Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising

Score: 2 Out Of 10

          I am going to try something different. I watched a crappy Sy-Fy-channel-esque film and instead of holding to my own standard of what a good movie should or should not be, I am going review it compared to other films of it's caliber. "Agency Of Vengeance: Dark Rising" was written and directed by Andrew Cymek and stars Brigitte Kingsley, Landy Cannon and Julia Schneider. The movie is about a secret government agency whose goal is to protect people from monsters. Summer Vale is their top agent who is a mess after her fiance is killed by a giant monster on their wedding day, but she has to pull it together to stop the impending armageddon. Other than Michael Ironside, there is almost nothing about this movie I like. The story, dialogue and acting are all over the place. Also the special effects, which are terrible, are greatly overused. There is no reason for CGI blood when someone gets shot.

        But when you compare this film to others in the made in the same style (or with a similar budget), it is still really terrible. The film as a whole just feels completely phoned in. It is almost like they were not even trying to make a good movie. The fact that I swear I saw one of the main characters look at the camera more than a couple of times just highlights how bad it all was. To be fair, This is a sequel and I have not seen the first movie, but if this movie is this bad then I do not want to see the original. What really hurts about the whole thing is Michael Ironside. I love that guy. I love most of his movies and the fact that he is in this makes me worry. Is he broke? He could do so much better than this.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Nurse 3D (10 CC's of Lame)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

           This movie has been sitting in my Netflix queue for quite some time and I finally looked at it and said 'Why not?' after having sat through the entire film I can actually think of several reasons why not. "Nurse 3D (2013)" was directed by Douglas Aarniokoski and stars Paz De La Huerta, Judd Nelson (yes, that guy from "The Breakfast Club (1985)") and Katrina Bowden. The film is about a nurse who also happens to be a serial killer who preys on married men. She becomes obsessed with a new nurse in her hospital and the high jinks begin. Honestly, the writing is bad, the dialogue is all over the place and the acting is just plain horrendous. Everything our main character says is said in this ridiculous sexy voice reminiscent of bad porn star stereotypes. You do not need to sound sexy when ordering medications or asking about a patient. After a few minutes it stops being fun and it just becomes really annoying.

     I understand that this movie was made to look like an old "grindhouse" film from the 1970's but those movies did not just rely on style, although had plenty of it, they had real substance to them. A lot of those films had a point to make (mind you, not always a good point, but a point none the less) and this film just does not. It really is just a bunch of sex and violence for the sole purpose of showing people sex and violence. By the way, if that is your thing then do not let me dissuade you, this movie is right up your alley. But me, I need more than that and this movie just did not deliver for me.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.
Twitter: @BMovieguy

Wolfcop (All Bark and a Little Bite)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

          I am a pretty big fan of werewolf movies. The problem is that for all the films I have seen from this genre, there are very few good ones. So whenever I come across a new movie I get a little excited thinking there is a chance I could have found another good werewolf movie. "Wolfcop (2014)" was written and directed by Lowell Dean and stars Leo Fafard, Amy Matysio and Sarah Lind. The movie is about an alcoholic police officer who is transformed into a werewolf while investigating a string of bizarre events and uses his new found wolfiness to better solve crimes. By the way, no, this film will not be added to my list of good werewolf movies. The dialogue is awkward and there are too many moments where the acting just becomes laughable. Another problem is that the longer the film goes on the more convoluted the story gets. By the end  of the film I was getting confused over who was who and what was what. Do not misunderstand me, Normally I like a film that requires thought, but this was just plain confusing.

      A big thing I always look forward to in a film like this is the transformation scene. I am happy to report this film features mostly practical effects and the end result is a pretty good (and gory) transformation. My only complaint about it is that the first thing we see transform is the main characters' penis. I get that it was meant to be funny and shocking but my first thought was 'That was unnecessary.' That being said, if there is another thing that saves this movie and it is the humor. There were a few moments throughout where I was laughing for the right reasons, just not enough for me to really be able to recommend this movie to anyone. Hopefully the sequel (announced for 2016) will get it right, because I really do like the premise.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.
Twitter: @BMovieguy

Arachnid (Giant Spiders Done Decent)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          I really wanted to hate this movie. From the moment I saw the cover I thought, 'Great, another giant spider movie.' But by the end , I wound up with some mixed emotions. I did not completely fall in love with it, but I did find a lot of positives in this film. "Arachnid (2001)" was directed by Jack Sholder and stars Chris Potter, Alex Reid and Jose Sancho. The plot focuses on a group of explorers who go to a small village in Guam to investigate weird insect bites and soon come face to face with bizarre arachnids in various shapes and sizes. The acting is only so-so but there are some gems in there, one scene in particular where a man has been partially cocooned and his trying to explain his condition to the rest of the team. The writing is a little all over the place. Characters are irrational in one scene and completely together in the next. Overall what really saved this film for me was it's use of practical special effects.

