Monster Brawl (It's Exactly What It Sounds Like)

Score: 7 out of 10

 

           I grew up with prowrestling. As a child I was a hulkamaniac, in my teens I was a Triple H fan (this is when he was the "blu blood" and we called him Hunter Hearst Hemsley) and now I find my self typically rooting for C. M. Punk. That being said, I also grew up completely in love with Universal monsters. Frankenstien (to date I have watched about twenty two Frankenstien films, one of which on 8mm reel to reel), The Wolfman, Dracula, The Creature From The Black Lagoon and even The Mummy. I absolutely loved all of them. So imagine how happy I was to see that two of my great loves have been brought together in one movie... and it doesn't suck! "Monster Brawl" was written and directed by Jesse T. Cook. It stars Dave Foley, Art Hindle and Robert Maillet (bonus points if you remember what his name was while with WWF).  Also, expect some pretty cool appearances from Kevin Nash, Jimmy Hart and Herb Dean (he is just as bad a referee in this film as he is in real life... just sayin').

 

       Well I have to start by saying that this is a fun movie. It is pretty fast paced, it does a good job of introducing and building up the characters and does a good job of using devices used by actual wrestlers to sell a match, including having the monsters trash talk each other before the matches. In fact, most of the movie plays out much like a wrestling pay-per-view. The film does not skimp on the gore, either. Mr. cook does a pretty good job of making this feel both like a wrestling show and a horror movie. On the downside, the matches are a little short and sometimes the whole thing can just feel a little too cheesey. Honestly though, this is just a fun movie you can turn on when your friends are over, have some popcorn and get some good shits and giggles going. Don't build it up to be anything more and I promise it will not dissapoint you.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

 

P.S.

   Thanks to my friend Natalia for bringing this film to my attention.

 

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The Witchouse Trilogy (Part 3 of 3)

Score: 3 out of 10

 

          Well, I'll just go ahead and say it: This was a total waste of ten dollars. The whole trilogy just plain sucks and I even feel bad just for having watched these stupid, stupid movies. "Witchouse 3: Blood Coven" was directed and written by J.R. Bookwalter (who also directed the second film) and stars Debbie Rochon, Tanya Dempsey and Tina Krause. The plot of the film is three girls filming a documentary about Wicca (I actually know people who are Wiccan and would probably be offended by this movie) and in the process conjure up a long deceased witch named Lilith. Lilith, by the way, is one of the biggest problems with this film. She is played by a diferent woman than the woman who played her in the first two films. On top of that, Brink Stevens (Witchouse 3) looks nothing at all like Ariuana Albright (The Lilith of Witchouse 1 and 2). Just to add insult to injury, Stevens portrays the character in a completely different manner. She shares none of the manerisms or speach patterns that Albright exhibited.

 

     In addition, Lilith's mentallity has changed as well. Instead of attacking her victims in a straight forward manner, she now plays mind games with them for a while first. This one character completely ruins the continuity from the second film to the third. On top of that, the acting is bad, the quality of film has dropped off dramitcally from the previous entries and the plot sometimes just seems nonsensical. Do yourself a favor. Avoid all three of these movies. The only fear they have installed in me is that I'll never be able to get rid of them.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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The Witchouse Trilogy (Part 2 of 3)

Score : 4 out of 10

 

        At the very least, so far these movies are not getting any worse. In fact, dare I say, this one was almost enjoyable. The reason for this one being better than the last, I'm guessing, is replacing both the writer and director. "Witchouse II: Blood Coven" was directed by J.R. Bookwalter (some of you might remember his slightly more popular film "The Dead Next Door") and stars Ariauna Albright (returning as the evil witch "Lilith"), Elizabeth Hobgood and Nicholas Lanier. It also features a pretty forgettable performance from Andrew Prine. Sitcom fans might remember Mr. Prine for his portrayal of "Psycho Dad" on the show "Married... With Children." The plot follows a small team of researchers who are sent to a small town in Massachusetts to investigate some recently discovered graves. Soon their leader is possessed by an a long deceased witch and all hell breaks loose.

 

 

      Not surprisingly, this film shares a lot of the same flaws as its predecessor. Bad dialogue, worse acting and bad special effects. What I found particularly annoying about this film was actually two scenes that were supposed depict one character walking around with a hand held video camera while holding up conversation with one or more other characters. These scenes had the potential to be intense but come off as obnoxious because the voices of the characters holding the cameras (who are not visible) were recorded in a studio in post. This creates a very noticeable (and distracting) difference in audio quality from one line to the next. On top of that by the end of the film, I was not engaged at all, I was just waiting for it to end. Oh well... we still have one more film to try and turn it around. It could be good... right?

