit it might be one of my favorite of that particular genre.

Did you watch the trailer? Isn't that fucking awesome! Drop what ever your doing right now and get a copy of this movie to watch! Watch it on Netflix, order it on eBay or steal it off the Internet. I don't care, it's that awesome!


The B-Movie Guy.


Seriously, it was awesome.

#Bmovieblog #Ispitonyourcorpse #Girlsforrent

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Mothers Day (Um... Sorry, Mom.)

Score: 7 Out Of 10
                        Oh, where to begin. Let's start with the plot. Three college roommates reunite for a weekend camping trip and are kidnapped, beaten and raped by backwoods hill-folk and there psychotic mother. It stars Nancy Hendrickson, Frederick Coffin and Beatrice Pons. It was written and directed by Charles Kaufman (brother of some-what-legendary independent film maker, Lloyd Kaufman) and produced by Troma Films. Allow me to say now that the fact that it's a Troma film from the 80's should give you an idea of how this is going to go.
                       This movie has a huge personality crisis. It can't decide if it wants to be a serious 'horrible things happen to not so horrible people when they enter very rural areas type of movie (much in the style of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "Last House On The Left" and "Virgin Spring"- look that one up)' or a typical campy bra less Troma movie. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to Troma (more often than not I really love those guys), but this one had me entertaining the idea that maybe I have a problem with split personality. I spent the better part of the last 90 mins. either rolling my eyes or seriously rooting for the girls to escape and/or get revenge on their captors. Make up your mind, Charles! On the other hand I do have to hand it to all the actors and actresses for handing in some very solid performances. Like I said, for a good part of the film I was really into it.
                     The special effects weren't bad. They weren't great, but they weren't bad for a film shot for around $115,000. I was also impressed with the scenery. I was able to tell that they really did go to the middle of nowhere to shoot this film. Rumor also has it that the house where a good part of this film took place (which was decorated with spray painted phrases, like: "Die, Bitch!" and "Sex is immoral," and a John Travolta poster) had a dead body in it when the crew discovered it. Something like that just screams "DON'T FILM HERE!" On a scale of 1-10, I give this one a 6. It would have scored higher if it was more consistent with it's style, but was still enjoyable.

The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Mothersday

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Suck (Great Googly-Moogly, A Film I Actually Enjoyed!)

Score: 9 Out Of 10
                So what happens when you mash up "Rocky Horror" and "Spinal Tap?" Answer? Suck: A really (not sarcastic) good film about vampires and a rock band. This film was made in 2009 and stars Rob Stefaniuk (who also wrote and directed it), Jessica Pare (BTW, if someone could email me and let me know how to get letters with accents on this thing it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.), Alice Cooper and Malcolm McDowell. Not to mention cameos by Henry Rollins, Moby (because nothing says heavy metal vampires like Moby) and... OHMYGODITSIGGYPOPILOVEIGGYPOP!!!!... I mean... and Iggy Pop.

                Our film opens up to a failing rock band who after a horrible gig in Canada has their bass player(Jennifer) seduced by Goth Carrot Top.
                   Yup, that's him. I mean, seriously, every time this guy was on camera it was an unintentional laugh. Anyway, after the seduction, poor Jennifer is turned into a vampire and soon starts infecting the rest of the band. This movie features plenty of jokes (most of them actually work),recreations of classic album covers and a soundtrack that actually makes me want to look it up on iTunes (must not admit to stealing music on blog).
                This is where I feel I need to make a statement for all would-be-filmmakers out there. A lot of people might take away points from this film for it's almost total lack of special effects (it features a toy car for most of the travel scenes). There were no over the top vampire death scenes or gory transformation scenes. Instead what you get is a cast turning in solid performances that really sell you. It was easy for me to get lost in this film because i was able to get behind the characters despite how goofy some of them may have been. In closing I give this film an 8 out of 10. Not really an original idea for a movie, but done very well.

The B-Movie Guy.


My new favorite line in a movie: "It's okay. I'm afraid of confined spaces... and water fountains.

                 #bmovieblog #Suck

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Rock 'N Roll Frankenstein (how does a movie with this awsome of a title fail so bad?)

Score: 3 Out Of 10
          So what we have here is a film that I was super excited to watch, then got about an hour into the film and just started to feel disappointed. I do have to give it some credit, though. The movie did inspire the following conversation between the B-Movie-Wife and myself:

B-Movie-Wife: Is that guy masturbating to autopsy photos?

B-Movie-Guy: Maybe he's just scratching an itch.

