Galaxy Of Terror (Beware The Giant Raping Worm!)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

             As much as I would love to sit hear and type a few paragraphs about how terrible this film was, I can not. In fact it was somewhat enjoyable. The special effects were not bad (although a tad bit out dated for 1981 standards), the acting was pretty good and it did help start the careers of both Bill Paxton and James Cameron (that last part being a good thing is arguable. For those of you who love trivia, Mr. Cameron was the art director and Mr. Paxton was the set dresser). "Galaxy of Terror" was directed by Bruce D. Clark and stars Edward Albert, Erin Moran and Ray Walston. By the way, keep an eye out for (70's exploitation star) Sid Haig, (Pre-Freddy Krueger) Robert Englund and (late night cable porn master) Zalmond King! I for one just find it so amazing that so many popular and talented (i feel the need to say popular and talented because I feel that not everybody mentioned fits into both categories.) people came together to make such a campy movie.

         The films plot focuses on a rescue crew that answers a distress beacon and are attacked by monsters. The problem with this film, besides ripping off several other sci-fi films (and rather blatantly, might I ad), is the pacing. I have said time and time again that pacing can ruin on otherwise damn good movie and this is a perfect example. There are so many moments where I felt glued to my television, but they are all broken up by long, drawn out, boring and sometimes pointless scenes (I actually feel like this movie could have been about twenty minutes). For that reason there were many moments where I found it hard to pay attention and that is why this film only gets a seven.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy
Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog  
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Howard the Duck (This Film Cost $36,000,000)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

           Let's just consider the title of this blog for a moment. This movie cost thirty six million dollars to produce. There are a lot of things you could do with thirty six million dollars. Example: I would fund a science project to make a half man half duck that would follow me around and drop one liners and that would be way more entertaining than this movie was. Now, just to give you some background, I vaguely remember watching this when was a small b-movie child but for the life of me could not remember a thing about it. When I saw it coming on HBO I thought, "Why not?" "Howard the Duck" was directed by Willard Huyk and stars Lea Thompson (who I have a new found admiration for after she nearly simulated a sex scene with a midget in a duck costume), Jeffrey Jones and Ed Gale.

                  Well if nothing else, now I remember 'why not.' It was boring, unfunny and suffered a serious personality crisis. The first half of the film is kind of a perverted comedy. Howard (he is the duck) walks around getting into trouble, making one liners and just generally being perverted. then the second half of the movie tries to become a sci-fi/action movie complete with chase scenes and mutant monsters. The really sad part is from what I'm told, this was Marvel's first attempt turning one of their comics into a full length feature film. BLECHHH!

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #BMovieblog   #HowardtheDuck   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

Nude Nuns With Big Guns (Not As Cool As You Would Think)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

                 I honestly have nothing nice to say about this movie. The only reason it even scored a three out of ten is because I did not feel this film was as bad as some other films I have reviewed. "Nude Nuns" was written and directed by Joseph Guzman and it stars Asun Ortega, David Castro and Perry D'Marco. From beginning to end it was nothing more than a pure shitfest. To be fair the film did have it's share of nude nuns and some pretty big guns, but beyond that it offers very little. The plot is as basic as can be (a nun kills people because god wants her to get revenge for a slaughtered convent), the dialogue is terrible, the acting is all over the place (as soon as somebody starts to give a good performance they immediately do something to ruin it) and the movie as a whole is largely ripped off from almost every film ever mad by Robert Rodriguez.

         I'm not kidding. The worst is during the opening credits. I am ninety nine percent sure that was theme from "Planet Terror" playing. It is almost as if some studio bought a script and could not get Rodriguez to direct so they got Guzman (who by the way also directed "Run! Bitch, Run!"). In short I can not recommend you watch this film unless you are very drunk or need something to just make you feel angry for having wasted your time. You should be ashamed, Mr. Guzman.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #nudenuns   #BMovieblog   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu (Comedic Horror)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

            I guess I am just rolling on the Lovecraft train lately. I was reading from the Necronomicon (this word should be familiar to any Sam Raimi fans out there) and got bored and decided to watch a movie. That is when I stumbled across "The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu." Our film is about a couple of slackers who are contacted by an ancient society and informed that one of them is the last living relative of famed horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. Then they are told that all the stories are real and are given a relic to protect. They then embark on a quest to find the the legendary Captain Olaf (keep an eye out for a reference to D.C. Comics) and divert the end of the world a la the return of Cthulhu. The movie was Directed by Henry Saine and stars Kyle Davis, Devin McGinn (who also wrote the film) and Matt Bauer. I must say that this film was pretty entertaining through out.

            The film as a whole was not short on humor. Through out the one hour and eighteen minutes it played I was laughing pretty consistently. I am also pretty impressed with the special effects and the creature costume. The lesson would be filmmakers can definitely take away from this film is that you should not have to heavily rely on C.G.I.. Your film could look just as good with paint, latex and a trip or two to the local butcher's shop. That being said, there was a tiny bit of gore here but not enough to really gross anyone out (unless you are particularly squeamish). So over all I say job well done. This film featured clever writing, lots of action and some cool effects. I am pleasantly surprised considering I thought I would hate it.

Love,

  The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy  #bmovieblog  #thelastlovecraft

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P.S.

