Monday, May 26, 2014

Bad Milo (Such a Piece Of Sh...)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          I feel like I have all ready made all the shit jokes I want to make right in the title of this blog, so from here on I am going to try not to make any more. I am not promising anything. "Bad Milo (2013) was directed by Jacob Vaughan and stars Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs and Patrick Warburton (Puddy from "Seinfeld"). The movie is about a man who has extremely painful bowel movements that are caused by stress. Then we learn that the pain is actually a demon that has been growing inside of him and after one particularly stressful day the demon actually makes it out of his ass hole and begins killing the people who cause the man stress. I cannot believe I actually just typed that shit out. And made a shit pun. God damn it. This movie is exactly what you expect it to be. Campy violence, lame puns and a handful of 'what the fuck' moments. What you probably would not expect is that this movie is surprisingly well acted and actually scores some pretty good laughs. The down side is that the story is kind of lame and the movie overall just feels kind of predictable.

         The essence of good horror (and comedy) is never knowing what to expect. If I can predict almost everything that happens right before it happens than it just lessons the blow. Instead of jumping, I am reaching for another handful of popcorn. Instead of laughing, I am just rolling my eyes. That is where this movie fails. It is not funny enough or scary enough for me to take it seriously one way or the other. It is like the movie is just stuck in 'shit limbo'. Gross...

   B-Movie Guy
Twitter: @BMovieguy  

Monday, May 5, 2014

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (Wrath in the form of Stupidity)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Have you ever been browsing a video on demand service (I would say browsing a video store, but honestly, who does that anymore) and saw a title that looked so stupid you felt you had to watch it just out of curiosity? That is exactly what happened to me. "Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan (2013)" was directed by Gary Jones and stars Joe Estevez (no, seriously), Dan Haggerty and Thomas Downey. The story is about some hunters who kill Bunyan's big blue ox causing him to go on a murderous rampage. That is pretty much it. What is wrong with this movie is exactly what is wrong with almost all movies directed by Gary Jones; The acting, writing, special effects and plot are complete garbage. I recommend you watch this movie with the mind set that it is a comedy because it completely fails as a horror movie. I started this blog with the intention of showing people that just because a film has a low budget and is poorly distributed does not mean it is a bad film. It is movie like this one, however, that undermine that point completely.

         What really bothered me about this movie is that they spent most of the film trying to convince the audience that Paul Bunyan is some unstoppable killing machine who will slaughter anyone who comes near him, then in the last ten minutes or so, go out of their way to make him look sympathetic. I understand that believable characters must have multiple layers to their personalities, but the film makers have taken a generic movie monster and turned him into a walking contradiction. Much worse is that they let him fall victim to so many horror movie monster cliches.  Sadly the only redeeming quality here is that the movie is only ninety minutes.

   The B-Movie guy
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