 

Love,

    The B-Movie Guy

Facebook: B-Movie Guy   Twitter: @BMovieguy   #BMovieblog   #Witchouse2

 

 

The Witchouse Trilogy (Part 1 of 3)

                                     Score: 1 out of 10

     
       Almost every morning on my way to my day job, I stop at the local convenience store (I won't name the establishment, we'll just say their name is based on what their hours of operation were at one point) for my morning cup of coffee. A few days ago I noticed they started selling used DVDs. Never being one to pass up an interesting buy, I stopped to lake a look. That is when I noticed a box set for a trilogy of films entitled "Witchouse." I figured for ten dollars, even if they suck at least I am not out that much money. Well, get ready, because now I feel cheated out of ten dollars. "Witchouse" (BTW, if you google "Witch House or Witchhouse" you will not find any thing about the movies. Would it have killed them to use one of those two spellings?) was directed by David DeCteau (who is also responsible for Puppet Master III, also produced by Full Moon) and stars(?) Ariauna Albright, Matt Raftery and Ashley McKinney.

          This movie is so bad, it is almost like a bad joke. In fact this movie is so boring I actually found myself fighting sleep through most of it. Every time it seemed like something interesting was about to happen it would just fizzle. The plot revolves around a girl throwing a party for her class mates and it turns out that she is the descendant of a witch burned at the stake and her classmates are descended from the people that burned the witch (Think I am giving to much away? you can actually get that much by reading the back of the box). The bad acting, writing, directing and special effects (seriously, for a movie made in 1999, the effects are on par with an early eighties made-for-t.v. movie) do not do this movie any favors. The sad part is I still have two more films to go. Ugh.



Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter @BMovieguy   Facebook: B-Movie Guy
#Bmovieblog   #Witchouse

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (I Was Cheering For The Zombies)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

            Hey guys, I just heard about this book that is getting super popular! So popular that they are actually making a movie out of it! It's about Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires. Now I know this sounds crazy, but what if we made our own movie where Abe fights zombies and we completely ignore history and just put it out as soon as possible! That could work, right? The answer is no. No it does not work. "Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies" was released in 2010 and was directed by Richard Schenkman and stars Bill Oberst Jr., Kent Igleheart and Rhianna Van. Having Spent an hour and thirty minutes watching this stinker of a film, I can honestly say I hate all of the people I just mentioned.

      So where does this film go wrong? Everywhere. The make up effects where terrible. When you make a zombie film you really have a chance to get creative with the zombies themselves. Think about the variety of ways that these people would have died, then incorporate that into there make up. Apparently all these people died from natural causes or simply a zombie bite. Then there is the special effects. There was so much bad CGI in this movie at times I felt like I was watching someone play a video game. In fact, they used CGI to make fire and smoke come out of the guns. This creates many shots where guns that are not cocked get fired. you never see the hammer move at all!

            On top of this the writing was just bad and the acting was worse. The majority of the action takes place in the south, but the characters who are found living there just barely (if at all) have a southern accent. Overall this movie was pretty bad. I have to admit I actually feel ashamed just for having watched it in the first place.



Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

Facebook: B-Movie Guy   Twitter: @BMovieguy
#BMovieblog   #Abrahamlincolnvszombies

Trip With The Teacher (it would have been more exciting if they stayed home)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

 

                  I always love a good exploitation flick. I can not say, however, that this film is an exception because it is just not good. "Trip With the Teacher" was directed by Earl Barton (this film was, by the way, the only time he actually directed) and stars Zalman King, Robert Gribbon and Cathy Worthington. I know there are probably gonna be some people hating on me because Mr. King has somewhat of a cult following but I personally believe that his following is attributed to his work as a director, not an actor. In fact it was performance that bothered me the most out of every body's. Every one's acting was kinda bad, but the entire film, it was almost as if King was falling asleep. I get that he was supposed to be dangerous and mysterious, but I just found it completely annoying. What bothers me even more is that I have seen Zalman King act in other films before and he wasn't bad. I'm not sure if I should attribute this to bad acting or bad directing. Was Barton encouraging that?

 

              Another thing that really killed it for me was how boring this film is. For the first thirty minutes almost nothing happens. Then even when things do start to pick up the film is so horribly paced I still get bored watching. By an hour into the movie I was really fighting the urge to turn it off. In conclusion. Bad acting. Bad pacing. Boring Story. Boring action scenes. Poor Direction. Are there any redeeming qualities here? Yes. The soundtrack was pretty good and I felt the poor film quality helped to build a really nice atmosphere. Unfortunately that is all the film really has going for it.

