H.O.T.S. (Trashy AND Funny)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

           This is one of those movies where you invite some friends over, have a couple of beers, pop some popcorn and just laugh the night away. You and your friends, by the way, are not going to be laughing because the film itself is genuinely funny, but because of how ridiculously bad it is. "H.O.T.S. (1979)" was directed by Gerald Seth Sindell and stars Susan Kiger, Pamela Jean Bryant and Danny Bonaduce (I would love to make fun of him for being in this film, but who could blame him for wanting to costar with a bunch of Playboy Playmates). The plot is... well... Virtually nonexistent for one thing. It really seems like a group of girls start a sorority, get into to trouble with the dean for being too risque, then feud (for almost no reason) with another sorority. The feud, by the way, consists of pranks and a wet t-shirt contest and culminates in a (spoiler) game of strip football. So you have probably guessed by now that this is not a great movie, but to be honest, it was not meant to be a great movie. For your time and money it promises cheap laughs and lots and lots of boobies and to be fair it does deliver on both. The adult in me really wants to roll my eyes at this one but the teenager found it hilarious.

        It really is, however, how over the top bad this movie that made me enjoy it. All of the high jinks the girls get into play out so terribly and so ridiculously that I could not help but laugh at all of it. The girls have a sea lion as their mascot. So rather than have a guy in a sea lion mascot costume, there is a hand full of scenes with an actual sea lion. And that is the kind of shit that made me like this movie. It did not have good acting or a good script or even a real budget (I could imagine that most of it went to the actresses) but what this movie does have is, like it's main characters, heart and charm.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

The Iron Rose (Pleasantly Surprised)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          Most times when I watch a film by Jean Rollin I am left with two thoughts; 1) What in the actual fuck did I just see? And 2) This was a porno that he just edited into an actual movie, wasn't it? Honestly, this time, the latter did not occur to me and the first thought only occurred once or twice. "The Iron Rose (1973)" was directed by Jean Rollin and stars Francoise Pascal and Hugues Quester. The plot is about a man and a woman who meet up at a cemetery for some after hours love making and then realize that they are trapped inside and there fears are starting to get the best of them. Let me say here that this is actually one of Rollin's better films. It is dark, atmospheric and has a lot of shots that are just really pretty. There were a lot of moments where I caught myself thinking, 'Wow, that is a really beautiful shot.' On top of that, this film is also better acted than most of the other films I have seen from Rollin. Possibly related, this one of the few films I have seen from this guy that is not about vampires and did not begin life as a pornographic film. The film is actually a pretty good example of how to be erotic with out being trashy.

       Although, like I mentioned earlier, there were a couple of moments where I just did not know  what to make of what I was seeing. The picture to my right is a prime example. Like, is that Rollin's attempt at humor or is that supposed to be some sort of deep statement? Also, the film is not very well paced. There are at least a few moments in the film where I was just kind of waiting for something to happen or fighting the urge to look at my phone. Over all, "Rose" is not a bad movie, it has some flaws and some WTF moments, but trust me, I have seen much, much worse from Jean Rollin.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Loaded (A.K.A. Bloody Weekend)

Score: 1 Out Of 10

         Have you ever had to sit in a room with a group of people and one of them constantly acted like they were the smartest person in the world yet every one around them knew they were an idiot? That is exactly how I felt watching this movie. "Loaded (1994)" was directed by Anna Campion and stars Oliver Milburn, Dearbhla Molloy and Danny Cunningham. The plot is about a group of friends who drive out to a remote location to film a horror movie but things take a turn for the worst when they drop acid. This is another one of those "horror within a horror" movies that was so popular in the nineties. The problem here is that the movie itself seems worse than movie within it. If you had sat me down and showed me the film these kids were trying to make I probably would have had a better experience. One aspect of what makes this movie so bad is the story. The characters are completely erratic, even for people taking hallucinogenic drugs. It is difficult to get a sense of who someone is when there character seems to change every couple of scenes.

        The next problem is the one I hinted at right at the beginning of this blog. I did not think it was possible for a movie to be pretentious but I stand corrected. Watching it, I almost got the sense that the film itself was looking down its nose at me. What this really means is that the filmmakers attempted to make an art film with out having any sense of artistic film making. This is a problem I have encountered before but this is the absolute worst. Do not, by any means watch this movie. If someone gives you a copy, consider it a personal insult.

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Beginning of the End (The Cutest Invasion Ever...)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

          I know I am going to be in the minority for saying this, and I never noticed this until I watched this movie, but grasshoppers are fucking adorable! I mean the poster to the left makes them look all kinds of menacing but once I saw them my heart just melted. "Beginning Of The End (1957)" was directed by Bert I. Gordon and stars Peter Graves, Peggie Castle and Morris Ankrum. The movie is about giant grasshoppers attacking Chicago. That's it. This movie is what people call "good bad." It was made in the 1950's when giant monster movies (especially giant bug movies) were all the rage and people were worried about atomic warfare (yes, that does come up in this film). The problem primarily is that the bulk of the action occurs off screen. A lot of early horror and sci-fi films used this technique but they used it to build suspense so when you did finally see the monster it was a real shock. Unfortunately (even by 1950's standards) the special effects are pretty bad so the big reveal just felt more silly than anything.

          The acting is pretty lame (obviously) and highlighted by the special effects not meshing well with the actors. Soldiers firing their guns in the opposite direction as the grasshoppers is just one of many shots where the film seems more like a comedy than a horror film (it was featured in an episode of MST3K, by the way). But despite all the bad acting, writing, special effects, directing and cinematography, there is just something lovable about this movie. Maybe it is just my own love for giant monster movies or maybe it is that I all of a sudden find myself thinking grass hoppers are really cute. Either way, I can honestly say that I enjoyed this movie and would actually watch it again.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Kiss of the Damned (A Vampire Film That Doesn't Suck!)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

           Whenever someone begins to tell me about what they describe as an "artistic" vampire film my eyes role (they did just now while i was typing that sentence). Memories of shitty Anne Rice films flash across my mind and I am annoyed with a film long before I even watch it. So you can imagine my mind set when a friend ranted to me about how good "Kiss of the Damned" is. "Kiss of the Damned (2013)" was directed by Xan Cassavetes and stars Josephine de la Baume, Milo Ventimiglia and Roxanne Mesquida. The story tells of a vampire woman that falls in love with a mortal man. She changes him into a vampire and they live blissfully until the woman's sister shows up and starts causing trouble for the whole vampire community. So let me just say that I was wrong. I judged this movie way too early and regret putting off watching it for so long because it did really turn out to be a goody. It was well acted, well written and well directed. The dialogue was very good as well. I really enjoyed the scene where a group of vampires sit around after a party and discuss vampire politics and their over all role in the world.

       The aspect of this film that I enjoyed the most was the story. The film does such a good job of building the characters and presenting them with a challenge that I genuinely cared about our vampire couple and really wanted them to have a happy ending. It is very rare for me to watch a movie about vampires and actually see them as anything more than just monster movie stereotypes. All in all, "Kiss" a good film made in the same vein as the 1960's European vampire films that I loved so much. There is blood, sex and cool imagery and a really cool story to tie it all together. It is definitely worth your time and money.

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Dracula's Widow (So Much Potential...)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

          I cannot at all make up my mind over whether or not I liked this movie. There was a lot to love but at the same time there was a lot to hate. It really seems like for every one thing I like about this movie there was at least one thing that left me groaning. "Dracula's Widow" was directed by Christopher Coppola and stars Sylvia Kristel, Josef Sommer and Lenny Von Dohlen. The story is that Dracula's Widow, Venessa, who is not convinced her husband is dead, is shipped to Hollywood as a wax figure. She then uses her vampy magic to seduce the wax museums owner and begins hatching a scheme to get back to Transylvania to find her husband. Now, before you make fun of the plot, let me say that the plot is one of the elements of this film that I really liked. Any thing involving Count Dracula should be a love story. As evil as the original vampire might be, his motivations in all the best Dracula stories and movies is that of a hopeless romantic. We may despise (or love, if your that kind of person) his methods, but love is what is at his core.

         So in all honesty, it is easy for me to buy in to the idea that Dracula would have married, then died and left behind a love sick widow. That being said, the writing is pretty good, but the delivery  is terrible. Specifically on the part of Sylvia Kristel. She is just so flat and almost monotone. Even in monster mode she comes across like she is just bored. In the same vein, the creature effects and other special effects (gore) are pretty well done, but you see too much of the effects and in way too much light, which is really a metaphor for the rest of the film. Good idea, just poor execution.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieGuy

Jailbait (Softcore Cash In...)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Before  get into this let me just give you a warning. If you are going to research a film with a provocative title (like "Jailbait") you should be very specific in your internet searches. I am pretty sure I am going to jail, now. "Jailbait (2013) was directed by Jared Cohn and stars Sara Malakul Lane, Erin O'Brien and Steve Hanks. The plot is about a young girl who murders her stepfather while he tries to rape her. Afterwards, she sent to a women's prison where she receives a crash course in violence, sexuality, drugs and mental illness. Because this movie likes to compare itself "Orange Is The New Black (2013)," so will I. "Orange" is a gritty and often funny television (internet?) show about a women who is incarcerated i the american prison system. It is poignant one moment and uplifting the next. It is overall a great show. "Jailbait" is a sleazy, exploitative piece of shit, much like the graphic novel was. It has no point to make and even the scenes that are clearly meant to inspire the audience are so poorly acted and poorly shot that they just fall flat.

     The interesting thing to me is that this is not the first women's prison film I have seen. I have in the past watched a lot of these movies and some of them have been really good. So why is this one bad? Because even if those films in the past there was a strong female lead. there was a woman  who was tough and angry and not willing to accept her circumstances that the audience can get behind and root for. In the case of "JailBait," (heh, heh... pun) the main character is week and spends ninety percent of the movie just playing the victim card and not doing anything to take care of herself (performing oral sex on the warden does not count. She was taking care of him...). That is why the movie fails... also because of bad acting, writing, directing and source material. Sorry, but this film is definately  not "in the vein of "Orange Is The New Black."

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieGuy