Little Witches (Softcore Horror)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

         In today's society, sex sells, and this movie is the exception that proves the rule. I have said time and time again that it does not matter how much sex and violence is in a movie, if the story is not there, then it is still garbage. "Little Witches (1996)" was directed by Jane Simpson and stars Mimi Rose (Who is credited as Mimi Reichmeister), Sheeri Rappaport and Jack Nance (the guy from Eraserhead... which was much better). The story is that a bunch of girls get rapped up in the occult and spooky things start happening. Yup. That's it. This film is an obvious attempt to cash in on the popularity of "The Craft," which was released the same year, but in my opinion, both films are pretty terrible (at least "Little Witches" is less offensive to people who practice alternative religions). The over all quality of the film is pretty bad. Some of the acting is there but most of it is pretty lame. Even the demon you see briefly at the end of the movie seemed like he was phoning it in. The dialogue kind of sucks and there is seemingly only one sensible person in the whole film. I know it is a B-movie, but is it to much to ask to get at least one character that kind of behaves like real a person?

        My main complaint about this film is the nudity. Normally I like nudity in movies, but honestly, it felt like it was just there to sell a movie that had no real substance. At least two nude scenes featured here had no context whatsoever. After each scene I just thought, "Why did they just show me that?" This is what happens when you rush to make a movie (it was shot in two weeks) simply to cash in on the popularity of another film. You just get garbage. I would rather see someone take that time and money and produce a film that tells a story the filmmaker feels really passionate about. Even if there was no nudity. Well... Maybe a little nudity... 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Moon Of The Wolf (Made for TV goodness)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

       I know what you're thinking. It is a made-for-TV-movie, there is no way this one could be any good. There is no real violence, no profanity and no nudity. What could possibly be good about it? What makes this movie shine is a cast that turns in some pretty solid performances (even if the dialogue isn't quite there) and a story that forty plus years later still manages to draw you in. "Moon of the Wolf (1972)" was directed by Daniel Petrie and stars David Janssen (the guy from "The Fugitive..." No, the TV show), Barbara Rush and Bradford Dillman. I am a pretty big fan of werewolf movies and honestly finding good werewolf movies is kind of a challenge. Thankfully this movie did not let me down. What makes this movie good is actually what made horror movies from the nineteen thirties, forties and fifties good and that is above average acting, story and editing (although if you watch it on Netflix you'll see on screen cues that say "Place commercials  here").

There is one technique used in this film, however, that I both loved and hated. You do not see the actual werewolf until the last thirty minutes or so. The whole movie you are left anticipating the unveiling of the monster and in a way it really adds to the suspense of the film. The problem is that when you see the monster it is a let down. I get that it is a TV movie, but could they not get a little more budget to at least make the monster believable? This just looks like a hairy guy with long nails and a black smudge on his nose. If you are willing  to ignore a cheesy monster and some noticeable errors then this movie really is not that bad. I have seen some really terrible TV movies in my time and this one is actually pretty good by comparison. 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Lady Frankenstein (La Figlia Di Frankenstein)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

          I am a huge fan of "Frankenstein (1931)," and because I love that movie so much I have found myself, over the years, drawn to movies with "Frankenstein" in the title. These movies are pretty much hit or miss. "Frankenstein Vs. The Space Monster (1965)" was a miss. Fortunately, "Lady Frankenstein (1971)" is much more of a hit. The film was directed by Mel Welles and Aureliano Luppi and it stars Joseph Cotten, Rosalba Neri and Paul Muller. The film tells the story of Doctor Frankenstein building and then being murdered by the creature. His daughter then decides to continue on with his work but her motives are much more dark (and sexy in a weird kind of way) than her father's were. The immediate turn off here for most viewers I think will be the over all quality of the film. Even when converted to high definition the picture is still pretty grainy and has plenty of imperfections (although there are quite a few people who dig that kind of look in a film) and even for it's time the film had a pretty low budget. The budgetary constraints show mostly in the special effects the department (the creature looks a little too much like the Toxic Avenger).

       What this film does have going for it, however, is the acting and writing. Granted it is not academy award winning and there are a couple of scenes that are almost laughable, but for the most part you get solid dialogue and some pretty good performances. Another thing I would like to touch on is that this film has been used as an example of pro-feminism with in the horror and science fiction genres quite a bit over the years. The film features a very strong and very intelligent (she is a surgeon after all) female main character who manipulates the male characters in the film to achieve her goals. This actually makes for a pretty interesting take on the Frankenstein mythology. Most of the other women in these films are hysterical and just down right dumb. If nothing else, this film will serve as a breathe of fresh air for Frankenstein fans.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Night Of The Living Dead (45 Years Later...)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

           There is not a lot to be said about this film that has not already been said. I could ramble on all day about shoestring budgets, social commentary, nudity showing up in a film from the 60's and all the other talking points behind this movie. But in the forty five years since it's release, we have talked all those points to death (pun). Instead I am going to do what so many books, magazines, podcasts, blogs and documentaries fail to do when discussing this film; I am going to write an honest review. "Night Of The Living Dead (1968)" was directed by George A. Romero and it stars Duane Jones, Judith O'Dea and Karl Hardman. The plot revolves around a group of people who board themselves up in an old farm house in attempt to escape the living dead, but turmoil with in the group soon threatens their survival. I will begin by saying that this is a very good film. It is dark, it is atmospheric and at times it is very psychological. The cast and crew make very good use of the limited special effects and director, George A. Romero, really made good use of people from around the town he was filming in to play zombies rather than employing additional actors.

         Most people while watching a horror film at one point or another imagine themselves in the same position as the protagonists. While watching this  film, it is almost impossible to not think about what you would do if you were trapped in that farmhouse. That is the strong point of this film. All of the characters act just as you would expect people to act in real life. One character is strong and resourceful, one character is completely traumatized and another is too headstrong for his own good. The actors and actresses in this film do an incredible job of making the characters seem real. The film does have it's faults, though. The pacing could be better. There are a couple of moments where everything just seems to drag and there are a couple of scenes that really left me rolling my eyes when I first saw this movie. Despite the negative points, this seminal zombie flick really does deliver and I must admit, every time it is on, I have to stop and watch it (I also have three different DVD copies in my collection).

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Amazons And Gladiators (100% Crap-Fest)

Score: 2 Out Of 10.

 

          Let me begin by stating that I am very impressed that the ancient Romans were able to invent (and apparently perfect) breast augmentation surgery. That the statement should let you know just how historically accurate this movie was (in case you're still wondering, it wasn't). "Amazons and Gladiators (2001)" was directed by Zachary Weintraub (the genius who also brought us "Diva Detectives (2003)") and stars Patrick Bergin, Jennifer Rubin and Richard Norton. The plot follows the plight of a dancing slave girls who, with a little help, escapes her captors, becomes an amazon and returns to fight her former captors in arena style combat. The arena style combat, by the way, takes place in the Roman Colosseum (Amphitheatrum Flavium)... about fifty years or so before it was actually constructed. It also manages to depict the death of Crassius, who in reality was named Crassus and was actually killed by the Parthians, not amazons. But historical inaccuracies should not stand in the way of a good movie, right? Well that would be the case if this was a good movie.

 

 

       Unfortunately this movie fails on almost every single level. The acting is just straight up terrible and the fight seems only make the poor acting even more noticeable. The dialogue is just atrocious. People just do not talk like that, not in ancient Rome and certainly not now. It is almost enough to make me believe that the writer of this film (who was also the director) has never actually interacted with another human being and therefore has no idea how people talk to each other. Another complaint I have is the wardrobes. I feel like I could have come up with the same costumes just by spending about a hundred dollars at the nearest costume store. I have given decent scores to other films that had just as many problems because the people who mad those films appeared to really be trying to make a good movie and that is what bothers me most about this movies. It really seems as if the people involved in making it were not even trying and that is really what hurts the most.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.
 

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Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers (Older Than Old School)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

         It is no secret that "Flash Gordon (1980)" is one of my favorite movies (I even have Queen's "Battle Theme" as my ring tone) so when I got a chance to sit down and watch the 1936 "Space Soldiers" serial I was pretty excited. "Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers" was directed by Fredrick Stephani and Ray Taylor. It stars Buster Crabbe, Jean Rogers and Charles Middleton. The plot plays out over thirteen episodes and the gist of it is that a planet is about to crash into the Earth and our hero (Flash, as if I should have to tell you) is shot off into space with Dr. Zarkoff and his lady friend to save us all from impending doom (That really is the simplest explanation I can give). Right off the bat the audience is treated to action (and stock footage) that runs nonstop through out the entire thirteen episodes. Literally until the last few minutes of the final episode. Watching them, I honestly felt as if I was six years old again watching old science fiction shows on a Sunday morning (if only there was a Super Nintendo to turn on after I was finished watching).

