Bloody Murder (How Not To Pay Tribute)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

            I have a question. At what point does your movie stop paying homage to another film, or film series, and just start ripping it off. This question popped in to my mind while watching "Bloody Murder (2000)" and I honestly can not come up with an answer. "Bloody Murder" was directed by Ralph E. Portillo and stars Jessica Morris, Peter Guillemette and  and Patrick Cavanaugh. The movie is about a group of kids in their late teens who show up to work at a summer camp a couple of weeks before the children arrive, but it is not long before a psycho in a hockey mask starts killing them off. The first fifteen to twenty minutes of this film are a blatant rip off of the first few "Friday the 13th (1980-1982) " films. There is even a scene where a seemingly crazy old man warns the kids not to go up to the camp grounds. I mean, it is almost as if they are trying to trick you into to watching this by getting you to think it is part of the "Jason" franchise.

          The picture to the left is a screenshot of the films antagonist, Trevor. Lame, right? After the first act, the film does try to do it's own thing and build an original story, but that actually seems to make things worse. The characters are very generic and sometimes behave completely erratically, the dialogue seems completely unnatural and for some reason, about an hour into the film, the over all sound quality goes down. At first I thought it was my TV, then my streaming service, but nope, it was the movie itself. The ending of this film is also extremely convoluted. I get the feeling they rewrote the ending of the film a few times over then decided to shoot and edit every single one of the rewrites. So, was this an homage piece? Yes, but even if you are a huge "Friday" fan, I cannot recommend watching this movie. Do yourself a favor and just watch a "Jason" movie.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

The House On Sorority Row (Not A Boobie Movie)

Score: 7 Out Of 10.

             I was settling in and browsing through Hulu (which is quickly becoming my new favorite place to watch movies) when this very poster caught my eye. I have seen it before and always assumed it was what my wife refers to as a "boobie movie" and started watching. "The House On Sorority Row (1983)" was written and directed by Mark Rosman and stars Kate McNeil, Eileen Davidson and Janis Ward. The plot (which should sound familiar as it has been done at least a dozen times) follows a group of sorority girls who accidentally kill their head mistress and hide the body. But it is not long before the girls themselves start turning up dead. So the term "boobie movie" does not really apply, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a pretty good slasher flick. The film is pretty well acted (I was actually disappointed to see that some of these girls have not acted in anything else) and the ending is something that I genuinely did not see coming. Although admittedly the movie had some slow parts, the pacing as a whole really is not bad.

             What really got me here is the way the film was advertised. I have seen this poster/box art in a few different places before and have always glossed over it because I thought it was just another excuse to show a bunch of naked girls on screen (there is some nudity, by the way) and that it what I really think hurts this movie. Had they sold it as a serious slasher film, I think we would today be mentioning it in the same conversations as "Friday The 13th (1980)" or "Halloween (1978)." Instead, we ignore it when trying to decide what movie to watch. I should also mention that this movie had a remake released in 2009 that I saw when it first came out. Given the choice between the two, the 1983 version is far better. It is better acted and better scripted, although, the 2009 film was better marketed.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.
Twitter: @BMovieguy

Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death

Score: 2 Out Of 10

          I was browsing Hulu  and saw "The Criterion Collection" and thought I would watch some thing really good. Then I some how settled for this stinker of a movie. I am still not even sure why I selected it. But I did. In hindsight, I probably should have stuck with my original goal. "Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death (1989)" was directed by J.F. Lawton and stars Shannon Tweed, Adrienne Barbeau and Bill Maher (I get that people are pretty divided on Mr. Maher, so let's leave politics out of this and just focus on the movie). The film is about a feminist professor who is hired by the U.S. government to try and talk a tribe of cannibal jungle women into relocating so they can protect the nations avocados supplies. She brings a dumb but pretty assistant and a male chauvinist guide (also kind of dumb)  along with her. So the film as a whole is not particularly funny (it is a comedy, by the way), but it does have it's moments and there is no shortage of scantly clad women. If you manage to watch this movie more than once color me impressed.

          The real problem with the movie overall is that almost all of the humor behind this film was derived from stereotypes about men and women and how we interact with each other. This concept would be acceptable if at some point the film used some of it's humor to say something insightful but instead it just sticks to the same old "men are from Mars and women ore from Venus" jokes that you have heard since you were a kid. I honestly got about half way through this movie and started wishing that one of the "Piranha  Women" would kill me. The best compliment I could think of to give this movie is that the tag line at least made me chuckle, but then I felt immediately guilty afterwards.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.
Twitter: @BMovieguy

King Kong Vs. Godzilla (Father Vs. Son)

Score: 6 Out of 10

        While on a recent trip to the store, I lifted my son up (he will be three in January) so he could see what was in the five dollar DVD bin. The very first movie he picked up was "King Kong Vs. Godzilla (1962)." I am a huge fan of "King Kong (1933)" and my son is a huge fan of "Godzilla (1954)." As you could imagine, we literally trash talke each other the entire drive home, then immediately watched the movie. "King Kong Vs. Godzilla" was directed by Ishirô Honda and stars Tadao Takashima, Kenji Sahara and Yu Fujiki. The movie begins with a pharmaceutical company kidnapping King Kong as a marketing gimmick. At the same time, Godzilla escapes his ice berg prison in the ocean. Eventually both monsters descend upon Japan for a kinda epic show down. In a weird kind of way, the semi-rivalry that developed between my son and I over the next hour or so is almost a metaphor for the movie we were about to watch. "King Kong" was, in fact, the film that inspired "Gojira."

        The rivalry on screen plays out over about ninety minutes and actually set the pace for the next decade or two of Godzilla films and various other giant Japanese monster, or Kaiju, films. This was the first of the films to be marketed to younger audiences. As a result, people in the film tend to have silly reactions to the monsters rather than terrified ones. Also the monsters seem to appear more goofy than menacing. As a result, like most other films from this genre released through out the sixties and seventies, the film is silly and nonsensical. The special effects are bad and the acting is just plain atrocious. But for some reason, these films have a lot of charm to them. Maybe it is because it brings out the kid in me, or maybe it is seeing how much joy my son gets out of them. Either way, I am always happy to sit down and wastch one of these movies and "King Kong Vs. Godzilla," as silly and stupid as it may be, will from here on hold a special place in my heart. 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Night Of The Demons 2 (A sequel to DIE for!)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

           Back when I was in high school, I used to frequent this little video store around the corner from my parents house. The store was loaded with VHS tapes and had a fairly large selection of obscure horror and sci-fi films. This is where I first saw "Night of the Demons (1988)." I fell in love with the film and remember watching it twice back to back. So imagine how elated I was to learn there are sequels! "Night of the Demons 2 (1994)" was direted by Brian Trenchard-Smith and Stars Amelia Kinkade, Cristi Harris and Darin Heames. The movie is about some teenagers who decide to party at the infamous "Hull House." It's not long before creepy things start happening and they decide to leave unknowingly bringing a demonic force with them. What makes this film good is it does not take itself too seriously. This film is not a dark comedy by any means, but it does definitely have it's fair share of laughs. I am also happy to report that for every laugh to be had in this film, there is at least one genuinely creepy moment. The other aspect of this film I really enjoyed were the awesome special effects.

       A lot of nineties horror films experimented with computer generated imagery with some pretty awkward results. This film however, tends to favor home made effects done with paint and latex. The end results are some really wonderful and actually scary visuals. The downside was the dialogue was a little silly here and there. There were some moments where I was left thinking 'Who talks like this?' Also, I am not a fan of reusing scenes from the first film for things that should have been easy enough to shoot. Example: our main antagonist roaming the halls of "Hull House." But these minor irritants aside, "NOTD2" does not disappoint. It may not be as good as the first, but is does make for a pretty good sequel. Now let's just hope the third film is up to snuff...

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Le Fear II: Le Sequel (Kinda New But Kinda Not)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

              I will preface this post by saying that I have not seen "Le Fear (2010)" and did not read up on "Le Fear II: Le Sequel" before I started watching it. I did not even bother to reed the IMDB page for the film. Why? Because sometimes it is better to walk into a film completely blind and just let yourself be surprised. "Le Fear II: Le Sequel (Due to be released in the UK on April 11th, 2015)" was written and directed by Jason Croot (who also has a supporting role in the film) and stars Kyri Saphiris, Seye Adelekan and Leila Reed. The film is a comedy/horror/mockumentary that shows the trials and tribulations of a writer and director that has sunk five hundred thousand dollars of his own money into a film, but right from the first moment of shooting, our protagonist is plagued by a producer who seems to be more of a con-artist . The film is pretty well acted and very well shot. If I did not know any better I would almost swear that I was watching an actual documentary.

            The movie seems to take pages out of the playbooks from more mainstream  mockumentaries such as "This Is Spinal Tap (1984)" and "The Office (2001)" by building comedic situations based on awkward encounters and ludicrous problems. I'm happy to say that most of the jokes work, but in hindsight, the feeling I got through out most of the film was much akin to deja vu. I felt like I had seen almost all of the aforementioned situations in other movies and T.V. shows and the film as a whole was just unoriginal. In the end, It is a fun movie but I felt like they could have done better to offer new ideas rather than just rehashing the old ones.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Witching and Bitching (Good Movie, Stupid Title)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

             I will admit that the only reason I watched this movie is because the poster creeped me out. Every time I would load up Netflix for like two weeks I would see the poster and think, 'Eww, I should watch that, but the title is just so stupid.' "Witching and Bitching (2013) was directed and co-written by Álex de la Iglesia and stars Hugo Silva, Mario Casas and Pepon Nieto. The movie tells the story of three robbers (one being the twelve year old son of another older robber) who hit up a cash for gold store in hilarious fashion. Before long, police and the young boys mother are pursuing the robbers while they themselves are confronting witches in a small, creepy town. So finally, after a week or two, I gave in and watched the movie and I was not disappointing "Witching and Bitching" is a clever mix of both comedy and horror. For every moment I was cringing (in a good way) I was chuckling. I especially like the nods to European witchcraft films from the 1970's. Think "The Blood On Satan's Claw (1971)" and "The Wicker Man (1973).

         
         What bothers me, on the other hand, is almost the exact same thing I liked about this movie. For all the inspiration it draws from older films, it does not offer us anything new. The horror genre the last ten years or so (and really almost all american mainstream cinema) has gotten stale. It is almost all remakes and rehashed ideas and this film is no different. Be that as it may, "W&B" is still a pretty entertaining film. There are plenty of surprises and laughs, but I just can not picture this movie having any long lasting appeal to older horror fans, but for younger fans who are new to the genre, there is plenty to love.

  

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Full Moon High (Would've been better if I were...)

Score: 3 Out of 10

             In the first half of the nineteen eighties there was a rash of werewolf movies. Some funny, some scary, some just downright weird. "An American Werewolf in London (1981)," "Teen Wolf (1985)" and "Wolfen (1981)" are some of the better films. But for all the good movies that fit into this sub-genre, there were some really bad ones. "Full Moon High (1981)" was written and directed by Larry Cohen and stars Adam Arkin, Roz Kelly and Ed McMahon. Also keep an eye out for some pretty interesting cameos. No joke, Bob Saget is shown naked in the first three minutes of this film. The plot is about a high school football player who goes to eastern Europe with his C.I.A. agent father, is bitten by a werewolf, becomes a werewolf and then somehow magically time travels twenty years into the future. Yeah, you read the last part correctly. So the movie as a whole is supposed to be a spoof of werewolf movies but it is really more of a spoof of "I Was A Teenage Werewolf (1957)." It should come as no surprise that "Teenage Werewolf" was a much better, and funnier film; even if it was not meant to be funny.

         Sadly, "Full Moon High" was meant to be funny, and for the entire ninety three minute run time I did not laugh once. I have a pretty dark sense of humor so dark comedies normally do well by me, but this movie was missing one key ingredient; humor. The jokes in this movie felt forced and half of them were just really bad puns (in hindsight, I guess if you like puns this movie is for you). Honestly, at a time when so many good werewolf movies were coming out, and even werewolf comedies, this movie just falls short. Do yourself a favor and skip this one and watch literally any other werewolf movie from the eighties.  I promise you will not regret it.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Big Ass Spider! (Maybe too big...)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

              I woke up earlier than normal on Sunday morning. I could not get back to sleep, so I eventually got up, went to the living room and started browsing movies on Netflix. This little gem caught my eye and I thought 'why not?' Honestly, my Sunday was not off to a bad start. "Big Ass Spider!" was directed by Mike Mendez and stars Greg Grunberg, Clare Kramer and Lombardo Boyar. The plot is about an exterminator hired by a hospital to kill a genetically modified spider and it is not long before horror/hilarity ensues. Normally when I watch these Sy-Fy-channel-original-esque movies I get very bored about an hour into the movie and start staring into my cell phone. This time, however, I was pretty into it for almost the entire movie. The film had a pretty good mix of humor and creepiness that kept me glued to the t.v. for at least the first hour of the movie. The last half hour of the movie is where the movie started to loose me. If they had kept this film about a spider that is pretty big, maybe the size of a small dog, than it would have been better.

     
      When the spider became giant is when the movie lost me. I have seen so many giant spider movies at this point that the whole idea is just boring now. If I ever see a giant spider in real life, there is a fair chance I might look at it and go 'meh,' then go about my day. When the spider was small the film was genuinely creepy and was actually setting itself aside from all the other low budget monster movies I had seen. Another thing that sucks about this plot twist is once the spider goes giant the CGI becomes painfully obvious and everything just starts to look like a cartoon. When the spider was small the CGI actually looked pretty cool. So I at least recommend the first part of this film. The first hour of so will not disappoint.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Strippers VS Werewolves (This Is An Actual Movie?)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

                That question I put as a subtitle, I find myself asking that a lot lately. I am still not sure why I even bothered to watch this movie. I have never been a fan of strippers and I tend to not like werewolf movies (although I have always loved the idea of werewolves). Yet, there was still a voice in the back of my mind that said, 'Maybe you will be surprised.' I was not. "Strippers VS Werewolves (2012)" was directed by Jonathan Glendening and stars Adele Silva, Martin Compston and Bill Murray (not the comedian and actor we all know and love, but the British actor who was in all those BBC shows i have never heard of). The plot is about a stripper who kills a werewolf chief and his crew who are now out for revenge. So besides what you can tell just by looking to the picture to the left, what is wrong with this movie? A lot. The pacing is bad. I feel like I spent more time waiting for something to happen than I did enjoying anything that actually did happen. The acting is pretty horrendous as well but I am guessing that is not a surprise to anyone. 

            None of this is to say that there is nothing good about this movie. There are some fun surprises and a nice cameo. I specifically like the references to older films that I actually enjoyed. In addition there some nudity in there (that is a good or bad thing depending on what kind of person you are, I won't judge) But none of those positives add up to a good movie. If the story is poor and is poorly told then you will still have a bad movie. For all the gore, boobies (not judging), surprises and hi jinks you can squeeze into a film, you still need a compelling story. And that is what this movie lacks. It is a fun idea, but maybe it should have just stayed as an idea.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

H.O.T.S. (Trashy AND Funny)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

           This is one of those movies where you invite some friends over, have a couple of beers, pop some popcorn and just laugh the night away. You and your friends, by the way, are not going to be laughing because the film itself is genuinely funny, but because of how ridiculously bad it is. "H.O.T.S. (1979)" was directed by Gerald Seth Sindell and stars Susan Kiger, Pamela Jean Bryant and Danny Bonaduce (I would love to make fun of him for being in this film, but who could blame him for wanting to costar with a bunch of Playboy Playmates). The plot is... well... Virtually nonexistent for one thing. It really seems like a group of girls start a sorority, get into to trouble with the dean for being too risque, then feud (for almost no reason) with another sorority. The feud, by the way, consists of pranks and a wet t-shirt contest and culminates in a (spoiler) game of strip football. So you have probably guessed by now that this is not a great movie, but to be honest, it was not meant to be a great movie. For your time and money it promises cheap laughs and lots and lots of boobies and to be fair it does deliver on both. The adult in me really wants to roll my eyes at this one but the teenager found it hilarious.

        It really is, however, how over the top bad this movie that made me enjoy it. All of the high jinks the girls get into play out so terribly and so ridiculously that I could not help but laugh at all of it. The girls have a sea lion as their mascot. So rather than have a guy in a sea lion mascot costume, there is a hand full of scenes with an actual sea lion. And that is the kind of shit that made me like this movie. It did not have good acting or a good script or even a real budget (I could imagine that most of it went to the actresses) but what this movie does have is, like it's main characters, heart and charm.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

The Iron Rose (Pleasantly Surprised)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          Most times when I watch a film by Jean Rollin I am left with two thoughts; 1) What in the actual fuck did I just see? And 2) This was a porno that he just edited into an actual movie, wasn't it? Honestly, this time, the latter did not occur to me and the first thought only occurred once or twice. "The Iron Rose (1973)" was directed by Jean Rollin and stars Francoise Pascal and Hugues Quester. The plot is about a man and a woman who meet up at a cemetery for some after hours love making and then realize that they are trapped inside and there fears are starting to get the best of them. Let me say here that this is actually one of Rollin's better films. It is dark, atmospheric and has a lot of shots that are just really pretty. There were a lot of moments where I caught myself thinking, 'Wow, that is a really beautiful shot.' On top of that, this film is also better acted than most of the other films I have seen from Rollin. Possibly related, this one of the few films I have seen from this guy that is not about vampires and did not begin life as a pornographic film. The film is actually a pretty good example of how to be erotic with out being trashy.

       Although, like I mentioned earlier, there were a couple of moments where I just did not know  what to make of what I was seeing. The picture to my right is a prime example. Like, is that Rollin's attempt at humor or is that supposed to be some sort of deep statement? Also, the film is not very well paced. There are at least a few moments in the film where I was just kind of waiting for something to happen or fighting the urge to look at my phone. Over all, "Rose" is not a bad movie, it has some flaws and some WTF moments, but trust me, I have seen much, much worse from Jean Rollin.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Loaded (A.K.A. Bloody Weekend)

Score: 1 Out Of 10

         Have you ever had to sit in a room with a group of people and one of them constantly acted like they were the smartest person in the world yet every one around them knew they were an idiot? That is exactly how I felt watching this movie. "Loaded (1994)" was directed by Anna Campion and stars Oliver Milburn, Dearbhla Molloy and Danny Cunningham. The plot is about a group of friends who drive out to a remote location to film a horror movie but things take a turn for the worst when they drop acid. This is another one of those "horror within a horror" movies that was so popular in the nineties. The problem here is that the movie itself seems worse than movie within it. If you had sat me down and showed me the film these kids were trying to make I probably would have had a better experience. One aspect of what makes this movie so bad is the story. The characters are completely erratic, even for people taking hallucinogenic drugs. It is difficult to get a sense of who someone is when there character seems to change every couple of scenes.

        The next problem is the one I hinted at right at the beginning of this blog. I did not think it was possible for a movie to be pretentious but I stand corrected. Watching it, I almost got the sense that the film itself was looking down its nose at me. What this really means is that the filmmakers attempted to make an art film with out having any sense of artistic film making. This is a problem I have encountered before but this is the absolute worst. Do not, by any means watch this movie. If someone gives you a copy, consider it a personal insult.

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Beginning of the End (The Cutest Invasion Ever...)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

          I know I am going to be in the minority for saying this, and I never noticed this until I watched this movie, but grasshoppers are fucking adorable! I mean the poster to the left makes them look all kinds of menacing but once I saw them my heart just melted. "Beginning Of The End (1957)" was directed by Bert I. Gordon and stars Peter Graves, Peggie Castle and Morris Ankrum. The movie is about giant grasshoppers attacking Chicago. That's it. This movie is what people call "good bad." It was made in the 1950's when giant monster movies (especially giant bug movies) were all the rage and people were worried about atomic warfare (yes, that does come up in this film). The problem primarily is that the bulk of the action occurs off screen. A lot of early horror and sci-fi films used this technique but they used it to build suspense so when you did finally see the monster it was a real shock. Unfortunately (even by 1950's standards) the special effects are pretty bad so the big reveal just felt more silly than anything.

          The acting is pretty lame (obviously) and highlighted by the special effects not meshing well with the actors. Soldiers firing their guns in the opposite direction as the grasshoppers is just one of many shots where the film seems more like a comedy than a horror film (it was featured in an episode of MST3K, by the way). But despite all the bad acting, writing, special effects, directing and cinematography, there is just something lovable about this movie. Maybe it is just my own love for giant monster movies or maybe it is that I all of a sudden find myself thinking grass hoppers are really cute. Either way, I can honestly say that I enjoyed this movie and would actually watch it again.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Kiss of the Damned (A Vampire Film That Doesn't Suck!)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

           Whenever someone begins to tell me about what they describe as an "artistic" vampire film my eyes role (they did just now while i was typing that sentence). Memories of shitty Anne Rice films flash across my mind and I am annoyed with a film long before I even watch it. So you can imagine my mind set when a friend ranted to me about how good "Kiss of the Damned" is. "Kiss of the Damned (2013)" was directed by Xan Cassavetes and stars Josephine de la Baume, Milo Ventimiglia and Roxanne Mesquida. The story tells of a vampire woman that falls in love with a mortal man. She changes him into a vampire and they live blissfully until the woman's sister shows up and starts causing trouble for the whole vampire community. So let me just say that I was wrong. I judged this movie way too early and regret putting off watching it for so long because it did really turn out to be a goody. It was well acted, well written and well directed. The dialogue was very good as well. I really enjoyed the scene where a group of vampires sit around after a party and discuss vampire politics and their over all role in the world.

       The aspect of this film that I enjoyed the most was the story. The film does such a good job of building the characters and presenting them with a challenge that I genuinely cared about our vampire couple and really wanted them to have a happy ending. It is very rare for me to watch a movie about vampires and actually see them as anything more than just monster movie stereotypes. All in all, "Kiss" a good film made in the same vein as the 1960's European vampire films that I loved so much. There is blood, sex and cool imagery and a really cool story to tie it all together. It is definitely worth your time and money.

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Dracula's Widow (So Much Potential...)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

          I cannot at all make up my mind over whether or not I liked this movie. There was a lot to love but at the same time there was a lot to hate. It really seems like for every one thing I like about this movie there was at least one thing that left me groaning. "Dracula's Widow" was directed by Christopher Coppola and stars Sylvia Kristel, Josef Sommer and Lenny Von Dohlen. The story is that Dracula's Widow, Venessa, who is not convinced her husband is dead, is shipped to Hollywood as a wax figure. She then uses her vampy magic to seduce the wax museums owner and begins hatching a scheme to get back to Transylvania to find her husband. Now, before you make fun of the plot, let me say that the plot is one of the elements of this film that I really liked. Any thing involving Count Dracula should be a love story. As evil as the original vampire might be, his motivations in all the best Dracula stories and movies is that of a hopeless romantic. We may despise (or love, if your that kind of person) his methods, but love is what is at his core.

         So in all honesty, it is easy for me to buy in to the idea that Dracula would have married, then died and left behind a love sick widow. That being said, the writing is pretty good, but the delivery  is terrible. Specifically on the part of Sylvia Kristel. She is just so flat and almost monotone. Even in monster mode she comes across like she is just bored. In the same vein, the creature effects and other special effects (gore) are pretty well done, but you see too much of the effects and in way too much light, which is really a metaphor for the rest of the film. Good idea, just poor execution.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieGuy

Jailbait (Softcore Cash In...)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Before  get into this let me just give you a warning. If you are going to research a film with a provocative title (like "Jailbait") you should be very specific in your internet searches. I am pretty sure I am going to jail, now. "Jailbait (2013) was directed by Jared Cohn and stars Sara Malakul Lane, Erin O'Brien and Steve Hanks. The plot is about a young girl who murders her stepfather while he tries to rape her. Afterwards, she sent to a women's prison where she receives a crash course in violence, sexuality, drugs and mental illness. Because this movie likes to compare itself "Orange Is The New Black (2013)," so will I. "Orange" is a gritty and often funny television (internet?) show about a women who is incarcerated i the american prison system. It is poignant one moment and uplifting the next. It is overall a great show. "Jailbait" is a sleazy, exploitative piece of shit, much like the graphic novel was. It has no point to make and even the scenes that are clearly meant to inspire the audience are so poorly acted and poorly shot that they just fall flat.

     The interesting thing to me is that this is not the first women's prison film I have seen. I have in the past watched a lot of these movies and some of them have been really good. So why is this one bad? Because even if those films in the past there was a strong female lead. there was a woman  who was tough and angry and not willing to accept her circumstances that the audience can get behind and root for. In the case of "JailBait," (heh, heh... pun) the main character is week and spends ninety percent of the movie just playing the victim card and not doing anything to take care of herself (performing oral sex on the warden does not count. She was taking care of him...). That is why the movie fails... also because of bad acting, writing, directing and source material. Sorry, but this film is definately  not "in the vein of "Orange Is The New Black."

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieGuy

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (40 Years Later...)

Score: 9 Out Of 10

               This October will mark the fortieth anniversary of the "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre's" theatrical release and in the past forty years a lot has been said about this film. So what I did was sat down and watched this film again. I tried my best to forget about the stigma that surrounds this movie. I tried not to think about the two people I know who saw this movie in theaters when it was released and still can not bring themselves to watch it a second time and the friend I had in high school who bought in to the "based on a true story" element so much he once confided in me that he believes Leatherface "is still out there." This time I just sat down and watched a movie and took it for what it was, ONE OF THE CREEPIEST FUCKING THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN!! "Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)" was directed by Tobe Hooper (who I believe never got the credit he deserved for directing "Poltergeist (1982)," by the way) and stars Marylin Burns, Edwin Neal and Gunnar Hansen. The plot is about group of teenagers who are terrorized by a family of grave robbing cannibals. If that plot sounds familiar it is because it has been redone a hundred times over in a hundred different movies.

       When compared to horror/suspense films that are being released today there is not a whole lot of what would appeal to the younger generations. There is hardly any blood actually shown, there is very little profanity and there is absolutely no nudity or reference to sexuality and regardless if we consider that a good thing or not, these elements shown to excess is what seems to appeal most to the younger generation of horror fans. But what this film does have going for it is an unbelievable atmosphere. This film is the very definition of gritty. Like I stated earlier, it is incredibly creepy and contains not one but three of the most tense and uncomfortable scenes I have ever viewed and that is what makes this film great. This is the perfect example of how to make a horror movie with no budget and no special effects.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Female Vampire (Sweet Jesus...)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

      The first three minutes of this film had me laughing so hard I nearly choked to death. The film opens up with our main character walking in a foggy forest clad in only a cloak and a belt. We see a series of awkward close-ups of her. Then, and I swear I am not kidding, the actress actually walks into the camera. You can actually see her chin bump the camera lens. And that is what kind of shit-fest you are in for with this one. "Female Vampire (1973)" was written and directed By Jesus Franco (that should give you an idea of where this movie is going) and stars Lina Romay, Jack Taylor and Alice Arno. The plot is a sexy female vampire seduces men then kills them. Yup. That is it. If you have a hard time finding this movie, by the way, it is because the film has been re-released so many times under so many different titles, with it's director using so many different names that I could hardly do any research for this article.

        So, how bad does this movie suck? Normally I can forgive a lot of problems with a movie as long as there is a good story behind it all, or at least a good message. This, on the other hand, is a porno that was cut down so it could be sold to broader market. Judging by the quality of the version I saw, I am going to guess that even as by porn standards this movie is pretty terrible. There is no story and no character development. The "action" is boring, the acting is laughable and the directing is worse than any movie directed Ed Wood. At least when Wood mad a movie you could tell he at least cared about what he was doing. This movie was not even worth the time I spent watching it.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

P.S.
The Following is a list of titles this film was released under; Bare Breasted Countess, Erotic Kill, Insatiable Lust, Loves Of Irina, The Last Thrill, Black Countess and Sicarius-The Midnight Party,

Sacred Flesh (Erotic Horror Or Pandering Bullshit?)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         When I was a kid, the nuns I saw were bitter old ladies who could be described as anything but sexy. Yet, I keep meeting people from various walks of life who seem to have an attraction to these women. I do not understand it myself but the filmmakers here obviously seem to. (Sacred Flesh (2000) was written and directed by Nigel Wingrove and stars Sally Tremaine, Monya Cope and Simon Hill. What little plot there is focuses on a nun who receives sexual and violent visions from all the other nuns in her convent. She soon decides to take it upon herself to "cleanse" the other nuns. This film has very few (if any) redeeming qualities. But lets face it, if you are willing to invest your time and (hopefully not) money to watch this movie than you are probably not going to care very much about the quality of the plot, directing, special effects, writing and acting (for the record, the sets in this movie did look really cool). There is, however, a lot of sexually explicit scenes. The question for me is; Is it possible to mix eroticism with horror and still produce a good movie?

       I believe the answer is yes. Films like Antichrist (2009) and (believe it or not) "Strip Nude For Your Killer (1975)" do a wonderful job of mixing eroticism and horror. The key to it is to still tell a good story and convey a compelling message. That is what makes any movie good. Most flaws in a film could be overlooked as long as the audience is kept engaged in the story, just so long as you do not have too many flaws. But this movie fails because there is little to no story at all. On top of that, the dialogue suggests that there is some kind of deeper meaning behind all of it, but even that gets lost in all the explicit material. Honestly, if you are that into nuns, just get yourself a good antivirus program and search any porn site for nuns. Stop kidding yourself... pervert.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Bad Milo (Such a Piece Of Sh...)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          I feel like I have all ready made all the shit jokes I want to make right in the title of this blog, so from here on I am going to try not to make any more. I am not promising anything. "Bad Milo (2013) was directed by Jacob Vaughan and stars Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs and Patrick Warburton (Puddy from "Seinfeld"). The movie is about a man who has extremely painful bowel movements that are caused by stress. Then we learn that the pain is actually a demon that has been growing inside of him and after one particularly stressful day the demon actually makes it out of his ass hole and begins killing the people who cause the man stress. I cannot believe I actually just typed that shit out. And made a shit pun. God damn it. This movie is exactly what you expect it to be. Campy violence, lame puns and a handful of 'what the fuck' moments. What you probably would not expect is that this movie is surprisingly well acted and actually scores some pretty good laughs. The down side is that the story is kind of lame and the movie overall just feels kind of predictable.

         The essence of good horror (and comedy) is never knowing what to expect. If I can predict almost everything that happens right before it happens than it just lessons the blow. Instead of jumping, I am reaching for another handful of popcorn. Instead of laughing, I am just rolling my eyes. That is where this movie fails. It is not funny enough or scary enough for me to take it seriously one way or the other. It is like the movie is just stuck in 'shit limbo'. Gross...

Love,

   B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy  

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (Wrath in the form of Stupidity)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Have you ever been browsing a video on demand service (I would say browsing a video store, but honestly, who does that anymore) and saw a title that looked so stupid you felt you had to watch it just out of curiosity? That is exactly what happened to me. "Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan (2013)" was directed by Gary Jones and stars Joe Estevez (no, seriously), Dan Haggerty and Thomas Downey. The story is about some hunters who kill Bunyan's big blue ox causing him to go on a murderous rampage. That is pretty much it. What is wrong with this movie is exactly what is wrong with almost all movies directed by Gary Jones; The acting, writing, special effects and plot are complete garbage. I recommend you watch this movie with the mind set that it is a comedy because it completely fails as a horror movie. I started this blog with the intention of showing people that just because a film has a low budget and is poorly distributed does not mean it is a bad film. It is movie like this one, however, that undermine that point completely.

         What really bothered me about this movie is that they spent most of the film trying to convince the audience that Paul Bunyan is some unstoppable killing machine who will slaughter anyone who comes near him, then in the last ten minutes or so, go out of their way to make him look sympathetic. I understand that believable characters must have multiple layers to their personalities, but the film makers have taken a generic movie monster and turned him into a walking contradiction. Much worse is that they let him fall victim to so many horror movie monster cliches.  Sadly the only redeeming quality here is that the movie is only ninety minutes.

Love,

   The B-Movie guy

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A Fantastic Fear Of Everything (The Key Word Here Is Fantastic)

 Score: 8 Out Of 10

         I first heard about this film in a horror magazine maybe a year or so ago and thought, "It looks cool but I'll  probably never get around to watching it." So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when the movie was recommended for me on my Netflix account. "A Fantastic Fear Of Everything (2012)" was directed by Crispian Mills and Chris Hopewell and stars Simon Pegg, Paul Freeman and Amara Karan. The movie is about a writer working on a series of plays about nineteenth century serial killers and becomes paranoid that someone is actually trying to kill him. It is not long before that paranoia starts to combine itself with a couple of irrational fears that also happen to plague the main character. The plot plays out very well over an hour and forty minutes. There were absolutely no moments where I felt the story was too slow. In addition, Simon Pegg gives a pretty good performance as a struggling author named Jack. I have to wonder if Pegg was at all nervous about accepting this role. He has always been a pretty solid actor, but for about seventy percent of this film he is the only person on screen. As I was watching this I actually got the feeling like I was watching a one act play.

     
      This film was also truly funny. Due  to the success of "Shaun Of The Dead (2004)," I do not think anybody is questioning Pegg's ability to blend comedy and horror, but this film showcases the ability to do just that AND carry most of the film himself. I was belly laughing through large portions of this film (much to the annoyance of my wife) and actually rewound one scene and watched it again. In a weird kind of way, I also found my self identifying with the main character. I mean, who does not once in a while have this irrational fear of their own home and what might be lurking in the dark corners now and again. I am certainly not taking any of those occasional fears to such extremes but that is the fun of this movie (and many other dark comedies and horror movies),  is getting to watch someone else go over board.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy
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The Phantom Planet (So Stupid It's Painful)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

           I am not even sure where to begin with what all is wrong with this movie. I have watched a lot of bad science fiction movies in my day but this one was on a completely different level. "The Phantom Planet (1961)" was directed by William Marshall and stars Dean Fredericks, Coleen Gray and Anthony Dexter. Also, "James Bond" fans should keep an eye out for "The Solanite." A large monster played by Richard Kiel. The plot focuses on two astronauts that land on an asteroid, are shrunk down in size to match the inhabitants and then fight said inhabitants. I will just tell you outright, the acting, directing, writing and special effects are just bad. Even by mid-twentieth-century-sci-fi-movie-standards, they are bad. And much worse than that is that the movie was completely boring. I was watching the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version of this film and was still fighting to stay awake by the end of it. Sorry Mike, even your hilarious puns were not enough to save this stinker. Although the film does have one redeeming quality to it. The science behind it is so wrong that it is actually in a way pretty funny (hence the reason it wound up on MST3K).

          Now, I understand that in 1961 the average person probably was not that well versed in space travel. It was not like today where I can just Google something, but even back then I think people might have been rolling their eyes at this stinker. Two guys doing a space walk on the wing of their ship as if there is gravity and people breathing on the surface of an asteroid when there is not an atmosphere are just two of the many problems with this film. What really made me laugh was when the narrator announced that the year is 1980 and that space ships are launched by a space station on the moon. I guess if you come at this film from a comedy angle you will get some enjoyment out of it, but to be honest, there are a lot better ways to spend an hour and a half of your life... like watching grass grow.

Love,

   The B-Movie  Guy

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Detroit 9000 (Welcome To The Motor City)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

 

                Just because I know someone who reads this will wonder, '9000' is in the title because at the time this film was made, '9000' was the police code for officer down. "Detroit 9000 (1973)" was directed by Arthur Marks and stars Hari Rhodes, Alex Rocco and Vonetta McGee. Also, keep an eye out for Scatman Crothers; I really enjoyed his role in this movie. The plot tells of one white cop and one black cop that team up to solve a jewel heist that targets a black senator who is announcing his candidacy for mayor. For a film in the black exploitation genre, I have to give this film credit for being very well made. The dialogue is fun but not to corny, the acting was above par for the genre and it was pretty well directed. For the vast majority of this film, I was really into it. I admit that there are some moments when things slow down a little too much, but those moments are few and far between. I also want to mention the soundtrack. It was great! there were so many moments where I was really in to the music. So much so that I actually watched one scene over again because I was so into the music I missed what was happening!

 

          The down side is that this film has a powerful message behind it. I know that race is a pretty touchy subject and I do not want my blog to become a political argument, so I am going to make this point as well as I can without being offensive. Here goes; Normally I appreciate a film that can make a good statement, but this movie made it over and over. The first hour of the movie I was really behind them, but then after being beat over the head so much, I found myself rolling my eyes during every other scene. What the film makers should have done was make there message more subtle and let the audience draw there own conclusions about what this movie was about. My conclusion is that despite all this movie had going for it, they blew it.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Facebook: B-Movie Guy   Twitter: @BMovieguy