B-Movie-Wife: *Gives me a raised eye brow.

B-Movie-Guy: Scratching the itch to masturbate to autopsy photos! Huh! Huh!

*Awkward moment of silence passes.

B-Movie-Wife: That's not funny.

B-Movie-Guy: I know.

        "Rock 'N Roll Frankenstein" was released in 1999, stars Graig Guggenheim, Jayson Spence and Barry Feterman. It was written and directed by Brian O'Hara. The plot is as follows: A down on his luck music producer hires his nephew (Dr. Franky Stein), an out of work coroner (also the guy playing jerky-jerky to the autopsy photos... ew.), to stitch together parts of dead rock stars to build the ultimate rock front man. Everything is going just splendidly until Franky mistakenly grafts Liberace's penis to the monster.
          This film at heart is a modernization of the classic Frankenstein story (just swap the 'wrong brain' bit with a 'wrong penis' bit), but quickly becomes just a series of bad gay jokes. the only part of the film that really got me laughing was a wonderful scene where the monster (referred to as 'King') tries to jam a gerbil up his own ass, but then gives up and in a moment of total randomness, decides to bite the little thing's head off. In the end, unfortunately, what we are left with is 88 mins. of 'Troma would have done it better.'

The B-Movie-Guy.


#Bmovieblog #Rocknrollfrankenstein

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Bucket List (25 B-Films to See Before You Die)

1. Faster, Pussy Cat! Kill! Kill! (1965)

2. Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

3. Dolemite (1975)

4. Spider Baby (1968)

5. Women's Camp 119 (1977)

Trailer Unavailable, but what did you expect from a film about women forced to have sex with dead bodies in an effort to bring them back to life? No, really. That's what the film is about.

6. The Toxic Avenger (1984)

7. Night of the Demons (1988)

8. Waxwork (1988)

9. Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988)

10. C.H.U.D. (1984)

11. Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

12. The Manster! (1959)

No trailer, but Sam Raimi fans should recognizes this scene.

Speaking of Sam...

13. The Evil Dead (1981)

14. The Dentist (1996)

15. Strike of the Tortured Angels (1982)

This is another one where I can't find a trailer, But the quick plot is three Chinese women (one not-so-cleverly disguised as a black woman) escape from prison and hilarity ensues.

16. The Astro-Zombies (1968)

17. Killer Condom (1996)

18. Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

19. Ricky-Oh: The Story of Rickey (1991)

20. Dead Alive (1992)

21. Terror Vision (1986)

22. Teenage Catgirls in Heat (1997)

23. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

24. The Wizard of Gore (1970)

25. Demons (1985)

So there you have it, 25 b-movies to see before you die. Academy be damned, these are the films that truly matter.

The B-Movie Guy.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (or quite possibly the worst film I've ever seen!)

Score: 0 Out Of 10

                I'm not even sure where to begin with this one, so I'll start with the stats. This film was written (if you can call that writing) and directed by Lucifer Valentine... no seriously, that's the guys name. This is probably the kind of guy who would give himself a nick name and think it's awesome while his friends call him a douche bag behind his back. This film stars Amera LaVey (I wonder where she came up with that name?), Pig Lizzy and Maja Lee.  It runs for about 70 something minutes (no joke, at the 36min. mark, I thought I had been watching for hours), and was released in 2006.
               So this film from start to finish looks like a collection of home video footage run through bad screen filters. The only audio is random noises and distorted voices. It starts out as a collection of sex scenes that are especially degrading, then turns super gory (gore that also looks super fake), then returns to more sex scenes. At one point, just to give you, dear reader, an example of how fake the gore looks, at one point a woman's face is cut off and I was left thinking, 'How do you cut off someones face but not there eyelids or lips?' Don't worry, as the title implies there is also a ton of puke in there.
                At one point a woman even vomits on her own disembodied eyeballs. Now, don't get me wrong, I am the kind of moviegoer who genuinely appreciates a lot of sex and violence in a film. I mean, it certainly doesn't hurt, but more importantly a film (whether it be an A or B film) still needs a good story to be enjoyable.

Did you watch the trailer? No? Go ahead. I'll wait.
              That, my friend, is about as much of a story as you will get from watching the entire film! No joke. So in conclusion. on a scale of 1 to 10, I give this one a 2. It wasn't worth the time and I feel as if I have brought shame on my family for having watched it.

The B-Movie Guy.

If you're still interested, this film is available on demand right now on It has a 1 and a half star rating.

#Bmovieblog #slaughteredvomitdolls