Spiders 3D (Computer Generated Creepiness)

    Score: 2 Out Of 10.

              Normally, I am all over giant bug movies. I once sat in a theater and watched "Eight Legged Freaks (2002)" on a date and the girl I was with got so freaked out by the movie and apparently how amused by it I was that we never had a second date. But even that kinda-amusing-but-still-sucked movie was better than "Spiders 3D." "Spiders" was directed by Tibor Takacs (I still can't figure out how to use accents on Blogger). It stars William Hope, Shelly Varod and Jesse Steel.  The film is about a Russian space station inhabited by mutant spiders. A piece of the station breaks off after being hit by a comet and crashes into a New York city subway station where they begin to grow to monstrous size and run amok over the city. This movie, and I am in no way exaggerating, is the most boring movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

        No joke, this movie was so boring I actually started to dose off a little bit while writing the first paragraph. What is distressing about this is that movie is actually pretty well paced. I mean, there is well placed action through out but the problem is that even the action is just kind of boring. To add to the problem, both the characters and the plot are one hundred percent non-nonsensical. One character dies and the man who is supposed to be a close friend does not seem grief stricken at all. He just goes on doing his job. Also, all of the spiders in the film are computer generated. would it have killed them to make spider puppets and maybe some real spiders for the scenes before they start growing and use the CGI a bit more sparingly. You know, just to make things seem a little more real?

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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The ABC's Of Death (R Is For Repugnant)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

          A lot of people have been asking me about this film lately, and I have to admit, after I saw the trailer I was pretty excited to see it. If you are not familiar, the premise of the film is that twenty six directors were all assigned a letter of the alphabet then picked a word that begins with that letter and shot a death scene associated with that word. Example: "F" is for fart, so director, Noboru Iguchi, shot a scene where to girls fart each other to death. No, seriously. The directors themselves are from all over the world and the film  is in quite a few different languages, so most of the film is subtitled (apologies to those of you who hate reading). The shorts themselves range from "pretty good" to "What did I just see?" Therein lies the problem. Only a handful of the scenes fall into the "pretty good" column, a couple fall into the "what did I just see?" column, but most fall into the "boring" or "been done before" column. A couple of times I had to fight the urge to fast forward to the next letter in the film. There was one scene that actually disgusted me (and it takes a lot to disgust me), but I will not call this a good thing because that scene in particular involved pedophilia. 

          Normally, I like a good anthology film (as stated in my previous post), but this one was not good. The main problem is that twenty six death scenes all with there own separate little plots is just too much. If you just want to show us twenty six death scenes with no real back story, that is fine, but if you're trying to build a story with every scene then I need more time to learn about what is going on. Many of these shorts seemed like they would have been much better if they were just there own full length film. On the other hand (because each scene ends with a letter and a word) I did have fun trying to guess what word they were each shooting for.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy

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Scary Or Die (Kinda Creepy Or Die)

Score: 8 Out Of 10

          I am a pretty big fan of the anthology horror films that came out during the 1960's and 70's (ex: "Tales From the Crypt (1972), Twice Told Tales (1963) and Black Sabbath (1963)), so I was presently surprised to see a horror anthology film from 2012. Here is the kicker... IT DOESN'T SUCK! "Scary or Die" was directed by Bob Badway, Michael Emanuel and Igor Meglic. It stars Domiziano Arcangeli, Corbin Bleu and Shannon Bobo. Also keep a look out for Bill Oberst Jr., his appearance in this movie is much better than "Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies. Shorter, but Better. The film has five segments and all of them are pretty good. The first is a zombie tale that takes place on the Mexican/American border, the second is about a widow attempting to rescue a woman, third is the story about a murderer who is losing his mind after dismembering a corpse, fourth is the half creepy half silly story of a were-clown and finally the story of woman who returns from the grave to seek vengeance on her husband.

     So the nice thing about this style of film making is the pacing is always good. You do not really have time to get bored with it because the stories do not go on long enough to require any kind of filler. Another thing that struck me about this movie is most of the actors played their roles very well. There was not one performance that left me rolling my eyes. The stories themselves were also pretty strong and most of the movie was genuinely creepy, except the clown story. That was more silly than it was creepy. How it made it to be featured in the films advertising is beyond me. I mean, seriously, a were-clown? 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Pinocchio's Revenge (Not As Stupid As It Sounds)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

         It would be very easy to compare this film to other evil toy movies like "Puppet Master(1989)" or "Child's Play(1988),"  but to be honest, once I started watching the movie those other flicks did not cross my mind. Here is another shocker, this film is actually better than those movies. "Pinocchio's Revenge" was directed by Kevin Tenney (who also directed "Night of the Demons(1988)"). It stars Candice McKenzie, Rosalind Allen and Brittany Alyse Smith. Also, and I do not know why I am so amused by this, but, Vern Troyer as Pinocchio. The movie is about a defense attorney who brings home a piece of evidence (the puppet). Later her boyfriend mistakenly gives it to her daughter as a birthday present and it is not long before creepy things start happening. I know the plot sounds weak, but that is all I can really tell you with out giving away spoilers.

       So the movie has some pretty fun scenes, most of the death scenes are pretty good and there is a really good twist at the end of the movie. The surprising part is that this is actually a psychological thriller. It was not the silly campy horror film I expected and the ending did leave me thinking. Couple that with some pretty good performances, good directing and a solid script and the movie is a nice little surprise. The only thing that hurts this movie is the pacing. I spent too much time early on in the film wondering where it was going, but over all, I still enjoyed it. No, Really.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Devil Seed (Like Everything You've Ever Seen Before)

Score: 6 out of 10

         I was pleasantly surprised by this film only because it was nowhere near as terrible as I thought it would be. "Devil Seed (A.K.A. "The Devil in Me")" was directed by Greg A. Sager and stars Michelle Argyris, Shantelle Canzanese and Vanessa Broze. The film is about a girl who goes to get her fortune told and is unfortunately possessed by a demon. So what this film has going for it is a good cast turning in solid performances, pretty good pacing and decent writing. If you are a new comer to the horror genre you might even get a good couple of scares out of it. I also have give credit to the director for not throwing in too many cheap jump-out-scares. In addition there are some pretty good looking special effects and a good couple of nude scenes thrown in  there as well.

        Unfortunately, for as decent as this film is, it does fall victim to every last cliche in the book for demonic/satanic possession films.  If you have already watched films like "The Exorcist(1973)," "Rosemary's Baby(1968)" or "The Amityville Horror(1979)" then you can just go ahead and skip this film because you have probably already seen everything it has to offer. In closing, the movie is only decent and not bad for a date or a just a quiet evening at home, but for a true horror fan, you will most likely want to just pass this one by.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.
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The Slaughterhouse Massacre (Blech...)

Score: 3 out of 10

      Have you ever sat down to watch a movie and just knew that there was no possible way that what you were about to see would be any good? That is exactly how I felt going in to this movie. "The Slaughterhouse Massacre" was directed by Paul Gagne (whom also plays the films villain) and stars Stephani Wells, Cory Nelson and Shaila Vaidya. The plot follows four college students exploring a slaughterhouse that was abandoned after a murder and (spoiler) then get slaughtered themselves (as if you did not see that one coming). Right from the very beginning the problems start popping up. The film and audio quality is absolute shit and the movie as a whole feels as if it were written by a thirteen year old boy. To make matters worse the film is overall just boring and predictable and the acting was so bad it made me even more anxious to see the characters get murdered. Which brings me to the death scenes. They were so horrible looking that I was actually cringing.

        Mind you, I wasn't cringing because they were to gory. Two of them were shot with CGI so bad the SyFy channel would have been embarrassed. The lesson here is that if you do not have the budget for a believable death scene, then just do not show it. Let your audiences imagination do the dirty work. Just to give you an example of how bad this movie sucked, the still to the left was as interesting as it ever got and even that scene was pretty boring. There are some failed attempts at humor and one other sex scene, but overall I actually feel like my IQ dropped a bit while watching this stinker of a movie. Blech...

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Beast Beneath (How Not To Make A Monster Movie)

Score: 2 out of 10

             Well, it's Monday and I'm looking around for a movie to watch when this little gem catches my eye. The cover looks pretty good and I do love a good monster movie. On top of that, "Based on a terrifying true tale." Where could I go wrong...? Everywhere. "Beast Beneath" was released in 2011 and was directed by Julian Higgins (who directed a bunch of other shit I've never heard of) and stars Bertie Higgins (I'd check to see if he is related to the director, but I just don't care), Mike Agresta and Phillip Agresta (once again, I just don't care). This movie is so bad it is a crime. How bad? I almost turned it off after realizing i had been watching for forty seven minutes and absolutely nothing had happened. To make things worse the acting sucked, the dialogue was terrible and the movie as a whole was just so unbelievably boring that for a moment I actually contemplated suicide!

            If there is any redeeming quality here it is that the creature effect was actually pretty good. When you finally see the creature it is actually pretty impressive. unfortunately the film builds no suspense at all, so as cool as the monster is, by the time you see it you probably won't even care. In closing, I have to say that this was a pretty lame movie and should probably be avoided. Normally I like to give credit to filmmakers for at least trying, but I do not feel like they were trying. Lesson to all filmmakers: If you base your film on a true story, please make sure it is an interesting one.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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