         In 2001, CGI (Computer Generated Imagery) still was not that good looking, especially in low budget films. So the vast majority of the effects in this film rely on puppets and latex and paint and all that good stuff. The end result is genuinely creepy moments. I admit to getting itchy more than once while watching the movie. One scene I really enjoyed was a dream sequence where one character watches another transform into a man sized spider. So, in the end what we have is not a great film  but not really a bad film. If your in the mood for some creepy crawlies and can put up with some awkward digital effects and nonsensical writing, give this film a go.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Fankenstein and the Monster From Hell (A Big Disappointment)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

  

            I am a fan of horror movies produced by "Hammer Films Productions." More often than not I feel that their versions of the classic monsters are some of the best around. Although once in a while even Hammer lets me down. "Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell (1974)" was directed by Terence Fisher and stars Peter Cushing, Shane Briant and Madeline Smith. The film is about a young doctor who begins trying to recreate Dr. Frankenstein's infamous experiment, but is apprehended and sentenced to five years in a psych ward. Once there, he finds the legendary doctor himself and they soon begin work on a new creature. The first problem I noticed with this film is the acting. Peter Cushing is fantastic (as always) as Dr. Frankenstein, but everyone else in the film is just plain terrible, Including the monster. To be fair, I do not put all of the blame on the actor playing the monster (David Prowse).

    If you can not tell by the picture to the right, Prowse was wearing a lot of make up and some prosthetics and as a result it seems he had to play the role with out being able to change his facial expressions, much like he was wearing a mask.  Conveying emotion with out people being able to read your facial expressions is very difficult for any actor, but not impossible (Ex: "The Maskmaker (1959)" starring Marcel Marceau). In addition to (mostly) poor acting the writing was also not very good. Nothing happens for literally the entire first half of the movie, and things do not really begin to pick up until the films climax (the last ten minutes or so). The whole film just feels forced, not as imaginative, or anywhere near as stylized as many of the other "Hammer" horror films that I have seen. In the end, I was just downright disappointed.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.
Twitter: @BMovieguy

The ABC's of Death 2

Score: 7 Out of 10

          I will start off by saying this film is actually leaps and bounds better than the first. It has more humor to it and there were a lot more good segments than bad ones this time around. "The ABC's of Death (2014)" is an anthology horror/suspense film. If you are not familiar, the premise is that twenty six different directors each made a short film (some of which are only a couple of minutes long) based on one word and then they are presented in alphabetical order. The result is a film like only one other thing you have seen before. A lot of the shorts are humorous, some are genuinely creepy or scary, and a couple made me even want to look away from the screen for all the right reasons. Also there were at least three shorts that I would not mind seeing as a full length feature ("C is for Capital Punishment," "I is for Inheritance," and "V is for Vacation"). Although, despite the vast majority of the shorts being pretty entertaining, there were some hiccups.  

       The couple of animated shorts were just weird and confusing. I really did just sit there after both and think 'What the fuck did I just see?' Even a couple of shorts seemed to be just weird for the sake of weird. Another few shorts had really bad special effects, as if the person(s) who worked on them just did not care at all. Overall, I would say that  I am impressed that a movie comprised of twenty six potential failures rolled up into one film had so few problems. The first one seemed like a real cluster-fuck with a lot garbage hiding the good content but this one seems to be just the opposite. And once again, I did have quite a bit of fun trying to guess what the word was going to be at the end of each short.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Cockney Vs Zombies (Couldn't Understand A Word)

Score: 8 Out of 10

              Normally I like to go into a movie blind (meaning I do not watch any trailers or read up on the film at all) and just be surprised, but admittedly I saw the trailer for this movie and decided I had to see it. "Cockneys Vs Zombies (2012)" was directed by Mathias Hoene and stars Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadaway and Michelle Ryan. The film focuses on a small group of bank robbers and a connected group of nursing home residents who are trying to survive a zombie apocalypse in London. The film is fast paced and funny. The info-graphic/poster to the left should give you an idea of just how fast paced this movie was. But what immediately struck me about this movie was in fact the humor. Ever since "Shaun of the Dead (2004)" there have been quite a few comedic zombie films (some good, some not so good) so when I first heard about "Cockneys" I instinctively rolled my eyes, but the more I watched the film the more I found myself laughing out loud.

      The down side of this film is the special effects. They seem to range to really good and well thought out to bad and completely phoned in. Although, the acting (an jokes) in this movie is so good that even when the special effects did get bad I felt like I could excuse it. I have said many times before, special effects do not really make a movie, good story telling does, and that is what is at the heart of this film. Through out all of it I genuinely cared about what happened to the characters. The combination of humor and a good story are what really put this movie head and shoulders above most other comedic horror films. I might even put this in my top five favorite zombie films.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy