Witchslayer: Gretl (WHAT THE HELL IS THE REAL NAME OF THIS MOVIE?!)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

       Holy Balls, this was bad! My first post was in regards to a film called "Slaughtered Vomit Dolls." That movie was so bad I honestly thought that nothing could have been worse. Luckily the SyFy channel was able to prove me wrong. This (made for T.V. SyFy channel original) movie stars Paul McGillin, Jefferson Brown and Shannen Doherty. The plot is simple; a grown up Hansel has become a (not so badass)witch hunter and is soon disturbed to find that his sister's body is now inhabited by the head witch. There are some subplots in there but all of them are pretty lame. Boring plots aside, there are so many things wrong with this movie that it's almost a crime. It suffers from bad acting, writing, dialogue, special effects, directing and sets. In order to prove a point, I will address these individualy.

Acting: The setting is supposed to be Germany. Would it kill them to have at least one person speak with a German accent?

Writing: The plot and sub-plots together make it feel like the story was written originaly for a video game, but then they changed there minds and mad a movie instead.

Dialogue: It's a period piece, they should at least talk like it's the mid eighteen hundreds.

Special Effects: The CGI in this one is so bad it's... well... it looks like every other SyFy channel original. So yeah... pretty bad.

Directing: Was there a director? If so IMDB doesn't seem to know he exists and neither do the actors.

Sets: With a few exceptions, the entire film looks like it was shot in a small patch of woods in New England.      

              I guess I shouldn't get too upset. Given the history of SyFy channel orignal films I should have known what I was getting into, but when you write a blog about bad movies it only stands too reason that sooner or later you will find yourself writing about something on the SyFy channel. That being said, what really dissapoints me is Shannen Doherty. Her acting in this was terrible. This movie is an example of why I belive she will be doomed to T.V.  and not theatrical films for the remainder of her career (including commercials that run during day time talk shows). That's upsetting because she used to be not bad as an actress. If you missed the premier and you see it coming up again on the program guide or maybe on demand and decide that you need to get your Doherty fix (I can't imagine why you would need a Doherty fix), do yourself a favor, Watch "Mall Rats" instead.


Love,
The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog   #Gretlwitchhunter

P.S.
Serously, if you go on the internet looking for this film, be warned, it has two or three differnt titles!

Monster (Humanoids From The Deep)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

           I feel like I find myself dealing with the subject of rape on this blog so much that I'm actually starting to feel bad about it. I mean, what if some sick-o reads this and starts raping women. On second thought, that would imply that people actually read this shit. Anyway, today I watched "Humanoids From The Deep (the opening titles in the movie refer to the film as Monster with the humanoids part in really really tiny print underneath, by the way)." This is film about sea monsters who come up on land for the purpose of mating with human women. Before we go any further, I would like to point out that the director, Barbara Peeters, wanted to make a darker and more serious horror film and was fired before completing the film by the producer, Roger Corman, for not filming enough nudity. There's two ways of looking at this. 1) Good for you Ms. Peeters, you stood up for what you believed in. 2) Good for you Mr. Corman, you gave us more titties. I haven't made up which side of the fence I'm on yet.

            So, our movie stars Doug McClure (you might remember him from some other shitty movies like: "The Land That Time Forgot" and "The Bananas Boat"), Ann Turkel and Vic Morrow. They all give terrible laughable performances. In all honesty, I actually kind of liked this film. It was really nothing more than cheesy monster costumes, boobies and lots of blood. Sure the movie is light on story, the effects looked bad, some of the characters did thing for seemingly no reason and all the dogs getting killed kinda upset me, but when you read the description for a movie on Netflix like this one has, you just no it's not really gonna be that good. Needless to say the reason I enjoyed this one was because I had low expectations. Sometimes you want a really good movie, sometimes you just want blood and boobies. This was a blood and boobies night.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #bmovieblog   #Humanoidsfromthedeep

P.S.
How the hell did this get four and a half stars on Netflix?!

La Morte Vivante (The Living Dead Girl)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

           I'm no stranger to the films of director Jean Rollins. I've previously watched "Rape of the Vampire" and "Schoolgirl  Hitchhikers (that was before I started blogging, sorry)." That being said, this is the first time I watched one of his films and said, " Not Bad." "The Living Dead Girl" is about a girl who is brought back to life after two dimwits try to dump chemicals in a crypt. Suddenly there is a pretty lame earthquake and the environmental criminals are murdered by the moments-ago-revived female lead. Later she is discovered by a photographer and a former childhood friend and a conflict over what to do with her ensues. The movie stars Marina Pierro, Francoise Blanchard and Mike Marshal.

            The major problem with this film is the acting. The story wasn't bad. I actually like the mix of horror and drama, but the acting is all over the place. Almost everyone here gives a performance that's too over the top or just completely flat. The dialogue left a lot to be desired as well. On top of that, the movie is in French (that's not the bad part) and there are English subtitles, but even when characters are speaking English the subtitles are still there! Much worse than that, the English subtitles don't always match what the characters are saying leaving me to wonder if what I'm reading is really what the french actors are saying.

         On the plus side, this is a very beautiful film. The sets and scenery are very pretty and there is plenty of full-frontal-female-nudity and blood to keep an audience entertained. Overall, I'm still gonna have to say this one was kinda lame. The first half hour or so I just felt bored and the rest of the film was only entertaining because of an okay plot, some boobies and lots of blood. Once again, it wasn't bad, but it could have been much better.

     Love,
        The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @Bmovieguy   #bmovieblog   #thelivingdeadgirl

Mechete Maidens Unleashed! (It's a Documentary... No, Really!)

Score : 9 Out Of 10

       
     If you have ever been curious about the "Exploitation" sub-genre of b-movies or the Philippines involvement in these films or their impact on mainstream cinema or just want to see lots of boobs and violence and people discussing boobs and violence, this film is for you. Released in 2010 it features interviews with Jack Hill, Pam Grier, Roger Corman, Judy Brown, Sid Haig, Colleen Camp and Joe Dante, just to name a few. It also goes behind the scenes of films like "The Big Bird Cage," "TNT Jackson," "Savage Sisters" and "The Hot Box." Overall this is a wildly entertaining look at a much overlooked and ignored genre that has helped to fuel the careers of filmmakers like George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Francis Ford Coppola. It also takes a hard look at the themes behind these movies and how they often reflected real life social and political issues.

          Another thing I really liked about this movie is that, like the movies it focuses on, it never really took it's self too seriously. Too many times have I found myself watching documentaries and thinking that the people behind it seem very pretentious. There was none of that with this one. The filmmakers here know they are touching what is often silly subject matter and don't seem to mind letting you know that. One more thing I have to mention is the pacing of this film. Being ADD (attention deficit disorder), it's very easy for movies to "lose" me if there is not enough action or excitement. That was not the case with "Maidens!" I was completely into it for the entire hour and twenty minutes it was playing. Incredible!

   Love,
      The B-Movie Guy
Twitter: @bmovieguy   #Machetemaidensunleashed  #bmovieblog

 P.S.
After watching the trailer, it should be obvious why I didn't post this one to my youtube channel. Sorry guys!

The Beast Within (It WAS a toupee)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

          I have to hand it to director Philipe Mora (it should come as no surprise after watching this that he also directed the second and third Howling films), I was not expecting much from this movie. After I got about half way through it, I really started to like this one. I have to mention, though, that the film is pretty dark. Not in a metaphoric way, I mean I had a hard time seeing what was going on for good parts of the movie. At first I was some what annoyed with this, but after a while I started to see how the darkness actually served the film. The plot is a little weird, it focuses on a monster that rapes (again with the rape?) a woman and seventeen years later her son starts to go all kinds of sick house on a small southern town. The main cast (folk singer Ronny Cox, Bibi Besch and Paul Clemens) all put up some pretty good performances. Admittedly, the story is a little much but the fact that the cast turns in such a good performance really helps to sell the movie.

       So let me mention that this is not a werewolf film. What is really odd here is that a lot of the art associated with this movie hints that it's about a werewolf, but when you watch it, the word "werewolf" is never actually used. The dialogue actually keeps hinting that the monster in question is more like a half man half cicada. That, by the way, really bothered me much more seeing how I really dislike bugs! Also let me touch on the the two things that I'm sure most people reading this are going to be wondering (and no I'm not talking about whether or not there's nudity... there is).

 1) Is there a good transformation scene?

 2) Do they show the monster too much?

         The answers are yes, and unfortunately, yes. The transformation scene was one of the better ones I've seen over the years, and once again, Paul Clemens' performance is really what made it cool. Unfortunately, the last seven or eight minutes of the movie shows way to much of the monster, but I don't want to fault them too much because after a really good transformation scene, it's a little too hard to just leave it to peoples imaginations.

   Love,
      The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy  #Bmovieblog   #Thebeastwithin

Horror Planet (Space Rape)

Score : 6 Out Of 10

               For nine months I have been waiting for the B-movie wife to go into labor with our first born. Today was supposed to be the due date (BTW, I really love the looks people give you when they ask when your wife is due and you say today), but after spending an entire day wandering around the nearest big city she still hasn't gone into labor. So this evening I decided to watch a movie for the blog to pass the time. When I came across "Horror Planet" (originally released under the title "Inseminoid") and read the description it seemed like a must see given my situation. The plot is as follows: A crew of space archaeologists come across an alien being who rapes one of their crew mates. Later she discovers she is pregnant and starts murdering and cannibalizing the rest of the crew. "Horror Planet" was released in 1981 and was directed by Norman J. Warren. It stars Robin Clarke, Jennifer Ashley, Stephanie Beachman and a bunch of other people I've never heard of.

               I have to give credit where credit is due on this one. It never lost my attention and the overall story and dialogue were actually pretty good. On the other hand, the film suffers from some pretty sub par acting and lame creature effects. I give them credit for coming up with the creatures they did for a budget of only two million dollars, but the film might have benefited more if the creatures were on screen less. The more you see of them the more disappointing they become. I would have been better off imagining the monsters. Once again the acting wasn't particularly good. Every single person in this film was either completely over doing it or was completely phoning it in. Not a lot of middle ground. As whole, I must say this has not turned me off to Norman J. Warren as a director. In the future I'll most likely be watching some of his other films.

      Love,
          The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #bmovieblog   #Horrorplanet

White Zombie!

Happy Friday!
    Love,
       The B-Movie Guy.
Twitter: @BMovieguy  #bmovieblog   #whitezombie