        The problem with content like this is that it is very difficult to review. I (like many other fans) feel very nostalgic over things like this, so you have to take my "7 Out Of 10" score with a grain of salt. There is a lot to dislike here for most of the younger science fiction fans. The special effects are terrible (even for their time), the acting is hit or miss, the dialogue and writing are often laughable and the whole thing as a whole seems very silly. On the other hand, It is just so damn cool! I mean, all of it! There is rocket ships shooting at each other and Flash gets into fist fights with men, monsters and mutants alike at an almost constant pace. To add to the mix there is also giant monsters, cool costumes and all kinds of outrageous (and fun) characters. To sum it up, a lot of these old movie serials are lost on audiences today. They are held in the same regard, if not a lower regard, than "Sy Fy Channel Originals." But I promise, If you just throw on a couple of episodes and pop some popcorn and really let yourself get lost in Flash's world, than there really is a strong chance that you too will find a lot to love about these old science fiction movie serials.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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P.S.
To prove my point, instead of a trailer, I'm giving you the first two episodes in their entirety. Why? Because I love you.

Dinosaur Island (A New Low... Even For Me)

Score: 1 Out Of  10

       Well, I have finally found something worse than all those god awful Sy-Fy Channel originals. This movie is so bad I considered not even blogging about it because I did not want to admit to people that I actually watched it. "Dinosaur Island (1994) was directed by Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski (Really? Two directors and it was still this bad?!). It stars Ross Hagen, Richard Gabai and Antonia Dorian. The film tells the story of five commandos who wash up on an uncharted island and are forced to deal with busty tribal women, busty cave women and not so busty dinosaurs. There is absolutely nothing to like about this movie. Every aspect of this movie is just down right bad. The overall film leaves me wondering if maybe one director wanted to make an action film about dinosaurs and the other wanted to make a late night cable porn movie. In fairness, late night cable porn movies are more enjoyable than this stinker. I only thing I actually enjoy about this movie is the Frank Frazetta style art work that graces the DVDs cover (seriously, that is a really cool painting).

     What annoyed me the most about this movie is the main character. He spends the majority of the movie making one liners that are no where near funny and they come at a constant pace. It feels like this guy was making me role my eyes every thirty seconds or so. Also, it really bothers me that all these women who are completely isolated from society can speak perfect English, are reading a porn mag (because why would an uncharted island full of dinosaurs not have porn?), yet they do not know what a kiss is. But honestly, when it comes to stupidity, in this movie, that is just the tip of the iceberg. The only enjoyment any one is going to get out of this movie is teen aged boys fast forwarding to the nude scenes.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Hellgate (A Little Too Familiar)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

   Remember that old ghost story about the guy driving by the grave yard and he picks up a strange girl who does not say much and he drives her home only to return the next day looking for her and an old woman tells him that was her daughter and she died years ago (I think I remember seing an epsiode of "Unsolved Mysteries" that did a segment about it)? Now imagine if someone decided to give that story a ninety minute backstory. "Hellgate (1990)" was directed by William A. Levey. It stars Ron Palillo (from "Welcome Back, Kotter," ask your parents), Abigail Wolcott and Carol Trichardt. The film tells the story of a girl killed by a motorcycle gang and her father who finds this crystal that bring things back from the dead. He (obviously) uses the crystal to bring the girl back to life and she, in turn,seduces travelers and brings them to their small town so her father can murder them. To be perfectly honest this film does have its high points. The overall look is really cool and for the vast majority of the movie it is genuinely creepy.

   Unfortunately, every other aspect of this movie is garbage. The actors and actresses are just just terrible and the dialogue is unbelievably bad (seriously, who talks like that?). The movie was shot in 1989 but the special effects are straight out of the 1970's. The scenes that are supposed to take place in 1955 (most of the film is set in its current time) do not look like the 1950's at all. The only indication I got that it was the 50's was the soundtrack changed. Overall this was just a boring and forgettable movie. I almost completely lost interest half way through. In retrospect, I should have just watched "Unsolved Mysteries."

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Deathstalker (Another goodie)

Score: 7 Out of 10

   This is now the second film I've seen in this genre (low budget sword and sorcery) and I have to say that I am really enjoying these movies. "Deathstalker (1983)" was directed by James Sbardellati. It stars Rick Hill, Barbi Benton and Lana Clarkson (who also played the lead in "Barbarian Queen (1985)). The film tells the story of an adventurer who enters into a fighting tournament in order to rescue a princess. This is another film just like "Barbarian Queen." It has plenty of action and nudity and the pacing is really good. Unfortunately the film is marred by bad acting, bad dialogue and bad writing. In addition, the first half of the movie does not seem to make a lot of sense. Most of the scenes leading up to the fighting tournament do not seem to serve a purpose. They do little in the way of character development and with the exception of a few lines of dialogue here or there, the film as a whole does almost nothing to build a back story for any of the characters. The end result is a cast of characters who feel very one dimensional. When a couple of the main characters die, I felt almost nothing for them.

