Kiss of the Damned (A Vampire Film That Doesn't Suck!)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

           Whenever someone begins to tell me about what they describe as an "artistic" vampire film my eyes role (they did just now while i was typing that sentence). Memories of shitty Anne Rice films flash across my mind and I am annoyed with a film long before I even watch it. So you can imagine my mind set when a friend ranted to me about how good "Kiss of the Damned" is. "Kiss of the Damned (2013)" was directed by Xan Cassavetes and stars Josephine de la Baume, Milo Ventimiglia and Roxanne Mesquida. The story tells of a vampire woman that falls in love with a mortal man. She changes him into a vampire and they live blissfully until the woman's sister shows up and starts causing trouble for the whole vampire community. So let me just say that I was wrong. I judged this movie way too early and regret putting off watching it for so long because it did really turn out to be a goody. It was well acted, well written and well directed. The dialogue was very good as well. I really enjoyed the scene where a group of vampires sit around after a party and discuss vampire politics and their over all role in the world.

       The aspect of this film that I enjoyed the most was the story. The film does such a good job of building the characters and presenting them with a challenge that I genuinely cared about our vampire couple and really wanted them to have a happy ending. It is very rare for me to watch a movie about vampires and actually see them as anything more than just monster movie stereotypes. All in all, "Kiss" a good film made in the same vein as the 1960's European vampire films that I loved so much. There is blood, sex and cool imagery and a really cool story to tie it all together. It is definitely worth your time and money.

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Dracula's Widow (So Much Potential...)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

          I cannot at all make up my mind over whether or not I liked this movie. There was a lot to love but at the same time there was a lot to hate. It really seems like for every one thing I like about this movie there was at least one thing that left me groaning. "Dracula's Widow" was directed by Christopher Coppola and stars Sylvia Kristel, Josef Sommer and Lenny Von Dohlen. The story is that Dracula's Widow, Venessa, who is not convinced her husband is dead, is shipped to Hollywood as a wax figure. She then uses her vampy magic to seduce the wax museums owner and begins hatching a scheme to get back to Transylvania to find her husband. Now, before you make fun of the plot, let me say that the plot is one of the elements of this film that I really liked. Any thing involving Count Dracula should be a love story. As evil as the original vampire might be, his motivations in all the best Dracula stories and movies is that of a hopeless romantic. We may despise (or love, if your that kind of person) his methods, but love is what is at his core.

         So in all honesty, it is easy for me to buy in to the idea that Dracula would have married, then died and left behind a love sick widow. That being said, the writing is pretty good, but the delivery  is terrible. Specifically on the part of Sylvia Kristel. She is just so flat and almost monotone. Even in monster mode she comes across like she is just bored. In the same vein, the creature effects and other special effects (gore) are pretty well done, but you see too much of the effects and in way too much light, which is really a metaphor for the rest of the film. Good idea, just poor execution.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieGuy

Jailbait (Softcore Cash In...)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Before  get into this let me just give you a warning. If you are going to research a film with a provocative title (like "Jailbait") you should be very specific in your internet searches. I am pretty sure I am going to jail, now. "Jailbait (2013) was directed by Jared Cohn and stars Sara Malakul Lane, Erin O'Brien and Steve Hanks. The plot is about a young girl who murders her stepfather while he tries to rape her. Afterwards, she sent to a women's prison where she receives a crash course in violence, sexuality, drugs and mental illness. Because this movie likes to compare itself "Orange Is The New Black (2013)," so will I. "Orange" is a gritty and often funny television (internet?) show about a women who is incarcerated i the american prison system. It is poignant one moment and uplifting the next. It is overall a great show. "Jailbait" is a sleazy, exploitative piece of shit, much like the graphic novel was. It has no point to make and even the scenes that are clearly meant to inspire the audience are so poorly acted and poorly shot that they just fall flat.

     The interesting thing to me is that this is not the first women's prison film I have seen. I have in the past watched a lot of these movies and some of them have been really good. So why is this one bad? Because even if those films in the past there was a strong female lead. there was a woman  who was tough and angry and not willing to accept her circumstances that the audience can get behind and root for. In the case of "JailBait," (heh, heh... pun) the main character is week and spends ninety percent of the movie just playing the victim card and not doing anything to take care of herself (performing oral sex on the warden does not count. She was taking care of him...). That is why the movie fails... also because of bad acting, writing, directing and source material. Sorry, but this film is definately  not "in the vein of "Orange Is The New Black."

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieGuy

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (40 Years Later...)

Score: 9 Out Of 10

               This October will mark the fortieth anniversary of the "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre's" theatrical release and in the past forty years a lot has been said about this film. So what I did was sat down and watched this film again. I tried my best to forget about the stigma that surrounds this movie. I tried not to think about the two people I know who saw this movie in theaters when it was released and still can not bring themselves to watch it a second time and the friend I had in high school who bought in to the "based on a true story" element so much he once confided in me that he believes Leatherface "is still out there." This time I just sat down and watched a movie and took it for what it was, ONE OF THE CREEPIEST FUCKING THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN!! "Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)" was directed by Tobe Hooper (who I believe never got the credit he deserved for directing "Poltergeist (1982)," by the way) and stars Marylin Burns, Edwin Neal and Gunnar Hansen. The plot is about group of teenagers who are terrorized by a family of grave robbing cannibals. If that plot sounds familiar it is because it has been redone a hundred times over in a hundred different movies.