 

Love,

    The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovie guy #Bmovieblog   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

 

 

Tucker and Dale VS. Evil (It's like Deliverance, only funnier)

Score: 7 out of 10 

    Boy, did I misjudge this one. When I first saw the title on Netflix I thought, "No way. That looks really stupid." Then I thought back to some of the other films I have blogged about and still thought "No." Then my father-in-law and my wife (who normally hates my taste in movies) spent quite a while ranting about how funny it was and how much I would love this. Reluctantly I sat down and was proven total ly wrong. "Tucker and Dale vs. Evil" is about two backwards-ass-rednecks who buy a summer home (an old run down shack that kind of reminds me of the old "Friday the 13th" sets) and accidently scare some colledge kids camping in the area. Later they rescue one of them from drowning and the poor girl's friends believe that our redneck heros have kidnapped her and attemp to get her back resulting in some hilariously gorey scenes. It stars Tyler Labine, Alan Tudyk and Katrina Bowden. It was Directed by Eli Craig.

         Friends, I know why most of you guys read this blog (I do see the analytics once in a while) and personally I'm a little offended. That being said, I am not going to tell you if this film has any nudity or not. You will just have to look at the picture to the right and judge for yourself. Regardless of boobies or no boobies, this film was hilarious! I was genuinly laughing and there were quite a few moments where I was thinking "Wow, that is really gory!" In addition, the story was pretty believable (probably more so than a lot of the films it lampoons) and the acting was pretty top notch. I mean, you are most likely not going to see any of these actors or actresses win any academy awards, but if I happen to see their names on a movie poster it might get me to watch another film. Another thing I would like to point out is how much amazing chemistry was between Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyk (Tucker and Dale), These two work so well together on camera that I would be willing to believe that they are best friends in real life. I would love to see them revive these characters for another few movies.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy #Bmovieblog
Facebook: B-Movie Guy

Galaxy Of Terror (Beware The Giant Raping Worm!)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

             As much as I would love to sit hear and type a few paragraphs about how terrible this film was, I can not. In fact it was somewhat enjoyable. The special effects were not bad (although a tad bit out dated for 1981 standards), the acting was pretty good and it did help start the careers of both Bill Paxton and James Cameron (that last part being a good thing is arguable. For those of you who love trivia, Mr. Cameron was the art director and Mr. Paxton was the set dresser). "Galaxy of Terror" was directed by Bruce D. Clark and stars Edward Albert, Erin Moran and Ray Walston. By the way, keep an eye out for (70's exploitation star) Sid Haig, (Pre-Freddy Krueger) Robert Englund and (late night cable porn master) Zalmond King! I for one just find it so amazing that so many popular and talented (i feel the need to say popular and talented because I feel that not everybody mentioned fits into both categories.) people came together to make such a campy movie.

         The films plot focuses on a rescue crew that answers a distress beacon and are attacked by monsters. The problem with this film, besides ripping off several other sci-fi films (and rather blatantly, might I ad), is the pacing. I have said time and time again that pacing can ruin on otherwise damn good movie and this is a perfect example. There are so many moments where I felt glued to my television, but they are all broken up by long, drawn out, boring and sometimes pointless scenes (I actually feel like this movie could have been about twenty minutes). For that reason there were many moments where I found it hard to pay attention and that is why this film only gets a seven.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy
Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog  
Facebook: B-Movie Guy

Howard the Duck (This Film Cost $36,000,000)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

           Let's just consider the title of this blog for a moment. This movie cost thirty six million dollars to produce. There are a lot of things you could do with thirty six million dollars. Example: I would fund a science project to make a half man half duck that would follow me around and drop one liners and that would be way more entertaining than this movie was. Now, just to give you some background, I vaguely remember watching this when was a small b-movie child but for the life of me could not remember a thing about it. When I saw it coming on HBO I thought, "Why not?" "Howard the Duck" was directed by Willard Huyk and stars Lea Thompson (who I have a new found admiration for after she nearly simulated a sex scene with a midget in a duck costume), Jeffrey Jones and Ed Gale.

                  Well if nothing else, now I remember 'why not.' It was boring, unfunny and suffered a serious personality crisis. The first half of the film is kind of a perverted comedy. Howard (he is the duck) walks around getting into trouble, making one liners and just generally being perverted. then the second half of the movie tries to become a sci-fi/action movie complete with chase scenes and mutant monsters. The really sad part is from what I'm told, this was Marvel's first attempt turning one of their comics into a full length feature film. BLECHHH!

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #BMovieblog   #HowardtheDuck   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

Nude Nuns With Big Guns (Not As Cool As You Would Think)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

                 I honestly have nothing nice to say about this movie. The only reason it even scored a three out of ten is because I did not feel this film was as bad as some other films I have reviewed. "Nude Nuns" was written and directed by Joseph Guzman and it stars Asun Ortega, David Castro and Perry D'Marco. From beginning to end it was nothing more than a pure shitfest. To be fair the film did have it's share of nude nuns and some pretty big guns, but beyond that it offers very little. The plot is as basic as can be (a nun kills people because god wants her to get revenge for a slaughtered convent), the dialogue is terrible, the acting is all over the place (as soon as somebody starts to give a good performance they immediately do something to ruin it) and the movie as a whole is largely ripped off from almost every film ever mad by Robert Rodriguez.

