Jailbait (Softcore Cash In...)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Before  get into this let me just give you a warning. If you are going to research a film with a provocative title (like "Jailbait") you should be very specific in your internet searches. I am pretty sure I am going to jail, now. "Jailbait (2013) was directed by Jared Cohn and stars Sara Malakul Lane, Erin O'Brien and Steve Hanks. The plot is about a young girl who murders her stepfather while he tries to rape her. Afterwards, she sent to a women's prison where she receives a crash course in violence, sexuality, drugs and mental illness. Because this movie likes to compare itself "Orange Is The New Black (2013)," so will I. "Orange" is a gritty and often funny television (internet?) show about a women who is incarcerated i the american prison system. It is poignant one moment and uplifting the next. It is overall a great show. "Jailbait" is a sleazy, exploitative piece of shit, much like the graphic novel was. It has no point to make and even the scenes that are clearly meant to inspire the audience are so poorly acted and poorly shot that they just fall flat.

     The interesting thing to me is that this is not the first women's prison film I have seen. I have in the past watched a lot of these movies and some of them have been really good. So why is this one bad? Because even if those films in the past there was a strong female lead. there was a woman  who was tough and angry and not willing to accept her circumstances that the audience can get behind and root for. In the case of "JailBait," (heh, heh... pun) the main character is week and spends ninety percent of the movie just playing the victim card and not doing anything to take care of herself (performing oral sex on the warden does not count. She was taking care of him...). That is why the movie fails... also because of bad acting, writing, directing and source material. Sorry, but this film is definately  not "in the vein of "Orange Is The New Black."

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieGuy

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (40 Years Later...)

Score: 9 Out Of 10

               This October will mark the fortieth anniversary of the "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre's" theatrical release and in the past forty years a lot has been said about this film. So what I did was sat down and watched this film again. I tried my best to forget about the stigma that surrounds this movie. I tried not to think about the two people I know who saw this movie in theaters when it was released and still can not bring themselves to watch it a second time and the friend I had in high school who bought in to the "based on a true story" element so much he once confided in me that he believes Leatherface "is still out there." This time I just sat down and watched a movie and took it for what it was, ONE OF THE CREEPIEST FUCKING THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN!! "Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)" was directed by Tobe Hooper (who I believe never got the credit he deserved for directing "Poltergeist (1982)," by the way) and stars Marylin Burns, Edwin Neal and Gunnar Hansen. The plot is about group of teenagers who are terrorized by a family of grave robbing cannibals. If that plot sounds familiar it is because it has been redone a hundred times over in a hundred different movies.

       When compared to horror/suspense films that are being released today there is not a whole lot of what would appeal to the younger generations. There is hardly any blood actually shown, there is very little profanity and there is absolutely no nudity or reference to sexuality and regardless if we consider that a good thing or not, these elements shown to excess is what seems to appeal most to the younger generation of horror fans. But what this film does have going for it is an unbelievable atmosphere. This film is the very definition of gritty. Like I stated earlier, it is incredibly creepy and contains not one but three of the most tense and uncomfortable scenes I have ever viewed and that is what makes this film great. This is the perfect example of how to make a horror movie with no budget and no special effects.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Female Vampire (Sweet Jesus...)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

      The first three minutes of this film had me laughing so hard I nearly choked to death. The film opens up with our main character walking in a foggy forest clad in only a cloak and a belt. We see a series of awkward close-ups of her. Then, and I swear I am not kidding, the actress actually walks into the camera. You can actually see her chin bump the camera lens. And that is what kind of shit-fest you are in for with this one. "Female Vampire (1973)" was written and directed By Jesus Franco (that should give you an idea of where this movie is going) and stars Lina Romay, Jack Taylor and Alice Arno. The plot is a sexy female vampire seduces men then kills them. Yup. That is it. If you have a hard time finding this movie, by the way, it is because the film has been re-released so many times under so many different titles, with it's director using so many different names that I could hardly do any research for this article.

        So, how bad does this movie suck? Normally I can forgive a lot of problems with a movie as long as there is a good story behind it all, or at least a good message. This, on the other hand, is a porno that was cut down so it could be sold to broader market. Judging by the quality of the version I saw, I am going to guess that even as by porn standards this movie is pretty terrible. There is no story and no character development. The "action" is boring, the acting is laughable and the directing is worse than any movie directed Ed Wood. At least when Wood mad a movie you could tell he at least cared about what he was doing. This movie was not even worth the time I spent watching it.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

P.S.
The Following is a list of titles this film was released under; Bare Breasted Countess, Erotic Kill, Insatiable Lust, Loves Of Irina, The Last Thrill, Black Countess and Sicarius-The Midnight Party,

Sacred Flesh (Erotic Horror Or Pandering Bullshit?)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         When I was a kid, the nuns I saw were bitter old ladies who could be described as anything but sexy. Yet, I keep meeting people from various walks of life who seem to have an attraction to these women. I do not understand it myself but the filmmakers here obviously seem to. (Sacred Flesh (2000) was written and directed by Nigel Wingrove and stars Sally Tremaine, Monya Cope and Simon Hill. What little plot there is focuses on a nun who receives sexual and violent visions from all the other nuns in her convent. She soon decides to take it upon herself to "cleanse" the other nuns. This film has very few (if any) redeeming qualities. But lets face it, if you are willing to invest your time and (hopefully not) money to watch this movie than you are probably not going to care very much about the quality of the plot, directing, special effects, writing and acting (for the record, the sets in this movie did look really cool). There is, however, a lot of sexually explicit scenes. The question for me is; Is it possible to mix eroticism with horror and still produce a good movie?

       I believe the answer is yes. Films like Antichrist (2009) and (believe it or not) "Strip Nude For Your Killer (1975)" do a wonderful job of mixing eroticism and horror. The key to it is to still tell a good story and convey a compelling message. That is what makes any movie good. Most flaws in a film could be overlooked as long as the audience is kept engaged in the story, just so long as you do not have too many flaws. But this movie fails because there is little to no story at all. On top of that, the dialogue suggests that there is some kind of deeper meaning behind all of it, but even that gets lost in all the explicit material. Honestly, if you are that into nuns, just get yourself a good antivirus program and search any porn site for nuns. Stop kidding yourself... pervert.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Bad Milo (Such a Piece Of Sh...)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          I feel like I have all ready made all the shit jokes I want to make right in the title of this blog, so from here on I am going to try not to make any more. I am not promising anything. "Bad Milo (2013) was directed by Jacob Vaughan and stars Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs and Patrick Warburton (Puddy from "Seinfeld"). The movie is about a man who has extremely painful bowel movements that are caused by stress. Then we learn that the pain is actually a demon that has been growing inside of him and after one particularly stressful day the demon actually makes it out of his ass hole and begins killing the people who cause the man stress. I cannot believe I actually just typed that shit out. And made a shit pun. God damn it. This movie is exactly what you expect it to be. Campy violence, lame puns and a handful of 'what the fuck' moments. What you probably would not expect is that this movie is surprisingly well acted and actually scores some pretty good laughs. The down side is that the story is kind of lame and the movie overall just feels kind of predictable.

         The essence of good horror (and comedy) is never knowing what to expect. If I can predict almost everything that happens right before it happens than it just lessons the blow. Instead of jumping, I am reaching for another handful of popcorn. Instead of laughing, I am just rolling my eyes. That is where this movie fails. It is not funny enough or scary enough for me to take it seriously one way or the other. It is like the movie is just stuck in 'shit limbo'. Gross...

Love,

   B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy  

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (Wrath in the form of Stupidity)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Have you ever been browsing a video on demand service (I would say browsing a video store, but honestly, who does that anymore) and saw a title that looked so stupid you felt you had to watch it just out of curiosity? That is exactly what happened to me. "Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan (2013)" was directed by Gary Jones and stars Joe Estevez (no, seriously), Dan Haggerty and Thomas Downey. The story is about some hunters who kill Bunyan's big blue ox causing him to go on a murderous rampage. That is pretty much it. What is wrong with this movie is exactly what is wrong with almost all movies directed by Gary Jones; The acting, writing, special effects and plot are complete garbage. I recommend you watch this movie with the mind set that it is a comedy because it completely fails as a horror movie. I started this blog with the intention of showing people that just because a film has a low budget and is poorly distributed does not mean it is a bad film. It is movie like this one, however, that undermine that point completely.

         What really bothered me about this movie is that they spent most of the film trying to convince the audience that Paul Bunyan is some unstoppable killing machine who will slaughter anyone who comes near him, then in the last ten minutes or so, go out of their way to make him look sympathetic. I understand that believable characters must have multiple layers to their personalities, but the film makers have taken a generic movie monster and turned him into a walking contradiction. Much worse is that they let him fall victim to so many horror movie monster cliches.  Sadly the only redeeming quality here is that the movie is only ninety minutes.

Love,

   The B-Movie guy

Facebook: B-Movie Guy   Twitter: @BMovieguy

A Fantastic Fear Of Everything (The Key Word Here Is Fantastic)

 Score: 8 Out Of 10

         I first heard about this film in a horror magazine maybe a year or so ago and thought, "It looks cool but I'll  probably never get around to watching it." So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when the movie was recommended for me on my Netflix account. "A Fantastic Fear Of Everything (2012)" was directed by Crispian Mills and Chris Hopewell and stars Simon Pegg, Paul Freeman and Amara Karan. The movie is about a writer working on a series of plays about nineteenth century serial killers and becomes paranoid that someone is actually trying to kill him. It is not long before that paranoia starts to combine itself with a couple of irrational fears that also happen to plague the main character. The plot plays out very well over an hour and forty minutes. There were absolutely no moments where I felt the story was too slow. In addition, Simon Pegg gives a pretty good performance as a struggling author named Jack. I have to wonder if Pegg was at all nervous about accepting this role. He has always been a pretty solid actor, but for about seventy percent of this film he is the only person on screen. As I was watching this I actually got the feeling like I was watching a one act play.

     
      This film was also truly funny. Due  to the success of "Shaun Of The Dead (2004)," I do not think anybody is questioning Pegg's ability to blend comedy and horror, but this film showcases the ability to do just that AND carry most of the film himself. I was belly laughing through large portions of this film (much to the annoyance of my wife) and actually rewound one scene and watched it again. In a weird kind of way, I also found my self identifying with the main character. I mean, who does not once in a while have this irrational fear of their own home and what might be lurking in the dark corners now and again. I am certainly not taking any of those occasional fears to such extremes but that is the fun of this movie (and many other dark comedies and horror movies),  is getting to watch someone else go over board.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy
Facebook: B-Movie Guy   Twitter: @BMovieguy