I Spit On Your Corpse. (SO MANY BOOBIES!)

       Score: 10 Out Of 10

           I'm not gonna lie to you. I really expected this movie to suck. I took one look at the title and thought, 'Great, another movie re-released with a new title (It was originally released as "Girls for Rent") to try and cash in on the underground success of the "I Spit On Your Grave'" remake. I wanted to hate it. I wanted to sit in the couch and spend 90 mins. making fun of it then write a blog where I tell people about how it was the worst movie ever. I was so wrong, it's a crime. This is quite possibly the most fun I've had watching a movie in a long time. It has everything!

Awesome seventies score: Check.

Car chases: Check.

Gun fights: Check.

A woman getting topless to fight: Check.

At least one sex scene that has nothing to do with anything: Check.

                  I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning. The movie stars Georgina Spelvin, Susan McIver and Rosalind Miles and it was directed by Al Adamson. The plot is simple, A women drugs/fucks a guy to death then decides she can't be a call girl anymore so she decides to run away to Mexico. Then, two super sexy seventies assassins give chase thinking she'll talk and ruin the whole prostitution ring they helped build. The assassins then shoot, fight and have sex with everything that stands in there way.
                This movie is a prime example of 1970's exploitation and was made much in the same vein as "Switchblade Sisters" and "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" So far I have to admit it might be one of my favorite of that particular genre.



Did you watch the trailer? Isn't that fucking awesome! Drop what ever your doing right now and get a copy of this movie to watch! Watch it on Netflix, order it on eBay or steal it off the Internet. I don't care, it's that awesome!

Love,

The B-Movie Guy.

P.s.

Seriously, it was awesome.

#Bmovieblog #Ispitonyourcorpse #Girlsforrent

Mothers Day (Um... Sorry, Mom.)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

                        Oh, where to begin. Let's start with the plot. Three college roommates reunite for a weekend camping trip and are kidnapped, beaten and raped by backwoods hill-folk and there psychotic mother. It stars Nancy Hendrickson, Frederick Coffin and Beatrice Pons. It was written and directed by Charles Kaufman (brother of some-what-legendary independent film maker, Lloyd Kaufman) and produced by Troma Films. Allow me to say now that the fact that it's a Troma film from the 80's should give you an idea of how this is going to go.
                     
                       This movie has a huge personality crisis. It can't decide if it wants to be a serious 'horrible things happen to not so horrible people when they enter very rural areas type of movie (much in the style of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "Last House On The Left" and "Virgin Spring"- look that one up)' or a typical campy bra less Troma movie. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to Troma (more often than not I really love those guys), but this one had me entertaining the idea that maybe I have a problem with split personality. I spent the better part of the last 90 mins. either rolling my eyes or seriously rooting for the girls to escape and/or get revenge on their captors. Make up your mind, Charles! On the other hand I do have to hand it to all the actors and actresses for handing in some very solid performances. Like I said, for a good part of the film I was really into it.
                     The special effects weren't bad. They weren't great, but they weren't bad for a film shot for around $115,000. I was also impressed with the scenery. I was able to tell that they really did go to the middle of nowhere to shoot this film. Rumor also has it that the house where a good part of this film took place (which was decorated with spray painted phrases, like: "Die, Bitch!" and "Sex is immoral," and a John Travolta poster) had a dead body in it when the crew discovered it. Something like that just screams "DON'T FILM HERE!" On a scale of 1-10, I give this one a 6. It would have scored higher if it was more consistent with it's style, but was still enjoyable.

Love,
The B-Movie Guy.



#Bmovieblog #Mothersday

Suck (Great Googly-Moogly, A Film I Actually Enjoyed!)

Score: 9 Out Of 10

                So what happens when you mash up "Rocky Horror" and "Spinal Tap?" Answer? Suck: A really (not sarcastic) good film about vampires and a rock band. This film was made in 2009 and stars Rob Stefaniuk (who also wrote and directed it), Jessica Pare (BTW, if someone could email me and let me know how to get letters with accents on this thing it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.), Alice Cooper and Malcolm McDowell. Not to mention cameos by Henry Rollins, Moby (because nothing says heavy metal vampires like Moby) and... OHMYGODITSIGGYPOPILOVEIGGYPOP!!!!... I mean... and Iggy Pop.

                Our film opens up to a failing rock band who after a horrible gig in Canada has their bass player(Jennifer) seduced by Goth Carrot Top.

                   Yup, that's him. I mean, seriously, every time this guy was on camera it was an unintentional laugh. Anyway, after the seduction, poor Jennifer is turned into a vampire and soon starts infecting the rest of the band. This movie features plenty of jokes (most of them actually work),recreations of classic album covers and a soundtrack that actually makes me want to look it up on iTunes (must not admit to stealing music on blog).
                This is where I feel I need to make a statement for all would-be-filmmakers out there. A lot of people might take away points from this film for it's almost total lack of special effects (it features a toy car for most of the travel scenes). There were no over the top vampire death scenes or gory transformation scenes. Instead what you get is a cast turning in solid performances that really sell you. It was easy for me to get lost in this film because i was able to get behind the characters despite how goofy some of them may have been. In closing I give this film an 8 out of 10. Not really an original idea for a movie, but done very well.

