Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers (Older Than Old School)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

         It is no secret that "Flash Gordon (1980)" is one of my favorite movies (I even have Queen's "Battle Theme" as my ring tone) so when I got a chance to sit down and watch the 1936 "Space Soldiers" serial I was pretty excited. "Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers" was directed by Fredrick Stephani and Ray Taylor. It stars Buster Crabbe, Jean Rogers and Charles Middleton. The plot plays out over thirteen episodes and the gist of it is that a planet is about to crash into the Earth and our hero (Flash, as if I should have to tell you) is shot off into space with Dr. Zarkoff and his lady friend to save us all from impending doom (That really is the simplest explanation I can give). Right off the bat the audience is treated to action (and stock footage) that runs nonstop through out the entire thirteen episodes. Literally until the last few minutes of the final episode. Watching them, I honestly felt as if I was six years old again watching old science fiction shows on a Sunday morning (if only there was a Super Nintendo to turn on after I was finished watching).

        The problem with content like this is that it is very difficult to review. I (like many other fans) feel very nostalgic over things like this, so you have to take my "7 Out Of 10" score with a grain of salt. There is a lot to dislike here for most of the younger science fiction fans. The special effects are terrible (even for their time), the acting is hit or miss, the dialogue and writing are often laughable and the whole thing as a whole seems very silly. On the other hand, It is just so damn cool! I mean, all of it! There is rocket ships shooting at each other and Flash gets into fist fights with men, monsters and mutants alike at an almost constant pace. To add to the mix there is also giant monsters, cool costumes and all kinds of outrageous (and fun) characters. To sum it up, a lot of these old movie serials are lost on audiences today. They are held in the same regard, if not a lower regard, than "Sy Fy Channel Originals." But I promise, If you just throw on a couple of episodes and pop some popcorn and really let yourself get lost in Flash's world, than there really is a strong chance that you too will find a lot to love about these old science fiction movie serials.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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P.S.
To prove my point, instead of a trailer, I'm giving you the first two episodes in their entirety. Why? Because I love you.

Dinosaur Island (A New Low... Even For Me)

Score: 1 Out Of  10

       Well, I have finally found something worse than all those god awful Sy-Fy Channel originals. This movie is so bad I considered not even blogging about it because I did not want to admit to people that I actually watched it. "Dinosaur Island (1994) was directed by Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski (Really? Two directors and it was still this bad?!). It stars Ross Hagen, Richard Gabai and Antonia Dorian. The film tells the story of five commandos who wash up on an uncharted island and are forced to deal with busty tribal women, busty cave women and not so busty dinosaurs. There is absolutely nothing to like about this movie. Every aspect of this movie is just down right bad. The overall film leaves me wondering if maybe one director wanted to make an action film about dinosaurs and the other wanted to make a late night cable porn movie. In fairness, late night cable porn movies are more enjoyable than this stinker. I only thing I actually enjoy about this movie is the Frank Frazetta style art work that graces the DVDs cover (seriously, that is a really cool painting).

     What annoyed me the most about this movie is the main character. He spends the majority of the movie making one liners that are no where near funny and they come at a constant pace. It feels like this guy was making me role my eyes every thirty seconds or so. Also, it really bothers me that all these women who are completely isolated from society can speak perfect English, are reading a porn mag (because why would an uncharted island full of dinosaurs not have porn?), yet they do not know what a kiss is. But honestly, when it comes to stupidity, in this movie, that is just the tip of the iceberg. The only enjoyment any one is going to get out of this movie is teen aged boys fast forwarding to the nude scenes.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Hellgate (A Little Too Familiar)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

   Remember that old ghost story about the guy driving by the grave yard and he picks up a strange girl who does not say much and he drives her home only to return the next day looking for her and an old woman tells him that was her daughter and she died years ago (I think I remember seing an epsiode of "Unsolved Mysteries" that did a segment about it)? Now imagine if someone decided to give that story a ninety minute backstory. "Hellgate (1990)" was directed by William A. Levey. It stars Ron Palillo (from "Welcome Back, Kotter," ask your parents), Abigail Wolcott and Carol Trichardt. The film tells the story of a girl killed by a motorcycle gang and her father who finds this crystal that bring things back from the dead. He (obviously) uses the crystal to bring the girl back to life and she, in turn,seduces travelers and brings them to their small town so her father can murder them. To be perfectly honest this film does have its high points. The overall look is really cool and for the vast majority of the movie it is genuinely creepy.

   Unfortunately, every other aspect of this movie is garbage. The actors and actresses are just just terrible and the dialogue is unbelievably bad (seriously, who talks like that?). The movie was shot in 1989 but the special effects are straight out of the 1970's. The scenes that are supposed to take place in 1955 (most of the film is set in its current time) do not look like the 1950's at all. The only indication I got that it was the 50's was the soundtrack changed. Overall this was just a boring and forgettable movie. I almost completely lost interest half way through. In retrospect, I should have just watched "Unsolved Mysteries."