    Humor, however, is this films strong point. The movie from start to finish does not take itself seriously at all. It almost feels as if the director knew he did not have a chance at making a really good movie so he just had fun with it. The violence in the movie is also presented from a humorous stand point. There is quite a bit of gore in this movie (an amount that almost makes it more like a horror film than an action film) but even when a character was being pulled apart by horses it managed to get a chuckle out of me. Overall this is a pretty fun movie. It is also the first of a four part series so I look forward to watching the sequels.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Barbarian Queen (Not as stupid as it... Never mind)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

     This movie was a real surprise for me. I will start by saying that I am a big fan of films like "Conan The Barbarian (1982)" and "Red Sonya (1985)" as well as the "Heavy Metal" comic series (1977-Present), so in hindsight, I should not be surprised with myself for liking this movie. "Barbarian Queen (1985)" was directed by Hector Olivera. It stars Lana Clarkson, Katt Shea (who went on to direct "The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)") and Frank Zagarino. The plot follows the story of a tribal queen who's village comes under attack by Romans on her wedding day. After the attack she rounds up some other female warriors and sets off on a quest to rescue her kidnapped fiance and the other villagers. The plot really does not get any more in depth than that, but I am betting if you are reading this than you are not looking for a deeply intellectual experience anyway. There is, however, a lot to like about this film.

    The film is very well paced and is full of fun (and sometimes funny) action. It really had me entertained during an especially creative (and silly) torture scene. This film does have it's problems, though. The acting, more often is than not, is downright terrible and the dialogue is just laughable. Some of the actors were not speaking English while shooting and there is a pretty bad dub job to replace the original audio (think 1970's kung fu movies bad). This is no academy award nominee, folks. It is low budget, schlocky, campy and barely clothed fun. Pop some popcorn and invite your friends over and just enjoy it for what it is.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Hallowen Night (What Did I Just See?)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

       Do not be fooled by the first fifteen minutes of this film. It is not a rip-off of Rob Zombies remake of "Halloween." It was actually released about a year before. In fact it makes me some what suspicious of Mr. Zombies film. "Halloween Night" was directed by Mark Atkins and stars Derek Osedach, Rebekah Kochan and Scot Nery. The plot is about a killer who escapes from a psych ward and returns to his childhood home to wreak havoc on not-so-innocent party goers (that first part should sound familiar). No joke, the acting is bad, the dialogue is bad, the direction is bad, the special effects are bad and the writing is bad. There are a few good ideas in play here, but the film is so bad over all that it does not even seem worth it to acknowledge said good ideas... so I won't. One of the things that bothers me the most about this film is that if it was not for the horror elements, the film would have served as an at least half way decent drama (as a drama I would have given it at least a five out of ten).

      Unfortunately what we have here is a mess. The characters feel paper thin and relatively uninteresting and the villain himself is just all over the place. At one point he is beating people to death, then a few scenes later someone puts him in a headlock and he just completely takes it. The film makers try to make him in a couple of scenes seem sympathetic but even that completely fails. All of this leads up to a "twist ending" that just winds up being predictable and forgettable. An almost total waste of time.

   Love,

The B-Movie Guy

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Starcrash (It's Time To Hassle The Hoff)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

        How could a movie with box art this cool be so unbelievably boring?! "Starcrash" was written and directed by Luigi Cozzi (Who was also one of the directors responsible for "Godzilla") and stars Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro and Christopher Plummer. The plot is about a scantly clad intergalactic smuggler and her alien best friend who are tasked with rescuing an emperors son and destroying a super weapon. Also I should mention that the imperial son in question is none other than David Hasselhoff (If I can be honest, his performance here is nowhere near as good as that movie I saw where he laid on the ground and drunkenly ate a cheeseburger). In my time I have seen plenty of movies with the name Roger Corman stamped on them and for better or worse they were at the very least interesting (this is the man responsible for "Little Shop Of Horrors" (1960), after all). This film, unfortunately, is the exception that proves the rule. The movie was so boring I spent the entirety of the film thinking of all the things I could be watching that would be more interesting.

   The following is my list of programming that would have been more interesting:

1) Pro Golf
2)C-SPAN
3)The Joy Of Painting
4)Antiques Road Show
5)French Art Films

   I guess the real stinger here is that in addition to being a dull film it is also little more than a blatant "Star Wars" rip-off. Let this be a lesson to you, taking a good film and replacing a large part of the cast with hot girls in bikinis while shooting with a fraction of the budget is never a good idea.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

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P.s.
   I made mention of this film ripping off "Star Wars," but wasn't "Star Wars" just ripping off "The Hidden Fortress (1958)?" Just saying.

Spiders 3D (Computer Generated Creepiness)

    Score: 2 Out Of 10.