Love,
The B-Movie Guy.

P.S.

My new favorite line in a movie: "It's okay. I'm afraid of confined spaces... and water fountains.



                 #bmovieblog #Suck

Rock 'N Roll Frankenstein (how does a movie with this awsome of a title fail so bad?)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

          So what we have here is a film that I was super excited to watch, then got about an hour into the film and just started to feel disappointed. I do have to give it some credit, though. The movie did inspire the following conversation between the B-Movie-Wife and myself:

B-Movie-Wife: Is that guy masturbating to autopsy photos?

B-Movie-Guy: Maybe he's just scratching an itch.

B-Movie-Wife: *Gives me a raised eye brow.

B-Movie-Guy: Scratching the itch to masturbate to autopsy photos! Huh! Huh!

*Awkward moment of silence passes.

B-Movie-Wife: That's not funny.

B-Movie-Guy: I know.

        "Rock 'N Roll Frankenstein" was released in 1999, stars Graig Guggenheim, Jayson Spence and Barry Feterman. It was written and directed by Brian O'Hara. The plot is as follows: A down on his luck music producer hires his nephew (Dr. Franky Stein), an out of work coroner (also the guy playing jerky-jerky to the autopsy photos... ew.), to stitch together parts of dead rock stars to build the ultimate rock front man. Everything is going just splendidly until Franky mistakenly grafts Liberace's penis to the monster.
          This film at heart is a modernization of the classic Frankenstein story (just swap the 'wrong brain' bit with a 'wrong penis' bit), but quickly becomes just a series of bad gay jokes. the only part of the film that really got me laughing was a wonderful scene where the monster (referred to as 'King') tries to jam a gerbil up his own ass, but then gives up and in a moment of total randomness, decides to bite the little thing's head off. In the end, unfortunately, what we are left with is 88 mins. of 'Troma would have done it better.'

Love,
The B-Movie-Guy.

P.S.



#Bmovieblog #Rocknrollfrankenstein

The Bucket List (25 B-Films to See Before You Die)

1. Faster, Pussy Cat! Kill! Kill! (1965)



2. Cannibal Holocaust (1980)




3. Dolemite (1975)



4. Spider Baby (1968)



5. Women's Camp 119 (1977)

Trailer Unavailable, but what did you expect from a film about women forced to have sex with dead bodies in an effort to bring them back to life? No, really. That's what the film is about.

6. The Toxic Avenger (1984)



7. Night of the Demons (1988)



8. Waxwork (1988)



9. Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988)



10. C.H.U.D. (1984)



11. Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)



12. The Manster! (1959)

No trailer, but Sam Raimi fans should recognizes this scene.



Speaking of Sam...

13. The Evil Dead (1981)



14. The Dentist (1996)



15. Strike of the Tortured Angels (1982)

This is another one where I can't find a trailer, But the quick plot is three Chinese women (one not-so-cleverly disguised as a black woman) escape from prison and hilarity ensues.

16. The Astro-Zombies (1968)



17. Killer Condom (1996)



18. Tokyo Gore Police (2008)



19. Ricky-Oh: The Story of Rickey (1991)



20. Dead Alive (1992)



21. Terror Vision (1986)



22. Teenage Catgirls in Heat (1997)



23. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)



24. The Wizard of Gore (1970)



25. Demons (1985)



So there you have it, 25 b-movies to see before you die. Academy be damned, these are the films that truly matter.

Love,
The B-Movie Guy.

#Bmovieblog

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (or quite possibly the worst film I've ever seen!)

Score: 0 Out Of 10

                I'm not even sure where to begin with this one, so I'll start with the stats. This film was written (if you can call that writing) and directed by Lucifer Valentine... no seriously, that's the guys name. This is probably the kind of guy who would give himself a nick name and think it's awesome while his friends call him a douche bag behind his back. This film stars Amera LaVey (I wonder where she came up with that name?), Pig Lizzy and Maja Lee.  It runs for about 70 something minutes (no joke, at the 36min. mark, I thought I had been watching for hours), and was released in 2006.
               So this film from start to finish looks like a collection of home video footage run through bad screen filters. The only audio is random noises and distorted voices. It starts out as a collection of sex scenes that are especially degrading, then turns super gory (gore that also looks super fake), then returns to more sex scenes. At one point, just to give you, dear reader, an example of how fake the gore looks, at one point a woman's face is cut off and I was left thinking, 'How do you cut off someones face but not there eyelids or lips?' Don't worry, as the title implies there is also a ton of puke in there.
                At one point a woman even vomits on her own disembodied eyeballs. Now, don't get me wrong, I am the kind of moviegoer who genuinely appreciates a lot of sex and violence in a film. I mean, it certainly doesn't hurt, but more importantly a film (whether it be an A or B film) still needs a good story to be enjoyable.



Did you watch the trailer? No? Go ahead. I'll wait.
              That, my friend, is about as much of a story as you will get from watching the entire film! No joke. So in conclusion. on a scale of 1 to 10, I give this one a 2. It wasn't worth the time and I feel as if I have brought shame on my family for having watched it.

Love,
The B-Movie Guy.

P.S.
If you're still interested, this film is available on demand right now on Netflix.com. It has a 1 and a half star rating.

#Bmovieblog #slaughteredvomitdolls