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Deathstalker (Another goodie)

Score: 7 Out of 10

   This is now the second film I've seen in this genre (low budget sword and sorcery) and I have to say that I am really enjoying these movies. "Deathstalker (1983)" was directed by James Sbardellati. It stars Rick Hill, Barbi Benton and Lana Clarkson (who also played the lead in "Barbarian Queen (1985)). The film tells the story of an adventurer who enters into a fighting tournament in order to rescue a princess. This is another film just like "Barbarian Queen." It has plenty of action and nudity and the pacing is really good. Unfortunately the film is marred by bad acting, bad dialogue and bad writing. In addition, the first half of the movie does not seem to make a lot of sense. Most of the scenes leading up to the fighting tournament do not seem to serve a purpose. They do little in the way of character development and with the exception of a few lines of dialogue here or there, the film as a whole does almost nothing to build a back story for any of the characters. The end result is a cast of characters who feel very one dimensional. When a couple of the main characters die, I felt almost nothing for them.

    Humor, however, is this films strong point. The movie from start to finish does not take itself seriously at all. It almost feels as if the director knew he did not have a chance at making a really good movie so he just had fun with it. The violence in the movie is also presented from a humorous stand point. There is quite a bit of gore in this movie (an amount that almost makes it more like a horror film than an action film) but even when a character was being pulled apart by horses it managed to get a chuckle out of me. Overall this is a pretty fun movie. It is also the first of a four part series so I look forward to watching the sequels.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Barbarian Queen (Not as stupid as it... Never mind)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

     This movie was a real surprise for me. I will start by saying that I am a big fan of films like "Conan The Barbarian (1982)" and "Red Sonya (1985)" as well as the "Heavy Metal" comic series (1977-Present), so in hindsight, I should not be surprised with myself for liking this movie. "Barbarian Queen (1985)" was directed by Hector Olivera. It stars Lana Clarkson, Katt Shea (who went on to direct "The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)") and Frank Zagarino. The plot follows the story of a tribal queen who's village comes under attack by Romans on her wedding day. After the attack she rounds up some other female warriors and sets off on a quest to rescue her kidnapped fiance and the other villagers. The plot really does not get any more in depth than that, but I am betting if you are reading this than you are not looking for a deeply intellectual experience anyway. There is, however, a lot to like about this film.

    The film is very well paced and is full of fun (and sometimes funny) action. It really had me entertained during an especially creative (and silly) torture scene. This film does have it's problems, though. The acting, more often is than not, is downright terrible and the dialogue is just laughable. Some of the actors were not speaking English while shooting and there is a pretty bad dub job to replace the original audio (think 1970's kung fu movies bad). This is no academy award nominee, folks. It is low budget, schlocky, campy and barely clothed fun. Pop some popcorn and invite your friends over and just enjoy it for what it is.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Hallowen Night (What Did I Just See?)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

       Do not be fooled by the first fifteen minutes of this film. It is not a rip-off of Rob Zombies remake of "Halloween." It was actually released about a year before. In fact it makes me some what suspicious of Mr. Zombies film. "Halloween Night" was directed by Mark Atkins and stars Derek Osedach, Rebekah Kochan and Scot Nery. The plot is about a killer who escapes from a psych ward and returns to his childhood home to wreak havoc on not-so-innocent party goers (that first part should sound familiar). No joke, the acting is bad, the dialogue is bad, the direction is bad, the special effects are bad and the writing is bad. There are a few good ideas in play here, but the film is so bad over all that it does not even seem worth it to acknowledge said good ideas... so I won't. One of the things that bothers me the most about this film is that if it was not for the horror elements, the film would have served as an at least half way decent drama (as a drama I would have given it at least a five out of ten).

      Unfortunately what we have here is a mess. The characters feel paper thin and relatively uninteresting and the villain himself is just all over the place. At one point he is beating people to death, then a few scenes later someone puts him in a headlock and he just completely takes it. The film makers try to make him in a couple of scenes seem sympathetic but even that completely fails. All of this leads up to a "twist ending" that just winds up being predictable and forgettable. An almost total waste of time.

   Love,

The B-Movie Guy

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Starcrash (It's Time To Hassle The Hoff)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

        How could a movie with box art this cool be so unbelievably boring?! "Starcrash" was written and directed by Luigi Cozzi (Who was also one of the directors responsible for "Godzilla") and stars Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro and Christopher Plummer. The plot is about a scantly clad intergalactic smuggler and her alien best friend who are tasked with rescuing an emperors son and destroying a super weapon. Also I should mention that the imperial son in question is none other than David Hasselhoff (If I can be honest, his performance here is nowhere near as good as that movie I saw where he laid on the ground and drunkenly ate a cheeseburger). In my time I have seen plenty of movies with the name Roger Corman stamped on them and for better or worse they were at the very least interesting (this is the man responsible for "Little Shop Of Horrors" (1960), after all). This film, unfortunately, is the exception that proves the rule. The movie was so boring I spent the entirety of the film thinking of all the things I could be watching that would be more interesting.

   The following is my list of programming that would have been more interesting:

1) Pro Golf
2)C-SPAN
3)The Joy Of Painting
4)Antiques Road Show
5)French Art Films

   I guess the real stinger here is that in addition to being a dull film it is also little more than a blatant "Star Wars" rip-off. Let this be a lesson to you, taking a good film and replacing a large part of the cast with hot girls in bikinis while shooting with a fraction of the budget is never a good idea.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

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P.s.
   I made mention of this film ripping off "Star Wars," but wasn't "Star Wars" just ripping off "The Hidden Fortress (1958)?" Just saying.