         I'm not kidding. The worst is during the opening credits. I am ninety nine percent sure that was theme from "Planet Terror" playing. It is almost as if some studio bought a script and could not get Rodriguez to direct so they got Guzman (who by the way also directed "Run! Bitch, Run!"). In short I can not recommend you watch this film unless you are very drunk or need something to just make you feel angry for having wasted your time. You should be ashamed, Mr. Guzman.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #nudenuns   #BMovieblog   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu (Comedic Horror)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

            I guess I am just rolling on the Lovecraft train lately. I was reading from the Necronomicon (this word should be familiar to any Sam Raimi fans out there) and got bored and decided to watch a movie. That is when I stumbled across "The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu." Our film is about a couple of slackers who are contacted by an ancient society and informed that one of them is the last living relative of famed horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. Then they are told that all the stories are real and are given a relic to protect. They then embark on a quest to find the the legendary Captain Olaf (keep an eye out for a reference to D.C. Comics) and divert the end of the world a la the return of Cthulhu. The movie was Directed by Henry Saine and stars Kyle Davis, Devin McGinn (who also wrote the film) and Matt Bauer. I must say that this film was pretty entertaining through out.

            The film as a whole was not short on humor. Through out the one hour and eighteen minutes it played I was laughing pretty consistently. I am also pretty impressed with the special effects and the creature costume. The lesson would be filmmakers can definitely take away from this film is that you should not have to heavily rely on C.G.I.. Your film could look just as good with paint, latex and a trip or two to the local butcher's shop. That being said, there was a tiny bit of gore here but not enough to really gross anyone out (unless you are particularly squeamish). So over all I say job well done. This film featured clever writing, lots of action and some cool effects. I am pleasantly surprised considering I thought I would hate it.

Love,

  The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy  #bmovieblog  #thelastlovecraft

Facebook: The B-Movie Guy

P.S.

If anybody is geeky enough to make a mask out of pic number two, please send me a pic!

The Call Of Cthulhu (An All New Silent Movie!)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

     
          I have always had a fondness for silent films. They have a certain charm that seems to have been lost when the "talkies" started to get released. I can not quite put my finger on it. Maybe it is the way the actors always seem to be over acting, or how the horror and science fiction films of that era all seem to share in a very surreal style (ex: "The Cabinet Of Doctor Caligari" and "A Trip To The Moon"). So you can imagine how I was immediately attracted to a film advertised as a "new silent film." Released in 2005, "The Call Of Cthulhu" was directed by Andrew Leman and stars Matt Foyer, John Bolen and Ralph Lucas. The plot of the film is as follows: A man comes across the research carried out by his late grandfather regarding the "Cult Of Cthulhu (when the next census comes around I am going to list that as my religion)" and he himself becomes drawn into the mystery.

            "Call" is a short but sweet movie. It only runs for about forty five minutes and all the acting is particularly good... well, when I say good, I mean they a good job of completely over acting. As previously stated, that fits right into the film's overall style. There is no real violence in the film. The only blood I remember seeing is sitting to the left of this paragraph and because of the "silent" style there is also no nudity. But who cares? This was still a pretty entertaining film! There were however a couple things that bothered me. If you watch carefully you can see little bits of modern technology slip into frame. On top of that, The visual effects and camera work felt more akin to the "talkies" that came in the two decades after silent films. Despite this, though, I still thoroughly enjoyed the full forty five minutes of this film. That in and of itself makes it worthy of an eight out of ten rating.

Love,

      The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy #Bmovieblog #Thecallofcthulhu

Facebook: B-Movie Guy

Non Si Sevizia Un Paperino (Don't Torture A Duckling)

Score: 9 Out Of 10

                Every so often I get a movie that hits me in a very emotional way. Maybe it is because I recently became a father for the first time, or because there seems to be so many stories in the news lately that this film reminds me of. I think what is most surprising is that it was directed (and co-written) by lucio fulci. I am not used to fulci films soliciting this kind of response from me. Normally I just get a cheep thrill out of all the over the top violence and the over abundance of nudity. The plot of "Non Si Sevizia Un Paperino" ( or "Don't Torture A Duckling" as it was released in America) focuses on a series of child murders and the people investigating and suspected of these murders. The story is emotional, disturbing, angering and at times almost a tear jerker (once again this could just be the parent in me talking). The film stars Florinda Bolkan, Barbara Bouchet and Tomas Milian. All of the actors gave pretty good performances. There were a couple of moments where the acting seemed to go down in quality a bit, but over all these moments were quickly forgotten.

          I think what surprised me the most was the social commentary found in this film. fulci and crew are not just taking shots at law enforcement but also the public and the media for their knee jerk style reactions to violent crimes. In addition they also manage to make some statements about the catholic church (if you are heavy into Catholicism you might want to avoid this one). I can honestly say I do not think I have encountered another fulci film with this much to say about society. If I have, I probably did not notice because of his usual level of violence (he was once quoted as saying "Violence is Italian art!"). Speaking of violence, I will not try to tell you that this film was devoid of violence, but I did notice far less than the average fulci film (ex: he has two films on England's notorious "Video Nasties" list). In closing, I am absolutely in love with this film. It just might replace "Zombie" (or "Zombie 2" for you purists out there) as my favorite fulci film.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #bomvieblog   #donttorturetheduckling

Going To Pieces: The Rise And Fall Of the Slasher Film (Another Documentary)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

           This past week a reader gave me a DVD to watch. It turned out to be a documentary about slasher films and being one who almost never turns down a slasher film (regardless if it is good or bad), I decided I would not mind watching a movie about slasher films. "Going To Pieces: The Rise And Fall Of The Slasher Film" was made in 2006 (it was based on the book of the same title published in 2002) and features interviews with Tom Savini, Wes Craven, Rob Zombie, Debra Hill, John Carpenter and Betsy Palmer (believe it or not, she did make a pretty good contribution to the genre). For the most part, this was a pretty good flick. It was entertaining, insightful and because I watched it on  DVD they got to show all the gore and nudity that made a lot of us fall in love with these movies when we were kids (you know, back before we knew anything about plot... or good dialogue... or good acting). The downside of this is I had to relive the final scene of "Sleepaway Camp," which was exactly as disturbing as I remember it. Someone in the film (I do not remember who) also pointed out that "The Crying Game" might have ripped that movie off. I will not debate that here (they did).

         So not bad for a documentary. The only gripe I could really come up with for this film was if you are a huge fan of slasher films or a horror movie buff, you are really not going to get anything out of this movie. It has it's moments where you might go, "Oh, I didn't know that," or "So that's how they did that," but even those moments are not terribly exciting. The film does touch on the protests that coincided with the release of certain horror films and parents outrage over other films, but even here the film does little to give a fresh opinion or some thoughts that all of us haven't had at one point or another. The final statement: If you are new to the genre and want to catch up, this just might be your movie. If you are a fan and looking for some deep thoughts on horror movies from the late 70's to the mid 80's, you might want to pass.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy     #BMovieblog   #Goingtopieces

Hexen Bis Aufs Blut Gequält (Mark Of The Devil)

Score: 6 Out Of 10 

           The picture to the left proclaims this to be "the most horrifying film ever made," and that might have been true in 1970, but by todays standards, I think it is actually pretty tame. Some people get burned alive, a few people get caned or whipped and one poor girl gets her tongue yanked out. Most amusing of all the torture was a guy being forced to sit in a large wooden chair while a fire is lit underneath him. The film takes place during the sixteenth century in germany and focuses on the real life early European wich hunts. I do not know how much of the film is accurate or how much of it is exagerated (I am willing to bet quite a bit is exaggerated), but over all the story is pretty good. The story focuses on the church using religion and fear to steal peoples land and possessions and rape and torture big brested women. One of the people working for the church begins to suspect wrong doings and starts to rebell.

          "Mark Of The Devil" was directed by Michael Armstrong and stars Herbert Lom, Udo Kier and Olivera Katarina. The acting here is pretty solid, especially on the part of Kier (but when does Udo Kier ever putting up a bad performance? Answer: NEVER!). I am used to seeing movies where you have the worst actors and actresses and Kier just

giving stellar performances, but this was not the case with this film. Everybody shows off some pretty good acting chops. The main problems with this film were not so great dialogue and the lack of real gore. Admittedly I am pretty decensitized but I do not believe that the average film fan is that much less decesnsitized than I. Most of the violence is mainly just blood splatter. A few people are dissmembered but the camera cuts away before you really see anything. A couple people get burned alive, but it just looks like dummies being tossed on fires.

                     On the positive side, it did keep me somewhat enter tained for about ninety minutes, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much. I should also mention that there were some rapes in there too. In fact, in hindsight I guess this could almost be considered an exploitaion film.

Love,
          The B-Movie Guy


Twitter: @BMovieguy   #BMovieblog   #Markofthedevil

Bloody Birthday (Way Cooler Than My Parties Ever Were)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

       In 1974, "Black Christmas" was released. Most horror fans are in agreeance that this is the film that started the "slasher" sub-genre of horror films (although I swear I've seen films that date as far back as the early 1930's that share in the same formula as "Black Christmas", this is just the first to experience any kind of popularity) and since it's release there have have been countless other films added to that sub-genre. Over the years I have seen horror movie psychos (both human and supernatural) mow down a seemingly endless parade of naked and semi-clothed teenagers. But I have to admit, I think this one actually showed me something new. The ruthless killer that beats, strangles and shoots it's victims to death is really just three young kids (they look to be about 11 or 12). The film stars Lori Lethin, Melinda Cordell and Julie Brown. It was written and directed by Ed Hunt.

       The plot is simple enough. Three kids who share the same birthday decide to celebrate it by killing their teachers, classmates and parents and seem to really have fun with it all the way through the movie. This movie, despite the fact that it's antagonists are children, still delivers on all the nudity and violence we've come to expect from 1980's slasher films over the years, so if sex and violence is your thing don't rule this movie out. The writing isn't bad, it could have been better, but what really sells you here is the acting. It was very easy for me to buy into really hating these kids, which in hind sight makes me sad because I really like kids. All in all, I'm gonna say this was a really entertaining film. There were some unintentional laughs but over all it was pretty good.

Love,
  The B-movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog   #Bloodybirthday

P.s.
I hope my kid doesn't turn out like this.

The Immortalizer (So Bad You Probably Shouldn't Even Read A Review)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

          Every time I think I find the worst movie ever I prove Myself wrong. "The Immortalizer" is so bad that I even have a hard time trying to find information about it online. It's almost as if the entire world has acknowledged how bad it is and decided to just forget it. After watching it I can't say I blame anyone for wanting to forget it. It was directed by Joel Bender (any "Power Ranger" fans out there should recognize that name) and stars Ron Ray, Chris Crone and Clarke Lindsey. None of these people do a good job on this film and all should feel ashamed of it. I hope the memory of this movie haunts their dreams at night. I feel really bad giving this film a bad review. The reason is because I almost always love 80's horror movies. This was the decade that really brought some memorable scares, a lot of which are mentioned on the "B-Movie Bucket List," by the way, but this one just makes the entire decade look bad.

          The plot is as simple as it is boring. A mad doctor kidnaps young people so old people will pay him to put their brains in the younger bodies. That's it. How they managed to get more than an hour out of that plot is beyond me, but somehow they managed to drag it out to about an hour and a half. When I say drag, by the way, I really mean DRAG. This movie was so unbelievably boring I had a hard time sitting through it. I made it about half way then I pulled out the iPad and started reading the IMDB page for it. That led me to the IMDB page for "Power Rangers" and, I'm not kidding when I say this, I got way more interested reading the trivia section for "Power Rangers" than I did actually watching the movie. Do yourself a favor, if you feel like watching this movie, instead click the link for "MMPR" and read the trivia section instead. It's WAY more interesting.


Love,
  The B-Movie Guy.


 Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog   #Theimmortalizer

The Slumber Party Massacre (Naked Women And A Serial Killer, It Must Be The 80's.)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

            A few weeks ago I blogged about a film produced by Roger Corman and when looking for something to watch this week, I saw his name and thought, "Why not?" Excuse me, Mr. Corman? Hi. I know you're a legendary producer and are responsible for one of my favorite movies, but could you please give me back the last 77 mins. of my life. Thanks. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy all the lovely naked women who appeared in this horror comedy, but the fact of the matter remains. I did not laugh and I am not feeling to frightened. So as a horror comedy I will have to say this one is a fail. "The Slumber Party Massacre (witch spawned two sequels by the way... I know, right... Two... A trilogy!)" stars Michelle Michaels, Robin Stille and Michael Villella. It was directed by Amy Holden Jones. I'm not joking when I say this, she also Directed the "Beethoven" films. Remember those? The cute dog movies where the family falls in love with the Saint Bernard. Apparently it only took ten years to go from drilling naked teenagers (pun) to family dog movies.


                       Alright, let's get down to why this movie stunk. The main problem: It's a horror COMEDY. So why wasn't I laughing? Answer: Because they followed the "Corman Philosophy" of film making. Fill it full of blood and boobies and hope horny teenagers pay to see it. But overall it even fails in that respect. Most of the nudity is right up front. After thirty minutes all you're left with is a fully clothed (with one quick exception), unfunny and flat out predictable horror film. They even had a cat jump out and scare the main character. If you really want to have fun with this movie, invite some friends over, get some alcohol going and you guys can take shots every time someone notices a cliche. Or you could just watch a good movie.

     Love,
       The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy  #Bmovieblog   #theslumberpartymassacre

Witchslayer: Gretl (WHAT THE HELL IS THE REAL NAME OF THIS MOVIE?!)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

       Holy Balls, this was bad! My first post was in regards to a film called "Slaughtered Vomit Dolls." That movie was so bad I honestly thought that nothing could have been worse. Luckily the SyFy channel was able to prove me wrong. This (made for T.V. SyFy channel original) movie stars Paul McGillin, Jefferson Brown and Shannen Doherty. The plot is simple; a grown up Hansel has become a (not so badass)witch hunter and is soon disturbed to find that his sister's body is now inhabited by the head witch. There are some subplots in there but all of them are pretty lame. Boring plots aside, there are so many things wrong with this movie that it's almost a crime. It suffers from bad acting, writing, dialogue, special effects, directing and sets. In order to prove a point, I will address these individualy.

Acting: The setting is supposed to be Germany. Would it kill them to have at least one person speak with a German accent?

Writing: The plot and sub-plots together make it feel like the story was written originaly for a video game, but then they changed there minds and mad a movie instead.

Dialogue: It's a period piece, they should at least talk like it's the mid eighteen hundreds.

Special Effects: The CGI in this one is so bad it's... well... it looks like every other SyFy channel original. So yeah... pretty bad.

Directing: Was there a director? If so IMDB doesn't seem to know he exists and neither do the actors.

Sets: With a few exceptions, the entire film looks like it was shot in a small patch of woods in New England.      

              I guess I shouldn't get too upset. Given the history of SyFy channel orignal films I should have known what I was getting into, but when you write a blog about bad movies it only stands too reason that sooner or later you will find yourself writing about something on the SyFy channel. That being said, what really dissapoints me is Shannen Doherty. Her acting in this was terrible. This movie is an example of why I belive she will be doomed to T.V.  and not theatrical films for the remainder of her career (including commercials that run during day time talk shows). That's upsetting because she used to be not bad as an actress. If you missed the premier and you see it coming up again on the program guide or maybe on demand and decide that you need to get your Doherty fix (I can't imagine why you would need a Doherty fix), do yourself a favor, Watch "Mall Rats" instead.


Love,
The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog   #Gretlwitchhunter

P.S.
Serously, if you go on the internet looking for this film, be warned, it has two or three differnt titles!

Monster (Humanoids From The Deep)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

           I feel like I find myself dealing with the subject of rape on this blog so much that I'm actually starting to feel bad about it. I mean, what if some sick-o reads this and starts raping women. On second thought, that would imply that people actually read this shit. Anyway, today I watched "Humanoids From The Deep (the opening titles in the movie refer to the film as Monster with the humanoids part in really really tiny print underneath, by the way)." This is film about sea monsters who come up on land for the purpose of mating with human women. Before we go any further, I would like to point out that the director, Barbara Peeters, wanted to make a darker and more serious horror film and was fired before completing the film by the producer, Roger Corman, for not filming enough nudity. There's two ways of looking at this. 1) Good for you Ms. Peeters, you stood up for what you believed in. 2) Good for you Mr. Corman, you gave us more titties. I haven't made up which side of the fence I'm on yet.

            So, our movie stars Doug McClure (you might remember him from some other shitty movies like: "The Land That Time Forgot" and "The Bananas Boat"), Ann Turkel and Vic Morrow. They all give terrible laughable performances. In all honesty, I actually kind of liked this film. It was really nothing more than cheesy monster costumes, boobies and lots of blood. Sure the movie is light on story, the effects looked bad, some of the characters did thing for seemingly no reason and all the dogs getting killed kinda upset me, but when you read the description for a movie on Netflix like this one has, you just no it's not really gonna be that good. Needless to say the reason I enjoyed this one was because I had low expectations. Sometimes you want a really good movie, sometimes you just want blood and boobies. This was a blood and boobies night.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #bmovieblog   #Humanoidsfromthedeep

P.S.
How the hell did this get four and a half stars on Netflix?!

La Morte Vivante (The Living Dead Girl)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

           I'm no stranger to the films of director Jean Rollins. I've previously watched "Rape of the Vampire" and "Schoolgirl  Hitchhikers (that was before I started blogging, sorry)." That being said, this is the first time I watched one of his films and said, " Not Bad." "The Living Dead Girl" is about a girl who is brought back to life after two dimwits try to dump chemicals in a crypt. Suddenly there is a pretty lame earthquake and the environmental criminals are murdered by the moments-ago-revived female lead. Later she is discovered by a photographer and a former childhood friend and a conflict over what to do with her ensues. The movie stars Marina Pierro, Francoise Blanchard and Mike Marshal.

            The major problem with this film is the acting. The story wasn't bad. I actually like the mix of horror and drama, but the acting is all over the place. Almost everyone here gives a performance that's too over the top or just completely flat. The dialogue left a lot to be desired as well. On top of that, the movie is in French (that's not the bad part) and there are English subtitles, but even when characters are speaking English the subtitles are still there! Much worse than that, the English subtitles don't always match what the characters are saying leaving me to wonder if what I'm reading is really what the french actors are saying.

         On the plus side, this is a very beautiful film. The sets and scenery are very pretty and there is plenty of full-frontal-female-nudity and blood to keep an audience entertained. Overall, I'm still gonna have to say this one was kinda lame. The first half hour or so I just felt bored and the rest of the film was only entertaining because of an okay plot, some boobies and lots of blood. Once again, it wasn't bad, but it could have been much better.

     Love,
        The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @Bmovieguy   #bmovieblog   #thelivingdeadgirl

Mechete Maidens Unleashed! (It's a Documentary... No, Really!)