       When compared to horror/suspense films that are being released today there is not a whole lot of what would appeal to the younger generations. There is hardly any blood actually shown, there is very little profanity and there is absolutely no nudity or reference to sexuality and regardless if we consider that a good thing or not, these elements shown to excess is what seems to appeal most to the younger generation of horror fans. But what this film does have going for it is an unbelievable atmosphere. This film is the very definition of gritty. Like I stated earlier, it is incredibly creepy and contains not one but three of the most tense and uncomfortable scenes I have ever viewed and that is what makes this film great. This is the perfect example of how to make a horror movie with no budget and no special effects.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Female Vampire (Sweet Jesus...)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

      The first three minutes of this film had me laughing so hard I nearly choked to death. The film opens up with our main character walking in a foggy forest clad in only a cloak and a belt. We see a series of awkward close-ups of her. Then, and I swear I am not kidding, the actress actually walks into the camera. You can actually see her chin bump the camera lens. And that is what kind of shit-fest you are in for with this one. "Female Vampire (1973)" was written and directed By Jesus Franco (that should give you an idea of where this movie is going) and stars Lina Romay, Jack Taylor and Alice Arno. The plot is a sexy female vampire seduces men then kills them. Yup. That is it. If you have a hard time finding this movie, by the way, it is because the film has been re-released so many times under so many different titles, with it's director using so many different names that I could hardly do any research for this article.

        So, how bad does this movie suck? Normally I can forgive a lot of problems with a movie as long as there is a good story behind it all, or at least a good message. This, on the other hand, is a porno that was cut down so it could be sold to broader market. Judging by the quality of the version I saw, I am going to guess that even as by porn standards this movie is pretty terrible. There is no story and no character development. The "action" is boring, the acting is laughable and the directing is worse than any movie directed Ed Wood. At least when Wood mad a movie you could tell he at least cared about what he was doing. This movie was not even worth the time I spent watching it.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

P.S.
The Following is a list of titles this film was released under; Bare Breasted Countess, Erotic Kill, Insatiable Lust, Loves Of Irina, The Last Thrill, Black Countess and Sicarius-The Midnight Party,

Sacred Flesh (Erotic Horror Or Pandering Bullshit?)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         When I was a kid, the nuns I saw were bitter old ladies who could be described as anything but sexy. Yet, I keep meeting people from various walks of life who seem to have an attraction to these women. I do not understand it myself but the filmmakers here obviously seem to. (Sacred Flesh (2000) was written and directed by Nigel Wingrove and stars Sally Tremaine, Monya Cope and Simon Hill. What little plot there is focuses on a nun who receives sexual and violent visions from all the other nuns in her convent. She soon decides to take it upon herself to "cleanse" the other nuns. This film has very few (if any) redeeming qualities. But lets face it, if you are willing to invest your time and (hopefully not) money to watch this movie than you are probably not going to care very much about the quality of the plot, directing, special effects, writing and acting (for the record, the sets in this movie did look really cool). There is, however, a lot of sexually explicit scenes. The question for me is; Is it possible to mix eroticism with horror and still produce a good movie?

       I believe the answer is yes. Films like Antichrist (2009) and (believe it or not) "Strip Nude For Your Killer (1975)" do a wonderful job of mixing eroticism and horror. The key to it is to still tell a good story and convey a compelling message. That is what makes any movie good. Most flaws in a film could be overlooked as long as the audience is kept engaged in the story, just so long as you do not have too many flaws. But this movie fails because there is little to no story at all. On top of that, the dialogue suggests that there is some kind of deeper meaning behind all of it, but even that gets lost in all the explicit material. Honestly, if you are that into nuns, just get yourself a good antivirus program and search any porn site for nuns. Stop kidding yourself... pervert.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Bad Milo (Such a Piece Of Sh...)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          I feel like I have all ready made all the shit jokes I want to make right in the title of this blog, so from here on I am going to try not to make any more. I am not promising anything. "Bad Milo (2013) was directed by Jacob Vaughan and stars Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs and Patrick Warburton (Puddy from "Seinfeld"). The movie is about a man who has extremely painful bowel movements that are caused by stress. Then we learn that the pain is actually a demon that has been growing inside of him and after one particularly stressful day the demon actually makes it out of his ass hole and begins killing the people who cause the man stress. I cannot believe I actually just typed that shit out. And made a shit pun. God damn it. This movie is exactly what you expect it to be. Campy violence, lame puns and a handful of 'what the fuck' moments. What you probably would not expect is that this movie is surprisingly well acted and actually scores some pretty good laughs. The down side is that the story is kind of lame and the movie overall just feels kind of predictable.

         The essence of good horror (and comedy) is never knowing what to expect. If I can predict almost everything that happens right before it happens than it just lessons the blow. Instead of jumping, I am reaching for another handful of popcorn. Instead of laughing, I am just rolling my eyes. That is where this movie fails. It is not funny enough or scary enough for me to take it seriously one way or the other. It is like the movie is just stuck in 'shit limbo'. Gross...

Love,

   B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy