Wishmaster (Part 1 of 3)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

           I had some pretty low expectations for this movie. I watched the trailer and thought, 'this is gonna be all kinds of lame.' But I was pleasantly surprised when the opening sequence actually drew me in. "Wishmaster (1997)" was directed by Robert Kurtzman and stars Tammy Lauren, Andrew Divoff and Robert Englund (of Freddy Kruger fame). Also keep an eye out for Kane Hodder (Jason Vorhees) and Tony Todd (Candy Man). The film tells the story of an evil genie (or a Djinn; BTW, check out the Wikipedia page for these guys. pretty interesting stuff) who is trapped in a gem stone in ancient Persia, then is released in present times (actually about seventeen years ago) to cause havoc by twisting peoples wishes around in a classic style. The story really opens the door for some really cool creature effects. Also I like that the movie starts by showing you some pretty awesome effects. I just really appreciate how much time and effort goes into making really good, believable looking monsters. Especially the look of the Djinn himself (some pretty solid acting on the part of Andrew Divoff does not hurt either).

           The other side of the special effects coin is that there is some pretty terrible CGI in play here as well. I fell like you can not blame budget constraints for bad computer effects, though. They had about five million dollars to play with. I think this is a case of computer generated imagery not being as good as we remember it being in the mid to late nineties. All that aside, this is a pretty good horror flick. I say turn out the lights, pop some popcorn and spend an hour and a half daydreaming about the wishes you would make.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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The Sorority House Massacre II (I'm Confused...)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

 

             Normally I do not like to review sequels with out first reviewing the previous film(s), but I am genuinely confused over what this movie is a sequel to. The original "Sorority House Massacre(1986)" is a weird hybrid of slasher and haunted house movies, but the clips shown in the flash back scene of this movie are from "The Slumber Party Massacre(1982)." I wonder if the logic was, "Who cares? No one will ever watch this crap anyway." "Sorority House Massacre II(1990)" was directed by Jim Wynorski and stars Gail Harris, Melissa Moore and Stacia Zhivago. The plot is about a bunch of girls who purchase a house where some pretty gruesome murders happened in hopes of turning it into a sorority house. It is not long before the girls themselves start getting murdered. If you can not tell by the plot, the whole movie is really nothing more than an excuse to have a group of sometimes naked women bouncing around on screen. If it honestly were not for the one or two nude scenes this film would have almost no redeeming quality.

         What really hurts about this movie is all the mistakes. There are at least three moments in the film where you can see the shadow of equipment being used off camera. I am almost left with the impression that the filmmakers were not even trying. Between the terrible acting, writing, directing and the mistakes, I almost believe that the whole idea was to make the whole movie as fast as possible for as little money as possible for the sole purpose of turning a quick profit and that makes me hate this movie so much more. Although, after seeing some of Jim Wynorski's other movies, I should have expected this to suck.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.
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P.S.
You can check out my review of "Slumber Party Massacre" here.

Dario Argento's Dracula(A Bad Twist On An Old Classic)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

         Normally I am always happy to see an updated version of an old classic, but this time I was left pretty underwhelmed. "Dario Argento's Dracula (2012)" was directed by Dario Argento (obviously) and stars Thomas Kretschmann, Marta Gastini and Asia Argento. If you are not familiar with the classic Dracula story... then get your shit together. It was published well over a hundred years ago, it was really good and there is no excuse for being that far behind. The only difference between the classic story and this movie is that all the action stays in Transylvania instead of moving to London and a subplot where it is revealed that Dracula may have some sort of businessmen arrangements with the local towns people (there are some other little changes and one some of the original characters go missing, but for the most part...). The changes to the story are not bad ones. They are sensible and serve the plot well. I know it is popular to bash a movie for straying to far from the source material, but if good changes are made than i find it completely acceptable. Not that that it is the case here, but there are just some things that do not translated well from print media to film.

        No, my beef here is that even with all the sex and violence the movie is just boring overall. There are way too many moments where I was either rolling my eyes or just waiting for something interesting to happen. On top of that, there were so many scenes with terrible looking CGI effects. I mean Sy-Fy-channel-original bad. I get that they want things that Dracula fans have not seen before but these things should not come at the expense of the film's quality. Do yourself a favor, look for a film called "Blood For Dracula (1974)." It is an old school Italian gore flick that is way more entertaining.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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No Holds Barred (What Was I Thinking?)

 Score: 5 Out Of 10

 

          I grew up a fan of professional wrestling. More specifically, I grew up a "Hulkamaniac." If you do not know what a Hulkamaniac is, do not worry, you are probably better off not knowing. That being said, I vaguely remember watching this movie as a kid and really loving it. So when I saw it while browsing Hulu, I thought, 'There is no way it was that good.' In a way, I was both right and wrong. "No Holds Barred (1989)"  was directed by Thomas J. Wright and it stars Hulk Hogan, Tommy 'Tiny' Lister and Kurt Fuller. The plot is just a movie version of a late eighties/early nineties WWF story line. Rip (played by Hogan) is the WWF champion and refuses to sign a deal with a competing TV network (this aspect of the story actually mirrors the real life rivalry between WWF and WCW, who was owned by Turner Broadcasting), so the TV network puts together a competition to find a Challenger to take down Rip. Unfortunately the wrestler they get is a complete psycho.

 

      This is a pretty terrible movie. The acting is bad, the dialogue is borderline ridiculous and the plot does not make a whole lot of sense unless you are an avid wrestling fan who is accustomed to wrestling story lines. There is a romantic subplot at work here, but all the scenes between Hogan and his love interest are just plane awkward. On the other hand, I had a lot of fun watching because the whole thing seemed more like a cartoon than a movie. Maybe it speaks to what appealed to me about wrestling as a child. There are silly characters that take themselves way to seriously and the unrealistic nature of the violence portrayed is pretty kind of fun. I say, throw this movie on, invite over your wrestling-fan-friends and have some laughs. I guarantee, if nothing else, this movie will at least get some laughs out of you.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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P.s.
Hogan has done worse... Way worse...

The History Of Future Folk (Hondo!)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

      It is no secret that I am a fan of folk music and movies about about aliens, so you can imagine how delighted I was to find a movie about two aliens performing as a folk music duo. In case you can not imagine, I was indeed pretty delighted. "The History Of Future Folk" was directed by John Mitchell and Jeremy Kip Walker. It stars Nils d'Aulaire, Jay Klaitz and Jullie Ann Emery. The film tells the origins of the real life NYC folk duo "Future Folk." An Alien crash lands on earth on a mission to find his missing comrade who was supposed to destroy our planet years ago and complete the mission himself, but his mind is soon changed when he becomes exposed to humans greatest invention: Music! No joke, I really loved this movie. It was imaginative and funny. The music was wonderful and what really caught me off guard was that there were quite a few serious moments. The film really did explore themes like trust issues with in relationships, forbidden love and duty versus personal belief. I admit it is possible that I am reading to much into this movie, but that should give you an idea of how good the movie was. I was so drawn in that I might have read too much into it.

         The only down side to this movie was there were one or two points where the acting just was not that good. Do not let that stop you, though. The acting over all was above average and Nils d'Aulaire and Jay Klaitz were exceptional. Another point I would like to make is that the movie had an obviously small budget, but that in know way hurts this movie. I would recommend all would be low budget film makers watch this film because it is a perfect example on how a great story makes the movie, not flashy special effects. This is proof that a guy with a red bucket on is head can deliver a better movie than an A-list actor with CGI "claws" and a $120,000,000 budget. Just sayin'.

Love,
The B-Movie Guy
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P.s.
The Music really was awesome. You can find the sound track here.

Where the Buffalo Roam (Murray as Thompson)

Score: 8 out of 10

       I will start by saying I am absolutely floored that I had no idea this movie even existed until two weeks ago. What is even more shocking is that it was actually pretty good. "Where the Buffalo Roam" was directed by Art Linson and Stars Peter Boyle, Bill Murray and Bruno Kirby. The film tells the (tall) tales of legendary journalist Hunter S. Thompson. In fact, large parts of the film are based on Thompson's books "Fear and Loathing at the Superbowl" and "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72." How much of the film is factual is open to debate. The big question here is how does Murray do portraying Thompson. The answer is pretty well. Murray spent quite a bit of time with the famed "gonzo journalist" before and while filming and really nailed the his mannerisms. I think it is important to note that this is one of those few films where Bill Murray steps out of his own persona. Even in Wes Anderson movies, there is something about Bill that just puts a stamp on the movie. It becomes a "Bill Murray movie." This is the first time I have really seen a movie starring Mr. Murray where it really was not a "Bill Murray movie."

       The other key component here is Peter Boyle. I felt while watching it that this was really one of Boyle's best performances. I absolutely loved every scene he was in. I laughed because of him and got angry with him. It was just all around fun. The downside is 1998's "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." That movie has become so ingrained with most people and there idea of who HST was that I feel this film might be hard for most to bear. Honestly though, if you could put that movie out of your head and just take this one in, I promise it will be worth it. I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone... 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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The Wickeds (Zombies Done Wrong)

 Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Oh my god, this movie was so terrible that I actually feel like a terrible person because I watched it. "The Wickeds (2005)" was directed by John Poague and stars Ron Jeremy (Yes, that Ron Jeremy), Justin Alvarez and Anna Bridgforth. The movie tells the story of two idiot grave robbers who accidentally raise a bunch of zombies (and a vampire, because, why not?) and then hide in an abandoned farm house with some teenagers who are trying to have a half-assed Halloween party. I am pretty used to watching bad movies but this one is not even "funny bad." It is just "sad bad." It falls victim to every zombie/vampire movie cliche and that is just the tip of the iceberg. The zombies are so bad that at one point a zombie bride starts to loose her veil and actually stops to adjust it. But even the acting of the survivors is terrible. I was particularly bothered by one guy who kept talking like Bill from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)." Because the acting is this bad, the irrational decisions that characters make just seem so much more obvious. 

    Now lets talk about Ron Jeremy. Ron is not a bad actor. He appears in some Troma films and even some big budget Hollywood productions and turns in some pretty good performances. So what happened here? It almost seems as if he was not even trying. I am willing to believe after watching the movie that he just showed up and said "Where's my check?" I have seen a couple of his porn movies from back in the seventies and he even acted (much) better in those. To summarize, I can not recommend this movie to anyone. Not even people I dislike. I just hope that this does not ruin your opinion of Ron Jeremy. He really is a pretty good actor.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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