Score : 9 Out Of 10

       
     If you have ever been curious about the "Exploitation" sub-genre of b-movies or the Philippines involvement in these films or their impact on mainstream cinema or just want to see lots of boobs and violence and people discussing boobs and violence, this film is for you. Released in 2010 it features interviews with Jack Hill, Pam Grier, Roger Corman, Judy Brown, Sid Haig, Colleen Camp and Joe Dante, just to name a few. It also goes behind the scenes of films like "The Big Bird Cage," "TNT Jackson," "Savage Sisters" and "The Hot Box." Overall this is a wildly entertaining look at a much overlooked and ignored genre that has helped to fuel the careers of filmmakers like George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Francis Ford Coppola. It also takes a hard look at the themes behind these movies and how they often reflected real life social and political issues.

          Another thing I really liked about this movie is that, like the movies it focuses on, it never really took it's self too seriously. Too many times have I found myself watching documentaries and thinking that the people behind it seem very pretentious. There was none of that with this one. The filmmakers here know they are touching what is often silly subject matter and don't seem to mind letting you know that. One more thing I have to mention is the pacing of this film. Being ADD (attention deficit disorder), it's very easy for movies to "lose" me if there is not enough action or excitement. That was not the case with "Maidens!" I was completely into it for the entire hour and twenty minutes it was playing. Incredible!

   Love,
      The B-Movie Guy
Twitter: @bmovieguy   #Machetemaidensunleashed  #bmovieblog

 P.S.
After watching the trailer, it should be obvious why I didn't post this one to my youtube channel. Sorry guys!

The Beast Within (It WAS a toupee)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

          I have to hand it to director Philipe Mora (it should come as no surprise after watching this that he also directed the second and third Howling films), I was not expecting much from this movie. After I got about half way through it, I really started to like this one. I have to mention, though, that the film is pretty dark. Not in a metaphoric way, I mean I had a hard time seeing what was going on for good parts of the movie. At first I was some what annoyed with this, but after a while I started to see how the darkness actually served the film. The plot is a little weird, it focuses on a monster that rapes (again with the rape?) a woman and seventeen years later her son starts to go all kinds of sick house on a small southern town. The main cast (folk singer Ronny Cox, Bibi Besch and Paul Clemens) all put up some pretty good performances. Admittedly, the story is a little much but the fact that the cast turns in such a good performance really helps to sell the movie.

       So let me mention that this is not a werewolf film. What is really odd here is that a lot of the art associated with this movie hints that it's about a werewolf, but when you watch it, the word "werewolf" is never actually used. The dialogue actually keeps hinting that the monster in question is more like a half man half cicada. That, by the way, really bothered me much more seeing how I really dislike bugs! Also let me touch on the the two things that I'm sure most people reading this are going to be wondering (and no I'm not talking about whether or not there's nudity... there is).

 1) Is there a good transformation scene?

 2) Do they show the monster too much?

         The answers are yes, and unfortunately, yes. The transformation scene was one of the better ones I've seen over the years, and once again, Paul Clemens' performance is really what made it cool. Unfortunately, the last seven or eight minutes of the movie shows way to much of the monster, but I don't want to fault them too much because after a really good transformation scene, it's a little too hard to just leave it to peoples imaginations.

   Love,
      The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy  #Bmovieblog   #Thebeastwithin

Horror Planet (Space Rape)

Score : 6 Out Of 10

               For nine months I have been waiting for the B-movie wife to go into labor with our first born. Today was supposed to be the due date (BTW, I really love the looks people give you when they ask when your wife is due and you say today), but after spending an entire day wandering around the nearest big city she still hasn't gone into labor. So this evening I decided to watch a movie for the blog to pass the time. When I came across "Horror Planet" (originally released under the title "Inseminoid") and read the description it seemed like a must see given my situation. The plot is as follows: A crew of space archaeologists come across an alien being who rapes one of their crew mates. Later she discovers she is pregnant and starts murdering and cannibalizing the rest of the crew. "Horror Planet" was released in 1981 and was directed by Norman J. Warren. It stars Robin Clarke, Jennifer Ashley, Stephanie Beachman and a bunch of other people I've never heard of.

               I have to give credit where credit is due on this one. It never lost my attention and the overall story and dialogue were actually pretty good. On the other hand, the film suffers from some pretty sub par acting and lame creature effects. I give them credit for coming up with the creatures they did for a budget of only two million dollars, but the film might have benefited more if the creatures were on screen less. The more you see of them the more disappointing they become. I would have been better off imagining the monsters. Once again the acting wasn't particularly good. Every single person in this film was either completely over doing it or was completely phoning it in. Not a lot of middle ground. As whole, I must say this has not turned me off to Norman J. Warren as a director. In the future I'll most likely be watching some of his other films.

      Love,
          The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #bmovieblog   #Horrorplanet

White Zombie!

Happy Friday!
    Love,
       The B-Movie Guy.
Twitter: @BMovieguy  #bmovieblog   #whitezombie