              Normally, I am all over giant bug movies. I once sat in a theater and watched "Eight Legged Freaks (2002)" on a date and the girl I was with got so freaked out by the movie and apparently how amused by it I was that we never had a second date. But even that kinda-amusing-but-still-sucked movie was better than "Spiders 3D." "Spiders" was directed by Tibor Takacs (I still can't figure out how to use accents on Blogger). It stars William Hope, Shelly Varod and Jesse Steel.  The film is about a Russian space station inhabited by mutant spiders. A piece of the station breaks off after being hit by a comet and crashes into a New York city subway station where they begin to grow to monstrous size and run amok over the city. This movie, and I am in no way exaggerating, is the most boring movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

        No joke, this movie was so boring I actually started to dose off a little bit while writing the first paragraph. What is distressing about this is that movie is actually pretty well paced. I mean, there is well placed action through out but the problem is that even the action is just kind of boring. To add to the problem, both the characters and the plot are one hundred percent non-nonsensical. One character dies and the man who is supposed to be a close friend does not seem grief stricken at all. He just goes on doing his job. Also, all of the spiders in the film are computer generated. would it have killed them to make spider puppets and maybe some real spiders for the scenes before they start growing and use the CGI a bit more sparingly. You know, just to make things seem a little more real?

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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The ABC's Of Death (R Is For Repugnant)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

          A lot of people have been asking me about this film lately, and I have to admit, after I saw the trailer I was pretty excited to see it. If you are not familiar, the premise of the film is that twenty six directors were all assigned a letter of the alphabet then picked a word that begins with that letter and shot a death scene associated with that word. Example: "F" is for fart, so director, Noboru Iguchi, shot a scene where to girls fart each other to death. No, seriously. The directors themselves are from all over the world and the film  is in quite a few different languages, so most of the film is subtitled (apologies to those of you who hate reading). The shorts themselves range from "pretty good" to "What did I just see?" Therein lies the problem. Only a handful of the scenes fall into the "pretty good" column, a couple fall into the "what did I just see?" column, but most fall into the "boring" or "been done before" column. A couple of times I had to fight the urge to fast forward to the next letter in the film. There was one scene that actually disgusted me (and it takes a lot to disgust me), but I will not call this a good thing because that scene in particular involved pedophilia. 

          Normally, I like a good anthology film (as stated in my previous post), but this one was not good. The main problem is that twenty six death scenes all with there own separate little plots is just too much. If you just want to show us twenty six death scenes with no real back story, that is fine, but if you're trying to build a story with every scene then I need more time to learn about what is going on. Many of these shorts seemed like they would have been much better if they were just there own full length film. On the other hand (because each scene ends with a letter and a word) I did have fun trying to guess what word they were each shooting for.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy

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Scary Or Die (Kinda Creepy Or Die)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

          I am a pretty big fan of the anthology horror films that came out during the 1960's and 70's (ex: "Tales From the Crypt (1972), Twice Told Tales (1963) and Black Sabbath (1963)), so I was presently surprised to see a horror anthology film from 2012. Here is the kicker... IT DOESN'T SUCK! "Scary or Die" was directed by Bob Badway, Michael Emanuel and Igor Meglic. It stars Domiziano Arcangeli, Corbin Bleu and Shannon Bobo. Also keep a look out for Bill Oberst Jr., his appearance in this movie is much better than "Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies. Shorter, but Better. The film has five segments and all of them are pretty good. The first is a zombie tale that takes place on the Mexican/American border, the second is about a widow attempting to rescue a woman, third is the story about a murderer who is losing his mind after dismembering a corpse, fourth is the half creepy half silly story of a were-clown and finally the story of woman who returns from the grave to seek vengeance on her husband.

     So the nice thing about this style of film making is the pacing is always good. You do not really have time to get bored with it because the stories do not go on long enough to require any kind of filler. Another thing that struck me about this movie is most of the actors played their roles very well. There was not one performance that left me rolling my eyes. The stories themselves were also pretty strong and most of the movie was genuinely creepy, except the clown story. That was more silly than it was creepy. How it made it to be featured in the films advertising is beyond me. I mean, seriously, a were-clown? 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Pinocchio's Revenge (Not As Stupid As It Sounds)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

         It would be very easy to compare this film to other evil toy movies like "Puppet Master(1989)" or "Child's Play(1988),"  but to be honest, once I started watching the movie those other flicks did not cross my mind. Here is another shocker, this film is actually better than those movies. "Pinocchio's Revenge" was directed by Kevin Tenney (who also directed "Night of the Demons(1988)"). It stars Candice McKenzie, Rosalind Allen and Brittany Alyse Smith. Also, and I do not know why I am so amused by this, but, Vern Troyer as Pinocchio. The movie is about a defense attorney who brings home a piece of evidence (the puppet). Later her boyfriend mistakenly gives it to her daughter as a birthday present and it is not long before creepy things start happening. I know the plot sounds weak, but that is all I can really tell you with out giving away spoilers.

