Nude Nuns With Big Guns (Not As Cool As You Would Think)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

                 I honestly have nothing nice to say about this movie. The only reason it even scored a three out of ten is because I did not feel this film was as bad as some other films I have reviewed. "Nude Nuns" was written and directed by Joseph Guzman and it stars Asun Ortega, David Castro and Perry D'Marco. From beginning to end it was nothing more than a pure shitfest. To be fair the film did have it's share of nude nuns and some pretty big guns, but beyond that it offers very little. The plot is as basic as can be (a nun kills people because god wants her to get revenge for a slaughtered convent), the dialogue is terrible, the acting is all over the place (as soon as somebody starts to give a good performance they immediately do something to ruin it) and the movie as a whole is largely ripped off from almost every film ever mad by Robert Rodriguez.

         I'm not kidding. The worst is during the opening credits. I am ninety nine percent sure that was theme from "Planet Terror" playing. It is almost as if some studio bought a script and could not get Rodriguez to direct so they got Guzman (who by the way also directed "Run! Bitch, Run!"). In short I can not recommend you watch this film unless you are very drunk or need something to just make you feel angry for having wasted your time. You should be ashamed, Mr. Guzman.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #nudenuns   #BMovieblog   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu (Comedic Horror)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

            I guess I am just rolling on the Lovecraft train lately. I was reading from the Necronomicon (this word should be familiar to any Sam Raimi fans out there) and got bored and decided to watch a movie. That is when I stumbled across "The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu." Our film is about a couple of slackers who are contacted by an ancient society and informed that one of them is the last living relative of famed horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. Then they are told that all the stories are real and are given a relic to protect. They then embark on a quest to find the the legendary Captain Olaf (keep an eye out for a reference to D.C. Comics) and divert the end of the world a la the return of Cthulhu. The movie was Directed by Henry Saine and stars Kyle Davis, Devin McGinn (who also wrote the film) and Matt Bauer. I must say that this film was pretty entertaining through out.

            The film as a whole was not short on humor. Through out the one hour and eighteen minutes it played I was laughing pretty consistently. I am also pretty impressed with the special effects and the creature costume. The lesson would be filmmakers can definitely take away from this film is that you should not have to heavily rely on C.G.I.. Your film could look just as good with paint, latex and a trip or two to the local butcher's shop. That being said, there was a tiny bit of gore here but not enough to really gross anyone out (unless you are particularly squeamish). So over all I say job well done. This film featured clever writing, lots of action and some cool effects. I am pleasantly surprised considering I thought I would hate it.

Love,

  The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy  #bmovieblog  #thelastlovecraft

Facebook: The B-Movie Guy

P.S.

If anybody is geeky enough to make a mask out of pic number two, please send me a pic!

The Call Of Cthulhu (An All New Silent Movie!)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

     
          I have always had a fondness for silent films. They have a certain charm that seems to have been lost when the "talkies" started to get released. I can not quite put my finger on it. Maybe it is the way the actors always seem to be over acting, or how the horror and science fiction films of that era all seem to share in a very surreal style (ex: "The Cabinet Of Doctor Caligari" and "A Trip To The Moon"). So you can imagine how I was immediately attracted to a film advertised as a "new silent film." Released in 2005, "The Call Of Cthulhu" was directed by Andrew Leman and stars Matt Foyer, John Bolen and Ralph Lucas. The plot of the film is as follows: A man comes across the research carried out by his late grandfather regarding the "Cult Of Cthulhu (when the next census comes around I am going to list that as my religion)" and he himself becomes drawn into the mystery.

            "Call" is a short but sweet movie. It only runs for about forty five minutes and all the acting is particularly good... well, when I say good, I mean they a good job of completely over acting. As previously stated, that fits right into the film's overall style. There is no real violence in the film. The only blood I remember seeing is sitting to the left of this paragraph and because of the "silent" style there is also no nudity. But who cares? This was still a pretty entertaining film! There were however a couple things that bothered me. If you watch carefully you can see little bits of modern technology slip into frame. On top of that, The visual effects and camera work felt more akin to the "talkies" that came in the two decades after silent films. Despite this, though, I still thoroughly enjoyed the full forty five minutes of this film. That in and of itself makes it worthy of an eight out of ten rating.

Love,

      The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy #Bmovieblog #Thecallofcthulhu

Facebook: B-Movie Guy

Non Si Sevizia Un Paperino (Don't Torture A Duckling)

Score: 9 Out Of 10

                Every so often I get a movie that hits me in a very emotional way. Maybe it is because I recently became a father for the first time, or because there seems to be so many stories in the news lately that this film reminds me of. I think what is most surprising is that it was directed (and co-written) by lucio fulci. I am not used to fulci films soliciting this kind of response from me. Normally I just get a cheep thrill out of all the over the top violence and the over abundance of nudity. The plot of "Non Si Sevizia Un Paperino" ( or "Don't Torture A Duckling" as it was released in America) focuses on a series of child murders and the people investigating and suspected of these murders. The story is emotional, disturbing, angering and at times almost a tear jerker (once again this could just be the parent in me talking). The film stars Florinda Bolkan, Barbara Bouchet and Tomas Milian. All of the actors gave pretty good performances. There were a couple of moments where the acting seemed to go down in quality a bit, but over all these moments were quickly forgotten.

          I think what surprised me the most was the social commentary found in this film. fulci and crew are not just taking shots at law enforcement but also the public and the media for their knee jerk style reactions to violent crimes. In addition they also manage to make some statements about the catholic church (if you are heavy into Catholicism you might want to avoid this one). I can honestly say I do not think I have encountered another fulci film with this much to say about society. If I have, I probably did not notice because of his usual level of violence (he was once quoted as saying "Violence is Italian art!"). Speaking of violence, I will not try to tell you that this film was devoid of violence, but I did notice far less than the average fulci film (ex: he has two films on England's notorious "Video Nasties" list). In closing, I am absolutely in love with this film. It just might replace "Zombie" (or "Zombie 2" for you purists out there) as my favorite fulci film.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #bomvieblog   #donttorturetheduckling

Going To Pieces: The Rise And Fall Of the Slasher Film (Another Documentary)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

           This past week a reader gave me a DVD to watch. It turned out to be a documentary about slasher films and being one who almost never turns down a slasher film (regardless if it is good or bad), I decided I would not mind watching a movie about slasher films. "Going To Pieces: The Rise And Fall Of The Slasher Film" was made in 2006 (it was based on the book of the same title published in 2002) and features interviews with Tom Savini, Wes Craven, Rob Zombie, Debra Hill, John Carpenter and Betsy Palmer (believe it or not, she did make a pretty good contribution to the genre). For the most part, this was a pretty good flick. It was entertaining, insightful and because I watched it on  DVD they got to show all the gore and nudity that made a lot of us fall in love with these movies when we were kids (you know, back before we knew anything about plot... or good dialogue... or good acting). The downside of this is I had to relive the final scene of "Sleepaway Camp," which was exactly as disturbing as I remember it. Someone in the film (I do not remember who) also pointed out that "The Crying Game" might have ripped that movie off. I will not debate that here (they did).

         So not bad for a documentary. The only gripe I could really come up with for this film was if you are a huge fan of slasher films or a horror movie buff, you are really not going to get anything out of this movie. It has it's moments where you might go, "Oh, I didn't know that," or "So that's how they did that," but even those moments are not terribly exciting. The film does touch on the protests that coincided with the release of certain horror films and parents outrage over other films, but even here the film does little to give a fresh opinion or some thoughts that all of us haven't had at one point or another. The final statement: If you are new to the genre and want to catch up, this just might be your movie. If you are a fan and looking for some deep thoughts on horror movies from the late 70's to the mid 80's, you might want to pass.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy     #BMovieblog   #Goingtopieces

Hexen Bis Aufs Blut Gequält (Mark Of The Devil)

Score: 6 Out Of 10 

           The picture to the left proclaims this to be "the most horrifying film ever made," and that might have been true in 1970, but by todays standards, I think it is actually pretty tame. Some people get burned alive, a few people get caned or whipped and one poor girl gets her tongue yanked out. Most amusing of all the torture was a guy being forced to sit in a large wooden chair while a fire is lit underneath him. The film takes place during the sixteenth century in germany and focuses on the real life early European wich hunts. I do not know how much of the film is accurate or how much of it is exagerated (I am willing to bet quite a bit is exaggerated), but over all the story is pretty good. The story focuses on the church using religion and fear to steal peoples land and possessions and rape and torture big brested women. One of the people working for the church begins to suspect wrong doings and starts to rebell.

          "Mark Of The Devil" was directed by Michael Armstrong and stars Herbert Lom, Udo Kier and Olivera Katarina. The acting here is pretty solid, especially on the part of Kier (but when does Udo Kier ever putting up a bad performance? Answer: NEVER!). I am used to seeing movies where you have the worst actors and actresses and Kier just

giving stellar performances, but this was not the case with this film. Everybody shows off some pretty good acting chops. The main problems with this film were not so great dialogue and the lack of real gore. Admittedly I am pretty decensitized but I do not believe that the average film fan is that much less decesnsitized than I. Most of the violence is mainly just blood splatter. A few people are dissmembered but the camera cuts away before you really see anything. A couple people get burned alive, but it just looks like dummies being tossed on fires.

                     On the positive side, it did keep me somewhat enter tained for about ninety minutes, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much. I should also mention that there were some rapes in there too. In fact, in hindsight I guess this could almost be considered an exploitaion film.

Love,
          The B-Movie Guy


Twitter: @BMovieguy   #BMovieblog   #Markofthedevil

Bloody Birthday (Way Cooler Than My Parties Ever Were)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

       In 1974, "Black Christmas" was released. Most horror fans are in agreeance that this is the film that started the "slasher" sub-genre of horror films (although I swear I've seen films that date as far back as the early 1930's that share in the same formula as "Black Christmas", this is just the first to experience any kind of popularity) and since it's release there have have been countless other films added to that sub-genre. Over the years I have seen horror movie psychos (both human and supernatural) mow down a seemingly endless parade of naked and semi-clothed teenagers. But I have to admit, I think this one actually showed me something new. The ruthless killer that beats, strangles and shoots it's victims to death is really just three young kids (they look to be about 11 or 12). The film stars Lori Lethin, Melinda Cordell and Julie Brown. It was written and directed by Ed Hunt.

       The plot is simple enough. Three kids who share the same birthday decide to celebrate it by killing their teachers, classmates and parents and seem to really have fun with it all the way through the movie. This movie, despite the fact that it's antagonists are children, still delivers on all the nudity and violence we've come to expect from 1980's slasher films over the years, so if sex and violence is your thing don't rule this movie out. The writing isn't bad, it could have been better, but what really sells you here is the acting. It was very easy for me to buy into really hating these kids, which in hind sight makes me sad because I really like kids. All in all, I'm gonna say this was a really entertaining film. There were some unintentional laughs but over all it was pretty good.

Love,
  The B-movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog   #Bloodybirthday

P.s.
I hope my kid doesn't turn out like this.