The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

          For about a year now, people have been coming up to me and asking, "Hey, B-movie Guy, have you seen Human Centipede?" In fact, almost every time I get into a discussion about this blog, or B-movies or movies in general, this particular film always seems to get mentioned. Some people have ranted about how absolutely disgusting it is while others seem to laugh and go on about how much fun they had with it. I am neither of those.
         
          This film was directed by Tom Six and it stars (is 'stars' really the appropriate term?) Dieter Laser (star of the film 'Suck My Dick.'-it's an actual movie, not a porno. Look it up.), Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie. The plot is centered on two porn stars who get lost in what may or may not be Eastern Europe and arrive at the door step of an insane doctor who wants to stitch them ass to mouth with a third unwilling participant. I know what you're saying; "But B-Movie Guy, that's just cray!" Yes, yes it is.

                One thing I feel is important to mention is that I actually felt disappointed in a weird kinda way because they never actually show the surgery being performed. There is all kinds of build up, including a really creepy scene where the good doctor explains the surgery to his patients, and then they just skip over it and show you the end result. In fact most of the violence in this film is really no worse than any random 1980's action film. Most of the really gross stuff is really just in your head. Even the scene where the first segment realizes they have to poop. You just see a lot of crying and some dry heaving.
                So over all, I have to say this film was some what of a let down. I really didn't get any of the big shocks or gross out moments I was waiting for. I can appreciate that Tom Six went the more psychological route and let his audience imagine most of the real terror, but this film was marketed on the premise that it is the sickest thing you will ever see. Unfortunately that is what kills it. They should have marketed it as a psychological horror film and not a gross out movie.



Love,
The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Thehumancentipede

Male Nudity (This is where i lose everyone)

           Some people who read this blog have asked me lately why there is so much female nudity in b-movies (really movies in general) and so little male nudity. I've decided to make an attempt at explaining this phenomenon. Okay, here goes: The film industry is run by men and we are pretty much all scumbags. I have no problem admitting that we (men) are pretty much all perverts, but at the same time I sympathize with the female audience. They deserve a little something too, right? So in attempt to even the score a bit, here is a list of b-films with male nudity in them:

Sleepaway Camp (1983)



The Groove Tube (1974)



Salo (1975)



I Am Curious (1967

(NO TRAILER... That sucks. It's a good one.)

Sweet Sweetbacks Badasssss Song (1971)



Thrillers: A Cruel Picture (A Hookers Revenge) (They Call Her One Eye) (1974)



Romance X (1999)



Antichrist (2009)



Love,
The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Penis

Hobo With A Shotgun (When life hands you razor blades...)

 Score: 10 Out Of 10

         "I used to be like you... a long time ago. All brand new and perfect. No mistakes, no regrets. People look at you and think of how wonderful your future will be. They want you to be something special... like a doctor or a lawyer. I hate to tell you this, but if you grow up here, you're more likely to wind up selling your bodies on the streets, or shooting dope from dirty needles in a bus stop. And if you're successful, you'll make money selling junk to crackheads. And don't think twice about killing someone's wife, because you won't even know it's wrong in the first place. Maybe... you'll end up like me. A hobo with a shotgun."

                    This movie really got me going. It had everything! A compelling story, violence, boobies (briefly), and hobos! The story revolves around a hobo (who is never actually named) who witnesses a decapitation in the streets, stops a rape, is beaten down by a dirty police chief, befriends a prostitute, engages in spirited conversations about bears and grabs a shotgun during a robery and starts blasting bad guys. Soon after he decides to make a career out of blasting bad guys and the movie becomes a true epic of b-films. It was directed by Jason Eisener and stars Rutger Hauer, Brian Downey and Molly Dunsworth. It runs for 86 mins.
                 
                  Another cool thing about this movie is that while watching the it I got the feeling that the people who made it were really passionate about it. Rutger Howard and Brian Downey turn in really great performances and have great chemistry playing opposite of each other! Another thing that deserves mention is the way the violence is portrayed. The movie never seems as violent as it really is (with maybe a couple of exceptions) because of how over the top oit is. More often than not while watching, the violence reminds me more of an "Itchy and Scratchy" short than it does any real life situation. Even when they burned the scchool bus full of children I caught myself giggling... When I read that last sentance back out loud, it sounded pretty bad. Can we forget I just said that? Please?

                 In conclusion, this was a movie well worth it's run time. It was funny, compelling and and got a good couple of shocks out of me! Perfect for entertaing a group of drunken friends.

Love,
The B-Movie Guy.

P.s.



#Bmovieblog #Hobowithashotgun

Nude Per Satana (Naked For Satan)

          Score: 3 Out Of 10 

            This week I thought I would write about a real gem of Italian eroticism, then I watched "Nude For Satan" and decided to write about that instead. The movie is about an hour and a half and stars Rita Calderoni, Stelio Candelli and James Harris. It was directed by Luigi Batzella and was released in October of 1974. The film is about a man who arrives at an Italian castle and begs the inhabitants for help with an injured women and is soon sucked (in more ways than one... you know what? I'm just going to apologize now for that joke and anymore I might make later. Sorry.) into a weird fantasy world of sex and... um... well... sex.