       So the movie has some pretty fun scenes, most of the death scenes are pretty good and there is a really good twist at the end of the movie. The surprising part is that this is actually a psychological thriller. It was not the silly campy horror film I expected and the ending did leave me thinking. Couple that with some pretty good performances, good directing and a solid script and the movie is a nice little surprise. The only thing that hurts this movie is the pacing. I spent too much time early on in the film wondering where it was going, but over all, I still enjoyed it. No, Really.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Devil Seed (Like Everything You've Ever Seen Before)

Score: 6 out of 10

         I was pleasantly surprised by this film only because it was nowhere near as terrible as I thought it would be. "Devil Seed (A.K.A. "The Devil in Me")" was directed by Greg A. Sager and stars Michelle Argyris, Shantelle Canzanese and Vanessa Broze. The film is about a girl who goes to get her fortune told and is unfortunately possessed by a demon. So what this film has going for it is a good cast turning in solid performances, pretty good pacing and decent writing. If you are a new comer to the horror genre you might even get a good couple of scares out of it. I also have give credit to the director for not throwing in too many cheap jump-out-scares. In addition there are some pretty good looking special effects and a good couple of nude scenes thrown in  there as well.

        Unfortunately, for as decent as this film is, it does fall victim to every last cliche in the book for demonic/satanic possession films.  If you have already watched films like "The Exorcist(1973)," "Rosemary's Baby(1968)" or "The Amityville Horror(1979)" then you can just go ahead and skip this film because you have probably already seen everything it has to offer. In closing, the movie is only decent and not bad for a date or a just a quiet evening at home, but for a true horror fan, you will most likely want to just pass this one by.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.
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The Slaughterhouse Massacre (Blech...)

Score: 3 out of 10

      Have you ever sat down to watch a movie and just knew that there was no possible way that what you were about to see would be any good? That is exactly how I felt going in to this movie. "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" was directed by Paul Gagne (whom also plays the films villain) and stars Stephani Wells, Cory Nelson and Shaila Vaidya. The plot follows four college students exploring a slaughterhouse that was abandoned after a murder and (spoiler) then get slaughtered themselves (as if you did not see that one coming). Right from the very beginning the problems start popping up. The film and audio quality is absolute shit and the movie as a whole feels as if it were written by a thirteen year old boy. To make matters worse the film is overall just boring and predictable and the acting was so bad it made me even more anxious to see the characters get murdered. Which brings me to the death scenes. They were so horrible looking that I was actually cringing.

        Mind you, I wasn't cringing because they were to gory. Two of them were shot with CGI so bad the SyFy channel would have been embarrassed. The lesson here is that if you do not have the budget for a believable death scene, then just do not show it. Let your audiences imagination do the dirty work. Just to give you an example of how bad this movie sucked, the still to the left was as interesting as it ever got and even that scene was pretty boring. There are some failed attempts at humor and one other sex scene, but overall I actually feel like my IQ dropped a bit while watching this stinker of a movie. Blech...

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Facebook: B-Movie Guy   Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog   #theslaughterhousemassacre

Beast Beneath (How Not To Make A Monster Movie)

Score: 2 out of 10

             Well, it's Monday and I'm looking around for a movie to watch when this little gem catches my eye. The cover looks pretty good and I do love a good monster movie. On top of that, "Based on a terrifying true tale." Where could I go wrong...? Everywhere. "Beast Beneath" was released in 2011 and was directed by Julian Higgins (who directed a bunch of other shit I've never heard of) and stars Bertie Higgins (I'd check to see if he is related to the director, but I just don't care), Mike Agresta and Phillip Agresta (once again, I just don't care). This movie is so bad it is a crime. How bad? I almost turned it off after realizing i had been watching for forty seven minutes and absolutely nothing had happened. To make things worse the acting sucked, the dialogue was terrible and the movie as a whole was just so unbelievably boring that for a moment I actually contemplated suicide!

            If there is any redeeming quality here it is that the creature effect was actually pretty good. When you finally see the creature it is actually pretty impressive. unfortunately the film builds no suspense at all, so as cool as the monster is, by the time you see it you probably won't even care. In closing, I have to say that this was a pretty lame movie and should probably be avoided. Normally I like to give credit to filmmakers for at least trying, but I do not feel like they were trying. Lesson to all filmmakers: If you base your film on a true story, please make sure it is an interesting one.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Breeders (Needs More Breeding)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

 

           So I'm browsing through Netflix to try and find a movie to watch, and a Film called "Breeders" catches my eye. Apparently a movie about a meteor that crashes on a college campus and the hideous monster inside that insists on breeding (obviously) with the female students. I should point out that I initially was a bit confused because of the 1986 film of the same title, but that is a different film entirely (maybe even another blog post). This film was released in 1997 and was directed by Paul Mathews and stars Todd Jensen, Samantha Womack and Oliver Tobias. Granted, I have never heard of anybody in this film or even knew it existed, but the mid to late nineties were a pretty good time for cheesy horror/sci-fi flicks ("The Dentist (96)", "Bleeders (97)" and "A Wicked Ghost(99)"). So, feeling fairly confident, I popped my popcorn, loaded up the movie and settled in for what I was sure was going to be a pretty good time.

 

         I was so wrong. By an hour into the film I was fighting sleep. In fact I actually went to bed and watched the last ten minutes in the morning when I awoke. Even with a plot this cool the movie overall felt boring. To make matters worse, I am not even sure why the movie was boring. The pacing was good, the creature affects were pretty cool and the dialogue and acting were passable (I mean not great but certainly not bad). Yet, overall, it was just plain boring. In closing, I have to say I am very disappointed. I guess just expect more from a movie about an alien beast "mating" with human women.

 

       Love,

           The B-Movie Guy

Facebook: B-Movie Guy   Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Breeders   #BMovieblog

 

 

Birdemic: Shock And Terror (Total Garbage)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

 

           Every so often, I come across a film so bad, I'm not even sure how to tell you how bad it is. Seriously. This film is so awful, I actually feel like the creators some how cheated me. When it ended I just felt angry. The kind of angry that if the director was sitting next to me, I might have punched him. "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" was written and directed by James Nguyen. It stars Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore and Janae Caster. The plot is a straight up rip off of the birds. A man meets a girl. They fall in love, and then they get attacked by horrible CGI birds. In fact the CGI in this film is so bad that the birds more resemble characters from a Super Nintendo game than actual birds. In addition, the CGI is so over used that even when the couple stumbles upon a dead bird, it to is completely computer generated. To make things even worse (yeah, it actually gets worse) when ever there is dialogue taking place out doors there is so much ambient noise you can not make out what people are saying. Why not just dub the voices in post?!

 

         That brings me to my next point. The acting is so bad it is almost criminal. Instead of anti-piracy laws, we should pass a law against acting this poorly in a film. Although the blame should not go to just the actors, the dialogue was so bad I found myself getting a headache. In one scene a man remarks about them suffering a heat wave in the middle  winter. A few scenes later there is a "Pumpkin Festival" where a banner clearly points out that it is late October. I can not in good faith recommend anybody watch this horrible abomination of film making. I myself just feel like I lost an hour and a half that I will never get back.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

 

 

Twitter: @Bmovieguy   #Birdemic   #BMovieblog   Facebook: The B-Movie Guy

Stingray Sam (Sci-Fi, Western, Comedy, Musical... Again.)

Score: 7 Out Of 10.

 

           So, not long after watching "The American Astronaut," it was brought to my attention that writer/director, Cory McAbee, made another film that takes place within the same universe, but is not a direct sequel. That is actually nice because I do not typically enjoy sequels. "Stingray Sam" stars Cory McAbee (yup... wrote, directed and stared in... again), Crugie, and Joshua Taylor. Also, the film is narrated by David Hyde Pierce and all the music is written and performed by The Billy Nayer Show... again (the soundtrack was pretty good this time as well and is also available on iTunes). All in all, this was a pretty fun movie and from what I understand was shot in a way that would make it enjoyable on any device (honestly, I watched it on a 40 in. HDTV, so I can't really speak for how true that statement is). The jokes all work, the soundtrack is pretty awesome and they even manage to sneak in a little bit of social commentary.

 

   The problem with "The American Astronaut" I felt was the pacing. Fortunately this film does not suffer from the same problem. This film moves along a lot quicker. There seems to be two reasons why. 1)The film is broken up into six episodes, each with an intro and it's own set of credits and 2)as a whole, the film is about a half hour shorter.  Unfortunately this seems to lack some of the charm from it's predecessor. The first film just seemed to have more of an edge to it where this film almost seems like an excuse to work out all the ideas that Mr. McAbee could not fit into the first film. Still very enjoyable, though.

 

   Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

   Twitter: @Bmovieguy   #Bmovieblog   #Stingraysam    Facebook: B-Movie Guy.



 

The American Astronaut (Sci-Fi, Western, Comedy, Musical... yup.)