If anybody is geeky enough to make a mask out of pic number two, please send me a pic!

The Call Of Cthulhu (An All New Silent Movie!)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

     
          I have always had a fondness for silent films. They have a certain charm that seems to have been lost when the "talkies" started to get released. I can not quite put my finger on it. Maybe it is the way the actors always seem to be over acting, or how the horror and science fiction films of that era all seem to share in a very surreal style (ex: "The Cabinet Of Doctor Caligari" and "A Trip To The Moon"). So you can imagine how I was immediately attracted to a film advertised as a "new silent film." Released in 2005, "The Call Of Cthulhu" was directed by Andrew Leman and stars Matt Foyer, John Bolen and Ralph Lucas. The plot of the film is as follows: A man comes across the research carried out by his late grandfather regarding the "Cult Of Cthulhu (when the next census comes around I am going to list that as my religion)" and he himself becomes drawn into the mystery.

            "Call" is a short but sweet movie. It only runs for about forty five minutes and all the acting is particularly good... well, when I say good, I mean they a good job of completely over acting. As previously stated, that fits right into the film's overall style. There is no real violence in the film. The only blood I remember seeing is sitting to the left of this paragraph and because of the "silent" style there is also no nudity. But who cares? This was still a pretty entertaining film! There were however a couple things that bothered me. If you watch carefully you can see little bits of modern technology slip into frame. On top of that, The visual effects and camera work felt more akin to the "talkies" that came in the two decades after silent films. Despite this, though, I still thoroughly enjoyed the full forty five minutes of this film. That in and of itself makes it worthy of an eight out of ten rating.

Love,

      The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy #Bmovieblog #Thecallofcthulhu

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Non Si Sevizia Un Paperino (Don't Torture A Duckling)

Score: 9 Out Of 10

                Every so often I get a movie that hits me in a very emotional way. Maybe it is because I recently became a father for the first time, or because there seems to be so many stories in the news lately that this film reminds me of. I think what is most surprising is that it was directed (and co-written) by lucio fulci. I am not used to fulci films soliciting this kind of response from me. Normally I just get a cheep thrill out of all the over the top violence and the over abundance of nudity. The plot of "Non Si Sevizia Un Paperino" ( or "Don't Torture A Duckling" as it was released in America) focuses on a series of child murders and the people investigating and suspected of these murders. The story is emotional, disturbing, angering and at times almost a tear jerker (once again this could just be the parent in me talking). The film stars Florinda Bolkan, Barbara Bouchet and Tomas Milian. All of the actors gave pretty good performances. There were a couple of moments where the acting seemed to go down in quality a bit, but over all these moments were quickly forgotten.

          I think what surprised me the most was the social commentary found in this film. fulci and crew are not just taking shots at law enforcement but also the public and the media for their knee jerk style reactions to violent crimes. In addition they also manage to make some statements about the catholic church (if you are heavy into Catholicism you might want to avoid this one). I can honestly say I do not think I have encountered another fulci film with this much to say about society. If I have, I probably did not notice because of his usual level of violence (he was once quoted as saying "Violence is Italian art!"). Speaking of violence, I will not try to tell you that this film was devoid of violence, but I did notice far less than the average fulci film (ex: he has two films on England's notorious "Video Nasties" list). In closing, I am absolutely in love with this film. It just might replace "Zombie" (or "Zombie 2" for you purists out there) as my favorite fulci film.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #bomvieblog   #donttorturetheduckling

Going To Pieces: The Rise And Fall Of the Slasher Film (Another Documentary)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

           This past week a reader gave me a DVD to watch. It turned out to be a documentary about slasher films and being one who almost never turns down a slasher film (regardless if it is good or bad), I decided I would not mind watching a movie about slasher films. "Going To Pieces: The Rise And Fall Of The Slasher Film" was made in 2006 (it was based on the book of the same title published in 2002) and features interviews with Tom Savini, Wes Craven, Rob Zombie, Debra Hill, John Carpenter and Betsy Palmer (believe it or not, she did make a pretty good contribution to the genre). For the most part, this was a pretty good flick. It was entertaining, insightful and because I watched it on  DVD they got to show all the gore and nudity that made a lot of us fall in love with these movies when we were kids (you know, back before we knew anything about plot... or good dialogue... or good acting). The downside of this is I had to relive the final scene of "Sleepaway Camp," which was exactly as disturbing as I remember it. Someone in the film (I do not remember who) also pointed out that "The Crying Game" might have ripped that movie off. I will not debate that here (they did).

         So not bad for a documentary. The only gripe I could really come up with for this film was if you are a huge fan of slasher films or a horror movie buff, you are really not going to get anything out of this movie. It has it's moments where you might go, "Oh, I didn't know that," or "So that's how they did that," but even those moments are not terribly exciting. The film does touch on the protests that coincided with the release of certain horror films and parents outrage over other films, but even here the film does little to give a fresh opinion or some thoughts that all of us haven't had at one point or another. The final statement: If you are new to the genre and want to catch up, this just might be your movie. If you are a fan and looking for some deep thoughts on horror movies from the late 70's to the mid 80's, you might want to pass.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy     #BMovieblog   #Goingtopieces