Starcrash (It's Time To Hassle The Hoff)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

        How could a movie with box art this cool be so unbelievably boring?! "Starcrash" was written and directed by Luigi Cozzi (Who was also one of the directors responsible for "Godzilla") and stars Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro and Christopher Plummer. The plot is about a scantly clad intergalactic smuggler and her alien best friend who are tasked with rescuing an emperors son and destroying a super weapon. Also I should mention that the imperial son in question is none other than David Hasselhoff (If I can be honest, his performance here is nowhere near as good as that movie I saw where he laid on the ground and drunkenly ate a cheeseburger). In my time I have seen plenty of movies with the name Roger Corman stamped on them and for better or worse they were at the very least interesting (this is the man responsible for "Little Shop Of Horrors" (1960), after all). This film, unfortunately, is the exception that proves the rule. The movie was so boring I spent the entirety of the film thinking of all the things I could be watching that would be more interesting.

   The following is my list of programming that would have been more interesting:

1) Pro Golf
2)C-SPAN
3)The Joy Of Painting
4)Antiques Road Show
5)French Art Films

   I guess the real stinger here is that in addition to being a dull film it is also little more than a blatant "Star Wars" rip-off. Let this be a lesson to you, taking a good film and replacing a large part of the cast with hot girls in bikinis while shooting with a fraction of the budget is never a good idea.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

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P.s.
   I made mention of this film ripping off "Star Wars," but wasn't "Star Wars" just ripping off "The Hidden Fortress (1958)?" Just saying.

Spiders 3D (Computer Generated Creepiness)

    Score: 2 Out Of 10.

              Normally, I am all over giant bug movies. I once sat in a theater and watched "Eight Legged Freaks (2002)" on a date and the girl I was with got so freaked out by the movie and apparently how amused by it I was that we never had a second date. But even that kinda-amusing-but-still-sucked movie was better than "Spiders 3D." "Spiders" was directed by Tibor Takacs (I still can't figure out how to use accents on Blogger). It stars William Hope, Shelly Varod and Jesse Steel.  The film is about a Russian space station inhabited by mutant spiders. A piece of the station breaks off after being hit by a comet and crashes into a New York city subway station where they begin to grow to monstrous size and run amok over the city. This movie, and I am in no way exaggerating, is the most boring movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

        No joke, this movie was so boring I actually started to dose off a little bit while writing the first paragraph. What is distressing about this is that movie is actually pretty well paced. I mean, there is well placed action through out but the problem is that even the action is just kind of boring. To add to the problem, both the characters and the plot are one hundred percent non-nonsensical. One character dies and the man who is supposed to be a close friend does not seem grief stricken at all. He just goes on doing his job. Also, all of the spiders in the film are computer generated. would it have killed them to make spider puppets and maybe some real spiders for the scenes before they start growing and use the CGI a bit more sparingly. You know, just to make things seem a little more real?

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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The ABC's Of Death (R Is For Repugnant)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

          A lot of people have been asking me about this film lately, and I have to admit, after I saw the trailer I was pretty excited to see it. If you are not familiar, the premise of the film is that twenty six directors were all assigned a letter of the alphabet then picked a word that begins with that letter and shot a death scene associated with that word. Example: "F" is for fart, so director, Noboru Iguchi, shot a scene where to girls fart each other to death. No, seriously. The directors themselves are from all over the world and the film  is in quite a few different languages, so most of the film is subtitled (apologies to those of you who hate reading). The shorts themselves range from "pretty good" to "What did I just see?" Therein lies the problem. Only a handful of the scenes fall into the "pretty good" column, a couple fall into the "what did I just see?" column, but most fall into the "boring" or "been done before" column. A couple of times I had to fight the urge to fast forward to the next letter in the film. There was one scene that actually disgusted me (and it takes a lot to disgust me), but I will not call this a good thing because that scene in particular involved pedophilia. 

          Normally, I like a good anthology film (as stated in my previous post), but this one was not good. The main problem is that twenty six death scenes all with there own separate little plots is just too much. If you just want to show us twenty six death scenes with no real back story, that is fine, but if you're trying to build a story with every scene then I need more time to learn about what is going on. Many of these shorts seemed like they would have been much better if they were just there own full length film. On the other hand (because each scene ends with a letter and a word) I did have fun trying to guess what word they were each shooting for.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy

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Scary Or Die (Kinda Creepy Or Die)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

          I am a pretty big fan of the anthology horror films that came out during the 1960's and 70's (ex: "Tales From the Crypt (1972), Twice Told Tales (1963) and Black Sabbath (1963)), so I was presently surprised to see a horror anthology film from 2012. Here is the kicker... IT DOESN'T SUCK! "Scary or Die" was directed by Bob Badway, Michael Emanuel and Igor Meglic. It stars Domiziano Arcangeli, Corbin Bleu and Shannon Bobo. Also keep a look out for Bill Oberst Jr., his appearance in this movie is much better than "Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies. Shorter, but Better. The film has five segments and all of them are pretty good. The first is a zombie tale that takes place on the Mexican/American border, the second is about a widow attempting to rescue a woman, third is the story about a murderer who is losing his mind after dismembering a corpse, fourth is the half creepy half silly story of a were-clown and finally the story of woman who returns from the grave to seek vengeance on her husband.

     So the nice thing about this style of film making is the pacing is always good. You do not really have time to get bored with it because the stories do not go on long enough to require any kind of filler. Another thing that struck me about this movie is most of the actors played their roles very well. There was not one performance that left me rolling my eyes. The stories themselves were also pretty strong and most of the movie was genuinely creepy, except the clown story. That was more silly than it was creepy. How it made it to be featured in the films advertising is beyond me. I mean, seriously, a were-clown? 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Pinocchio's Revenge (Not As Stupid As It Sounds)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

         It would be very easy to compare this film to other evil toy movies like "Puppet Master(1989)" or "Child's Play(1988),"  but to be honest, once I started watching the movie those other flicks did not cross my mind. Here is another shocker, this film is actually better than those movies. "Pinocchio's Revenge" was directed by Kevin Tenney (who also directed "Night of the Demons(1988)"). It stars Candice McKenzie, Rosalind Allen and Brittany Alyse Smith. Also, and I do not know why I am so amused by this, but, Vern Troyer as Pinocchio. The movie is about a defense attorney who brings home a piece of evidence (the puppet). Later her boyfriend mistakenly gives it to her daughter as a birthday present and it is not long before creepy things start happening. I know the plot sounds weak, but that is all I can really tell you with out giving away spoilers.

       So the movie has some pretty fun scenes, most of the death scenes are pretty good and there is a really good twist at the end of the movie. The surprising part is that this is actually a psychological thriller. It was not the silly campy horror film I expected and the ending did leave me thinking. Couple that with some pretty good performances, good directing and a solid script and the movie is a nice little surprise. The only thing that hurts this movie is the pacing. I spent too much time early on in the film wondering where it was going, but over all, I still enjoyed it. No, Really.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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