The Wickeds (Zombies Done Wrong)

 Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Oh my god, this movie was so terrible that I actually feel like a terrible person because I watched it. "The Wickeds (2005)" was directed by John Poague and stars Ron Jeremy (Yes, that Ron Jeremy), Justin Alvarez and Anna Bridgforth. The movie tells the story of two idiot grave robbers who accidentally raise a bunch of zombies (and a vampire, because, why not?) and then hide in an abandoned farm house with some teenagers who are trying to have a half-assed Halloween party. I am pretty used to watching bad movies but this one is not even "funny bad." It is just "sad bad." It falls victim to every zombie/vampire movie cliche and that is just the tip of the iceberg. The zombies are so bad that at one point a zombie bride starts to loose her veil and actually stops to adjust it. But even the acting of the survivors is terrible. I was particularly bothered by one guy who kept talking like Bill from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)." Because the acting is this bad, the irrational decisions that characters make just seem so much more obvious. 

    Now lets talk about Ron Jeremy. Ron is not a bad actor. He appears in some Troma films and even some big budget Hollywood productions and turns in some pretty good performances. So what happened here? It almost seems as if he was not even trying. I am willing to believe after watching the movie that he just showed up and said "Where's my check?" I have seen a couple of his porn movies from back in the seventies and he even acted (much) better in those. To summarize, I can not recommend this movie to anyone. Not even people I dislike. I just hope that this does not ruin your opinion of Ron Jeremy. He really is a pretty good actor.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Little Witches (Softcore Horror)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

         In today's society, sex sells, and this movie is the exception that proves the rule. I have said time and time again that it does not matter how much sex and violence is in a movie, if the story is not there, then it is still garbage. "Little Witches (1996)" was directed by Jane Simpson and stars Mimi Rose (Who is credited as Mimi Reichmeister), Sheeri Rappaport and Jack Nance (the guy from Eraserhead... which was much better). The story is that a bunch of girls get rapped up in the occult and spooky things start happening. Yup. That's it. This film is an obvious attempt to cash in on the popularity of "The Craft," which was released the same year, but in my opinion, both films are pretty terrible (at least "Little Witches" is less offensive to people who practice alternative religions). The over all quality of the film is pretty bad. Some of the acting is there but most of it is pretty lame. Even the demon you see briefly at the end of the movie seemed like he was phoning it in. The dialogue kind of sucks and there is seemingly only one sensible person in the whole film. I know it is a B-movie, but is it to much to ask to get at least one character that kind of behaves like real a person?

        My main complaint about this film is the nudity. Normally I like nudity in movies, but honestly, it felt like it was just there to sell a movie that had no real substance. At least two nude scenes featured here had no context whatsoever. After each scene I just thought, "Why did they just show me that?" This is what happens when you rush to make a movie (it was shot in two weeks) simply to cash in on the popularity of another film. You just get garbage. I would rather see someone take that time and money and produce a film that tells a story the filmmaker feels really passionate about. Even if there was no nudity. Well... Maybe a little nudity... 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Moon Of The Wolf (Made for TV goodness)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

       I know what you're thinking. It is a made-for-TV-movie, there is no way this one could be any good. There is no real violence, no profanity and no nudity. What could possibly be good about it? What makes this movie shine is a cast that turns in some pretty solid performances (even if the dialogue isn't quite there) and a story that forty plus years later still manages to draw you in. "Moon of the Wolf (1972)" was directed by Daniel Petrie and stars David Janssen (the guy from "The Fugitive..." No, the TV show), Barbara Rush and Bradford Dillman. I am a pretty big fan of werewolf movies and honestly finding good werewolf movies is kind of a challenge. Thankfully this movie did not let me down. What makes this movie good is actually what made horror movies from the nineteen thirties, forties and fifties good and that is above average acting, story and editing (although if you watch it on Netflix you'll see on screen cues that say "Place commercials  here").

There is one technique used in this film, however, that I both loved and hated. You do not see the actual werewolf until the last thirty minutes or so. The whole movie you are left anticipating the unveiling of the monster and in a way it really adds to the suspense of the film. The problem is that when you see the monster it is a let down. I get that it is a TV movie, but could they not get a little more budget to at least make the monster believable? This just looks like a hairy guy with long nails and a black smudge on his nose. If you are willing  to ignore a cheesy monster and some noticeable errors then this movie really is not that bad. I have seen some really terrible TV movies in my time and this one is actually pretty good by comparison. 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Lady Frankenstein (La Figlia Di Frankenstein)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

          I am a huge fan of "Frankenstein (1931)," and because I love that movie so much I have found myself, over the years, drawn to movies with "Frankenstein" in the title. These movies are pretty much hit or miss. "Frankenstein Vs. The Space Monster (1965)" was a miss. Fortunately, "Lady Frankenstein (1971)" is much more of a hit. The film was directed by Mel Welles and Aureliano Luppi and it stars Joseph Cotten, Rosalba Neri and Paul Muller. The film tells the story of Doctor Frankenstein building and then being murdered by the creature. His daughter then decides to continue on with his work but her motives are much more dark (and sexy in a weird kind of way) than her father's were. The immediate turn off here for most viewers I think will be the over all quality of the film. Even when converted to high definition the picture is still pretty grainy and has plenty of imperfections (although there are quite a few people who dig that kind of look in a film) and even for it's time the film had a pretty low budget. The budgetary constraints show mostly in the special effects the department (the creature looks a little too much like the Toxic Avenger).

       What this film does have going for it, however, is the acting and writing. Granted it is not academy award winning and there are a couple of scenes that are almost laughable, but for the most part you get solid dialogue and some pretty good performances. Another thing I would like to touch on is that this film has been used as an example of pro-feminism with in the horror and science fiction genres quite a bit over the years. The film features a very strong and very intelligent (she is a surgeon after all) female main character who manipulates the male characters in the film to achieve her goals. This actually makes for a pretty interesting take on the Frankenstein mythology. Most of the other women in these films are hysterical and just down right dumb. If nothing else, this film will serve as a breathe of fresh air for Frankenstein fans.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Night Of The Living Dead (45 Years Later...)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

           There is not a lot to be said about this film that has not already been said. I could ramble on all day about shoestring budgets, social commentary, nudity showing up in a film from the 60's and all the other talking points behind this movie. But in the forty five years since it's release, we have talked all those points to death (pun). Instead I am going to do what so many books, magazines, podcasts, blogs and documentaries fail to do when discussing this film; I am going to write an honest review. "Night Of The Living Dead (1968)" was directed by George A. Romero and it stars Duane Jones, Judith O'Dea and Karl Hardman. The plot revolves around a group of people who board themselves up in an old farm house in attempt to escape the living dead, but turmoil with in the group soon threatens their survival. I will begin by saying that this is a very good film. It is dark, it is atmospheric and at times it is very psychological. The cast and crew make very good use of the limited special effects and director, George A. Romero, really made good use of people from around the town he was filming in to play zombies rather than employing additional actors.

         Most people while watching a horror film at one point or another imagine themselves in the same position as the protagonists. While watching this  film, it is almost impossible to not think about what you would do if you were trapped in that farmhouse. That is the strong point of this film. All of the characters act just as you would expect people to act in real life. One character is strong and resourceful, one character is completely traumatized and another is too headstrong for his own good. The actors and actresses in this film do an incredible job of making the characters seem real. The film does have it's faults, though. The pacing could be better. There are a couple of moments where everything just seems to drag and there are a couple of scenes that really left me rolling my eyes when I first saw this movie. Despite the negative points, this seminal zombie flick really does deliver and I must admit, every time it is on, I have to stop and watch it (I also have three different DVD copies in my collection).

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Amazons And Gladiators (100% Crap-Fest)

Score: 2 Out Of 10.

 

          Let me begin by stating that I am very impressed that the ancient Romans were able to invent (and apparently perfect) breast augmentation surgery. That the statement should let you know just how historically accurate this movie was (in case you're still wondering, it wasn't). "Amazons and Gladiators (2001)" was directed by Zachary Weintraub (the genius who also brought us "Diva Detectives (2003)") and stars Patrick Bergin, Jennifer Rubin and Richard Norton. The plot follows the plight of a dancing slave girls who, with a little help, escapes her captors, becomes an amazon and returns to fight her former captors in arena style combat. The arena style combat, by the way, takes place in the Roman Colosseum (Amphitheatrum Flavium)... about fifty years or so before it was actually constructed. It also manages to depict the death of Crassius, who in reality was named Crassus and was actually killed by the Parthians, not amazons. But historical inaccuracies should not stand in the way of a good movie, right? Well that would be the case if this was a good movie.

 

 

       Unfortunately this movie fails on almost every single level. The acting is just straight up terrible and the fight seems only make the poor acting even more noticeable. The dialogue is just atrocious. People just do not talk like that, not in ancient Rome and certainly not now. It is almost enough to make me believe that the writer of this film (who was also the director) has never actually interacted with another human being and therefore has no idea how people talk to each other. Another complaint I have is the wardrobes. I feel like I could have come up with the same costumes just by spending about a hundred dollars at the nearest costume store. I have given decent scores to other films that had just as many problems because the people who mad those films appeared to really be trying to make a good movie and that is what bothers me most about this movies. It really seems as if the people involved in making it were not even trying and that is really what hurts the most.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.
 

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Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers (Older Than Old School)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

         It is no secret that "Flash Gordon (1980)" is one of my favorite movies (I even have Queen's "Battle Theme" as my ring tone) so when I got a chance to sit down and watch the 1936 "Space Soldiers" serial I was pretty excited. "Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers" was directed by Fredrick Stephani and Ray Taylor. It stars Buster Crabbe, Jean Rogers and Charles Middleton. The plot plays out over thirteen episodes and the gist of it is that a planet is about to crash into the Earth and our hero (Flash, as if I should have to tell you) is shot off into space with Dr. Zarkoff and his lady friend to save us all from impending doom (That really is the simplest explanation I can give). Right off the bat the audience is treated to action (and stock footage) that runs nonstop through out the entire thirteen episodes. Literally until the last few minutes of the final episode. Watching them, I honestly felt as if I was six years old again watching old science fiction shows on a Sunday morning (if only there was a Super Nintendo to turn on after I was finished watching).

        The problem with content like this is that it is very difficult to review. I (like many other fans) feel very nostalgic over things like this, so you have to take my "7 Out Of 10" score with a grain of salt. There is a lot to dislike here for most of the younger science fiction fans. The special effects are terrible (even for their time), the acting is hit or miss, the dialogue and writing are often laughable and the whole thing as a whole seems very silly. On the other hand, It is just so damn cool! I mean, all of it! There is rocket ships shooting at each other and Flash gets into fist fights with men, monsters and mutants alike at an almost constant pace. To add to the mix there is also giant monsters, cool costumes and all kinds of outrageous (and fun) characters. To sum it up, a lot of these old movie serials are lost on audiences today. They are held in the same regard, if not a lower regard, than "Sy Fy Channel Originals." But I promise, If you just throw on a couple of episodes and pop some popcorn and really let yourself get lost in Flash's world, than there really is a strong chance that you too will find a lot to love about these old science fiction movie serials.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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P.S.
To prove my point, instead of a trailer, I'm giving you the first two episodes in their entirety. Why? Because I love you.