Female Vampire (Sweet Jesus...)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

      The first three minutes of this film had me laughing so hard I nearly choked to death. The film opens up with our main character walking in a foggy forest clad in only a cloak and a belt. We see a series of awkward close-ups of her. Then, and I swear I am not kidding, the actress actually walks into the camera. You can actually see her chin bump the camera lens. And that is what kind of shit-fest you are in for with this one. "Female Vampire (1973)" was written and directed By Jesus Franco (that should give you an idea of where this movie is going) and stars Lina Romay, Jack Taylor and Alice Arno. The plot is a sexy female vampire seduces men then kills them. Yup. That is it. If you have a hard time finding this movie, by the way, it is because the film has been re-released so many times under so many different titles, with it's director using so many different names that I could hardly do any research for this article.

        So, how bad does this movie suck? Normally I can forgive a lot of problems with a movie as long as there is a good story behind it all, or at least a good message. This, on the other hand, is a porno that was cut down so it could be sold to broader market. Judging by the quality of the version I saw, I am going to guess that even as by porn standards this movie is pretty terrible. There is no story and no character development. The "action" is boring, the acting is laughable and the directing is worse than any movie directed Ed Wood. At least when Wood mad a movie you could tell he at least cared about what he was doing. This movie was not even worth the time I spent watching it.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

P.S.
The Following is a list of titles this film was released under; Bare Breasted Countess, Erotic Kill, Insatiable Lust, Loves Of Irina, The Last Thrill, Black Countess and Sicarius-The Midnight Party,

Sacred Flesh (Erotic Horror Or Pandering Bullshit?)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         When I was a kid, the nuns I saw were bitter old ladies who could be described as anything but sexy. Yet, I keep meeting people from various walks of life who seem to have an attraction to these women. I do not understand it myself but the filmmakers here obviously seem to. (Sacred Flesh (2000) was written and directed by Nigel Wingrove and stars Sally Tremaine, Monya Cope and Simon Hill. What little plot there is focuses on a nun who receives sexual and violent visions from all the other nuns in her convent. She soon decides to take it upon herself to "cleanse" the other nuns. This film has very few (if any) redeeming qualities. But lets face it, if you are willing to invest your time and (hopefully not) money to watch this movie than you are probably not going to care very much about the quality of the plot, directing, special effects, writing and acting (for the record, the sets in this movie did look really cool). There is, however, a lot of sexually explicit scenes. The question for me is; Is it possible to mix eroticism with horror and still produce a good movie?

       I believe the answer is yes. Films like Antichrist (2009) and (believe it or not) "Strip Nude For Your Killer (1975)" do a wonderful job of mixing eroticism and horror. The key to it is to still tell a good story and convey a compelling message. That is what makes any movie good. Most flaws in a film could be overlooked as long as the audience is kept engaged in the story, just so long as you do not have too many flaws. But this movie fails because there is little to no story at all. On top of that, the dialogue suggests that there is some kind of deeper meaning behind all of it, but even that gets lost in all the explicit material. Honestly, if you are that into nuns, just get yourself a good antivirus program and search any porn site for nuns. Stop kidding yourself... pervert.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Bad Milo (Such a Piece Of Sh...)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          I feel like I have all ready made all the shit jokes I want to make right in the title of this blog, so from here on I am going to try not to make any more. I am not promising anything. "Bad Milo (2013) was directed by Jacob Vaughan and stars Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs and Patrick Warburton (Puddy from "Seinfeld"). The movie is about a man who has extremely painful bowel movements that are caused by stress. Then we learn that the pain is actually a demon that has been growing inside of him and after one particularly stressful day the demon actually makes it out of his ass hole and begins killing the people who cause the man stress. I cannot believe I actually just typed that shit out. And made a shit pun. God damn it. This movie is exactly what you expect it to be. Campy violence, lame puns and a handful of 'what the fuck' moments. What you probably would not expect is that this movie is surprisingly well acted and actually scores some pretty good laughs. The down side is that the story is kind of lame and the movie overall just feels kind of predictable.

         The essence of good horror (and comedy) is never knowing what to expect. If I can predict almost everything that happens right before it happens than it just lessons the blow. Instead of jumping, I am reaching for another handful of popcorn. Instead of laughing, I am just rolling my eyes. That is where this movie fails. It is not funny enough or scary enough for me to take it seriously one way or the other. It is like the movie is just stuck in 'shit limbo'. Gross...

Love,

   B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy  

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (Wrath in the form of Stupidity)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Have you ever been browsing a video on demand service (I would say browsing a video store, but honestly, who does that anymore) and saw a title that looked so stupid you felt you had to watch it just out of curiosity? That is exactly what happened to me. "Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan (2013)" was directed by Gary Jones and stars Joe Estevez (no, seriously), Dan Haggerty and Thomas Downey. The story is about some hunters who kill Bunyan's big blue ox causing him to go on a murderous rampage. That is pretty much it. What is wrong with this movie is exactly what is wrong with almost all movies directed by Gary Jones; The acting, writing, special effects and plot are complete garbage. I recommend you watch this movie with the mind set that it is a comedy because it completely fails as a horror movie. I started this blog with the intention of showing people that just because a film has a low budget and is poorly distributed does not mean it is a bad film. It is movie like this one, however, that undermine that point completely.