             The real problem with the film is that it spends ninety mins. trying to be artistic, but after twenty mins. I was left with the impression that it was just an excuse to show the same woman naked over and over, then late in the movie show three women naked over and over. Not that there is anything wrong with that. The other problem, and I'm not sure how this happened, what with all the boobies and all, but the movie as a whole was just plain boring. Several times I fought the urge to pick up my iPad and start looking through Facebook. The story didn't draw me in at all, the dialogue was often silly or just weird and the incredibly fake spider didn't even get me laughing like other incredibly fake spiders have before (see The Fly (1958) and Tarantula (1955)). I never thought I'd say this, but... I guess lots of nudity doesn't make for a good movie. Wow. That hurt a little to say out loud.



                  I know right! That's a really cool looking trailer! What happened!?

Love,
The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Nudepersatana #Nakedforsatan

Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl (Why are the Japanese so racist?)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

             I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just address the elephant in the room. This film is kinda racist... okay, it's really, really racist. There is a group of Japanese girls wearing black make up and wearing prosthetics acting like complete and total (American) black stereotypes. One of them at one point attacks another student with a spear and in another scene three of them are playing bongos and chanting, "Obama! Obama! Obama!" It's pretty bad.
          
           If you can get past that, it's otherwise not a bad movie. I mean, the CGI sucks, the acting sucks, there's no nudity, and it really doesn't get all that gory until the last twenty minutes of the film. Okay, so maybe it was pretty bad. But it didn't feel that bad while I was watching it. The movie is almost ninety minutes and was directed by Yoshohiro Nishimura and Naoyuki Tomomatsu. It stars Yukie Kawamura (vampire girl) and Eri Otoguro (frankenstein girl). It was released in 2009.



           So i guess the redeaming quality here is the crazy Japanes humor. The film is more often then not really funny... I mean minus the black thing. It's hard, I really want to like this film, but I think most people who read this will go, "Wow B-Movie Guy, your a racist!" Mybe that's a rediculous fear, but it is still keeping me from giving this film a good review. Well, that and the fact that minus the rest of the comedy, it pretty much sucked. Anyway, watch it and deciede for yourself. Then you can email me after and we can talk about how guilty we feel for having enjoyed it. I really am going to hell.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog #Vampiregirlvsfrankenstiengirl

I Spit On Your Corpse. (SO MANY BOOBIES!)

       Score: 10 Out Of 10

           I'm not gonna lie to you. I really expected this movie to suck. I took one look at the title and thought, 'Great, another movie re-released with a new title (It was originally released as "Girls for Rent") to try and cash in on the underground success of the "I Spit On Your Grave'" remake. I wanted to hate it. I wanted to sit in the couch and spend 90 mins. making fun of it then write a blog where I tell people about how it was the worst movie ever. I was so wrong, it's a crime. This is quite possibly the most fun I've had watching a movie in a long time. It has everything!

Awesome seventies score: Check.

Car chases: Check.

Gun fights: Check.

A woman getting topless to fight: Check.

At least one sex scene that has nothing to do with anything: Check.

                  I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning. The movie stars Georgina Spelvin, Susan McIver and Rosalind Miles and it was directed by Al Adamson. The plot is simple, A women drugs/fucks a guy to death then decides she can't be a call girl anymore so she decides to run away to Mexico. Then, two super sexy seventies assassins give chase thinking she'll talk and ruin the whole prostitution ring they helped build. The assassins then shoot, fight and have sex with everything that stands in there way.
                This movie is a prime example of 1970's exploitation and was made much in the same vein as "Switchblade Sisters" and "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" So far I have to admit it might be one of my favorite of that particular genre.



Did you watch the trailer? Isn't that fucking awesome! Drop what ever your doing right now and get a copy of this movie to watch! Watch it on Netflix, order it on eBay or steal it off the Internet. I don't care, it's that awesome!

Love,

The B-Movie Guy.

P.s.

Seriously, it was awesome.

#Bmovieblog #Ispitonyourcorpse #Girlsforrent

Mothers Day (Um... Sorry, Mom.)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

                        Oh, where to begin. Let's start with the plot. Three college roommates reunite for a weekend camping trip and are kidnapped, beaten and raped by backwoods hill-folk and there psychotic mother. It stars Nancy Hendrickson, Frederick Coffin and Beatrice Pons. It was written and directed by Charles Kaufman (brother of some-what-legendary independent film maker, Lloyd Kaufman) and produced by Troma Films. Allow me to say now that the fact that it's a Troma film from the 80's should give you an idea of how this is going to go.
                     
                       This movie has a huge personality crisis. It can't decide if it wants to be a serious 'horrible things happen to not so horrible people when they enter very rural areas type of movie (much in the style of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "Last House On The Left" and "Virgin Spring"- look that one up)' or a typical campy bra less Troma movie. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to Troma (more often than not I really love those guys), but this one had me entertaining the idea that maybe I have a problem with split personality. I spent the better part of the last 90 mins. either rolling my eyes or seriously rooting for the girls to escape and/or get revenge on their captors. Make up your mind, Charles! On the other hand I do have to hand it to all the actors and actresses for handing in some very solid performances. Like I said, for a good part of the film I was really into it.
                     The special effects weren't bad. They weren't great, but they weren't bad for a film shot for around $115,000. I was also impressed with the scenery. I was able to tell that they really did go to the middle of nowhere to shoot this film. Rumor also has it that the house where a good part of this film took place (which was decorated with spray painted phrases, like: "Die, Bitch!" and "Sex is immoral," and a John Travolta poster) had a dead body in it when the crew discovered it. Something like that just screams "DON'T FILM HERE!" On a scale of 1-10, I give this one a 6. It would have scored higher if it was more consistent with it's style, but was still enjoyable.

Love,
The B-Movie Guy.



#Bmovieblog #Mothersday