Score: 8 Out Of 10.

 

          No, you did not read the sub-title incorrectly. This film was in fact a science fiction, a western, a comedy, and a musical, and I promise that all these elements fit together almost perfectly. "The American Astronaut" was released in 2001 and Stars Cory McAbee (who also wrote and directed), Rocco Sisto and Gregory Russell Cook. The plot is that a man named Samuel is an interplanetary trader (a frame of reference for a time period is never specified) who is on a mission deliver a cat, a case containing a real live girl, a boy (who actually saw a women's breast), and some remains while being pursued by an old foe. This is really an understatement for the plot but I am really afraid if I say any more I might spoil the film. There was quite a bit to love about this movie. It was very well written and the dialogue was very witty, the jokes really do make you laugh AND think. All of the actors and actresses turn in performances that really draw you in (I particularly enjoyed the dance scenes) and the music was very well written and performed (the entire soundtrack was performed by The Billy Nayer Show, you can find it on iTunes).

 

        The only negative thing I can say about this film is that it suffered from poor pacing. A lot of times the pacing of a film can really make or brake it but luckily it did not break this film. Although there were times when I felt the movie kinda dragged, they were few and far between. Another thing I should point out is that I do not feel this film is for everyone. I ca not help but feel that a lot of people will watch it and not understand it and give it negative reviews. I promise if you just take the time to sit and think about it, you will not have this problem. The best thing I can say about "The American Astronaut" is that as soon as it ended, I wanted to watch it again.

 

    Love,

    The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @Bmovieguy   #BMovieblog   #TheAmericanAstronaut   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

 

 

Sand Sharks (Like Jaws... But terrible.)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

            Do not let the picture to the left fool you, this movie is pretty bad. In fact, the shark you see here does not match any of the sharks shown in the movie at all. The sharks that are shown in the movie are these giant purple and blue monsters who look some what prehistoric, or at least that is what I think they were going for.  "Sand Sharks" was directed by Mark Atkins. It stars Corin Nemec, Brooke Hogan (yes, THAT Brooke Hogan) and Venessa Lee Evigan. The plot is as simple as it gets. A concert promoter and all around douche bag comes to a small California town (where his creepy dad is also the mayor and played by Edgar Allan Poe IV, who is a distant relative of the famed poet) to put on a concert to capitalize on spring break, but all the happenings are soon ruined by sharks who swim through and attack people via sand (and in one or two scenes water as well). There are some sub plots here but none of them are even worth mentioning.

            The problems with this film become apparent almost immediately. The acting is bad, the writing is just bl eh and there is so much CGI (Computer Generated Imagery) that at times I thought some of the party goers in the films climax were computer generated. I understand that for a film like this CGI just make sense, but it just looked so bad. It was almost like watching someone play a video game. Unfortunately the real loser in all this (besides the audience) is Brooke Hogan. After a less than successful music career this film is a big hint that acting might not work out as well. I get that her dad was a famous wrestler (if not the most famous wrestler) but maybe she should find a job outside of the entertainment industry


Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

 

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #BMovieblog   #SandSharks

 

Bigfoot's Wild Weekend (If You Watch Only One Bigfoot Movie This Year...)

Score: 5 Out of 10

 

           If you have ever wished that beef jerky commercials had more nudity in them then I have the movie for you. It is that special kind of movie where my wife came in about thirty minutes in, said "This looks really stupid," and then left the room five minutes later. Bigfoot's Wild Weekend was directed by Jeff Murray who also co wrote the film with Dearborn Murray and Ryan Ramos (why did it take three people to write this film?). The plot is as good as you can expect from a film with this title. Bigfoot is on the loose (and apparently horny... and a little drunk) and is soon spotted by campers and a fisherman who report the "half man/half ape" to a tabloid paper who spends little time sending a less-than-confident reporter to cover the action. Soon after the local news and some redneck hunters are also chasing down are hairy protagonist. For the record, because I know why most of you read this blog, yes there is a fair amount of nudity throughout the first hour or so.

 

    So I'm not gonna try and bullshit you here, this movie was not really that good. It got a good couple of laughs out of me throughout, and it did hold my attention pretty well. On the other hand, there were more than a couple times when I caught actors or actresses looking at the camera (not counting a scene where one character breaks the fourth wall) and the sound quality changes quite a bit, sometimes once or twice in the same scene. But for a low budget comedy about a drunk and horny Bigfoot and some campers who seem a little too eager to take their clothes off, it could have been a lot worse. On a related note the director mentioned to me that he is working on another film this year and I will say that I am willing to watch another film Mr. Murray. I guess for five dollars, I got what I paid for.

 

Love,

    The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog   #Bigfootswildweekend