         What really bothered me about this movie is that they spent most of the film trying to convince the audience that Paul Bunyan is some unstoppable killing machine who will slaughter anyone who comes near him, then in the last ten minutes or so, go out of their way to make him look sympathetic. I understand that believable characters must have multiple layers to their personalities, but the film makers have taken a generic movie monster and turned him into a walking contradiction. Much worse is that they let him fall victim to so many horror movie monster cliches.  Sadly the only redeeming quality here is that the movie is only ninety minutes.

Love,

   The B-Movie guy

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A Fantastic Fear Of Everything (The Key Word Here Is Fantastic)

 Score: 8 Out Of 10

         I first heard about this film in a horror magazine maybe a year or so ago and thought, "It looks cool but I'll  probably never get around to watching it." So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when the movie was recommended for me on my Netflix account. "A Fantastic Fear Of Everything (2012)" was directed by Crispian Mills and Chris Hopewell and stars Simon Pegg, Paul Freeman and Amara Karan. The movie is about a writer working on a series of plays about nineteenth century serial killers and becomes paranoid that someone is actually trying to kill him. It is not long before that paranoia starts to combine itself with a couple of irrational fears that also happen to plague the main character. The plot plays out very well over an hour and forty minutes. There were absolutely no moments where I felt the story was too slow. In addition, Simon Pegg gives a pretty good performance as a struggling author named Jack. I have to wonder if Pegg was at all nervous about accepting this role. He has always been a pretty solid actor, but for about seventy percent of this film he is the only person on screen. As I was watching this I actually got the feeling like I was watching a one act play.

     
      This film was also truly funny. Due  to the success of "Shaun Of The Dead (2004)," I do not think anybody is questioning Pegg's ability to blend comedy and horror, but this film showcases the ability to do just that AND carry most of the film himself. I was belly laughing through large portions of this film (much to the annoyance of my wife) and actually rewound one scene and watched it again. In a weird kind of way, I also found my self identifying with the main character. I mean, who does not once in a while have this irrational fear of their own home and what might be lurking in the dark corners now and again. I am certainly not taking any of those occasional fears to such extremes but that is the fun of this movie (and many other dark comedies and horror movies),  is getting to watch someone else go over board.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy
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The Phantom Planet (So Stupid It's Painful)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

           I am not even sure where to begin with what all is wrong with this movie. I have watched a lot of bad science fiction movies in my day but this one was on a completely different level. "The Phantom Planet (1961)" was directed by William Marshall and stars Dean Fredericks, Coleen Gray and Anthony Dexter. Also, "James Bond" fans should keep an eye out for "The Solanite." A large monster played by Richard Kiel. The plot focuses on two astronauts that land on an asteroid, are shrunk down in size to match the inhabitants and then fight said inhabitants. I will just tell you outright, the acting, directing, writing and special effects are just bad. Even by mid-twentieth-century-sci-fi-movie-standards, they are bad. And much worse than that is that the movie was completely boring. I was watching the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version of this film and was still fighting to stay awake by the end of it. Sorry Mike, even your hilarious puns were not enough to save this stinker. Although the film does have one redeeming quality to it. The science behind it is so wrong that it is actually in a way pretty funny (hence the reason it wound up on MST3K).

          Now, I understand that in 1961 the average person probably was not that well versed in space travel. It was not like today where I can just Google something, but even back then I think people might have been rolling their eyes at this stinker. Two guys doing a space walk on the wing of their ship as if there is gravity and people breathing on the surface of an asteroid when there is not an atmosphere are just two of the many problems with this film. What really made me laugh was when the narrator announced that the year is 1980 and that space ships are launched by a space station on the moon. I guess if you come at this film from a comedy angle you will get some enjoyment out of it, but to be honest, there are a lot better ways to spend an hour and a half of your life... like watching grass grow.

Love,

   The B-Movie  Guy

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Detroit 9000 (Welcome To The Motor City)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

 

                Just because I know someone who reads this will wonder, '9000' is in the title because at the time this film was made, '9000' was the police code for officer down. "Detroit 9000 (1973)" was directed by Arthur Marks and stars Hari Rhodes, Alex Rocco and Vonetta McGee. Also, keep an eye out for Scatman Crothers; I really enjoyed his role in this movie. The plot tells of one white cop and one black cop that team up to solve a jewel heist that targets a black senator who is announcing his candidacy for mayor. For a film in the black exploitation genre, I have to give this film credit for being very well made. The dialogue is fun but not to corny, the acting was above par for the genre and it was pretty well directed. For the vast majority of this film, I was really into it. I admit that there are some moments when things slow down a little too much, but those moments are few and far between. I also want to mention the soundtrack. It was great! there were so many moments where I was really in to the music. So much so that I actually watched one scene over again because I was so into the music I missed what was happening!

 

          The down side is that this film has a powerful message behind it. I know that race is a pretty touchy subject and I do not want my blog to become a political argument, so I am going to make this point as well as I can without being offensive. Here goes; Normally I appreciate a film that can make a good statement, but this movie made it over and over. The first hour of the movie I was really behind them, but then after being beat over the head so much, I found myself rolling my eyes during every other scene. What the film makers should have done was make there message more subtle and let the audience draw there own conclusions about what this movie was about. My conclusion is that despite all this movie had going for it, they blew it.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Facebook: B-Movie Guy   Twitter: @BMovieguy