Witching and Bitching (Good Movie, Stupid Title)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

             I will admit that the only reason I watched this movie is because the poster creeped me out. Every time I would load up Netflix for like two weeks I would see the poster and think, 'Eww, I should watch that, but the title is just so stupid.' "Witching and Bitching (2013) was directed and co-written by Álex de la Iglesia and stars Hugo Silva, Mario Casas and Pepon Nieto. The movie tells the story of three robbers (one being the twelve year old son of another older robber) who hit up a cash for gold store in hilarious fashion. Before long, police and the young boys mother are pursuing the robbers while they themselves are confronting witches in a small, creepy town. So finally, after a week or two, I gave in and watched the movie and I was not disappointing "Witching and Bitching" is a clever mix of both comedy and horror. For every moment I was cringing (in a good way) I was chuckling. I especially like the nods to European witchcraft films from the 1970's. Think "The Blood On Satan's Claw (1971)" and "The Wicker Man (1973).

         
         What bothers me, on the other hand, is almost the exact same thing I liked about this movie. For all the inspiration it draws from older films, it does not offer us anything new. The horror genre the last ten years or so (and really almost all american mainstream cinema) has gotten stale. It is almost all remakes and rehashed ideas and this film is no different. Be that as it may, "W&B" is still a pretty entertaining film. There are plenty of surprises and laughs, but I just can not picture this movie having any long lasting appeal to older horror fans, but for younger fans who are new to the genre, there is plenty to love.

  

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Full Moon High (Would've been better if I were...)

Score: 3 Out of 10

             In the first half of the nineteen eighties there was a rash of werewolf movies. Some funny, some scary, some just downright weird. "An American Werewolf in London (1981)," "Teen Wolf (1985)" and "Wolfen (1981)" are some of the better films. But for all the good movies that fit into this sub-genre, there were some really bad ones. "Full Moon High (1981)" was written and directed by Larry Cohen and stars Adam Arkin, Roz Kelly and Ed McMahon. Also keep an eye out for some pretty interesting cameos. No joke, Bob Saget is shown naked in the first three minutes of this film. The plot is about a high school football player who goes to eastern Europe with his C.I.A. agent father, is bitten by a werewolf, becomes a werewolf and then somehow magically time travels twenty years into the future. Yeah, you read the last part correctly. So the movie as a whole is supposed to be a spoof of werewolf movies but it is really more of a spoof of "I Was A Teenage Werewolf (1957)." It should come as no surprise that "Teenage Werewolf" was a much better, and funnier film; even if it was not meant to be funny.

         Sadly, "Full Moon High" was meant to be funny, and for the entire ninety three minute run time I did not laugh once. I have a pretty dark sense of humor so dark comedies normally do well by me, but this movie was missing one key ingredient; humor. The jokes in this movie felt forced and half of them were just really bad puns (in hindsight, I guess if you like puns this movie is for you). Honestly, at a time when so many good werewolf movies were coming out, and even werewolf comedies, this movie just falls short. Do yourself a favor and skip this one and watch literally any other werewolf movie from the eighties.  I promise you will not regret it.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Big Ass Spider! (Maybe too big...)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

              I woke up earlier than normal on Sunday morning. I could not get back to sleep, so I eventually got up, went to the living room and started browsing movies on Netflix. This little gem caught my eye and I thought 'why not?' Honestly, my Sunday was not off to a bad start. "Big Ass Spider!" was directed by Mike Mendez and stars Greg Grunberg, Clare Kramer and Lombardo Boyar. The plot is about an exterminator hired by a hospital to kill a genetically modified spider and it is not long before horror/hilarity ensues. Normally when I watch these Sy-Fy-channel-original-esque movies I get very bored about an hour into the movie and start staring into my cell phone. This time, however, I was pretty into it for almost the entire movie. The film had a pretty good mix of humor and creepiness that kept me glued to the t.v. for at least the first hour of the movie. The last half hour of the movie is where the movie started to loose me. If they had kept this film about a spider that is pretty big, maybe the size of a small dog, than it would have been better.

     
      When the spider became giant is when the movie lost me. I have seen so many giant spider movies at this point that the whole idea is just boring now. If I ever see a giant spider in real life, there is a fair chance I might look at it and go 'meh,' then go about my day. When the spider was small the film was genuinely creepy and was actually setting itself aside from all the other low budget monster movies I had seen. Another thing that sucks about this plot twist is once the spider goes giant the CGI becomes painfully obvious and everything just starts to look like a cartoon. When the spider was small the CGI actually looked pretty cool. So I at least recommend the first part of this film. The first hour of so will not disappoint.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Strippers VS Werewolves (This Is An Actual Movie?)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

                That question I put as a subtitle, I find myself asking that a lot lately. I am still not sure why I even bothered to watch this movie. I have never been a fan of strippers and I tend to not like werewolf movies (although I have always loved the idea of werewolves). Yet, there was still a voice in the back of my mind that said, 'Maybe you will be surprised.' I was not. "Strippers VS Werewolves (2012)" was directed by Jonathan Glendening and stars Adele Silva, Martin Compston and Bill Murray (not the comedian and actor we all know and love, but the British actor who was in all those BBC shows i have never heard of). The plot is about a stripper who kills a werewolf chief and his crew who are now out for revenge. So besides what you can tell just by looking to the picture to the left, what is wrong with this movie? A lot. The pacing is bad. I feel like I spent more time waiting for something to happen than I did enjoying anything that actually did happen. The acting is pretty horrendous as well but I am guessing that is not a surprise to anyone. 

            None of this is to say that there is nothing good about this movie. There are some fun surprises and a nice cameo. I specifically like the references to older films that I actually enjoyed. In addition there some nudity in there (that is a good or bad thing depending on what kind of person you are, I won't judge) But none of those positives add up to a good movie. If the story is poor and is poorly told then you will still have a bad movie. For all the gore, boobies (not judging), surprises and hi jinks you can squeeze into a film, you still need a compelling story. And that is what this movie lacks. It is a fun idea, but maybe it should have just stayed as an idea.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

H.O.T.S. (Trashy AND Funny)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

           This is one of those movies where you invite some friends over, have a couple of beers, pop some popcorn and just laugh the night away. You and your friends, by the way, are not going to be laughing because the film itself is genuinely funny, but because of how ridiculously bad it is. "H.O.T.S. (1979)" was directed by Gerald Seth Sindell and stars Susan Kiger, Pamela Jean Bryant and Danny Bonaduce (I would love to make fun of him for being in this film, but who could blame him for wanting to costar with a bunch of Playboy Playmates). The plot is... well... Virtually nonexistent for one thing. It really seems like a group of girls start a sorority, get into to trouble with the dean for being too risque, then feud (for almost no reason) with another sorority. The feud, by the way, consists of pranks and a wet t-shirt contest and culminates in a (spoiler) game of strip football. So you have probably guessed by now that this is not a great movie, but to be honest, it was not meant to be a great movie. For your time and money it promises cheap laughs and lots and lots of boobies and to be fair it does deliver on both. The adult in me really wants to roll my eyes at this one but the teenager found it hilarious.

        It really is, however, how over the top bad this movie that made me enjoy it. All of the high jinks the girls get into play out so terribly and so ridiculously that I could not help but laugh at all of it. The girls have a sea lion as their mascot. So rather than have a guy in a sea lion mascot costume, there is a hand full of scenes with an actual sea lion. And that is the kind of shit that made me like this movie. It did not have good acting or a good script or even a real budget (I could imagine that most of it went to the actresses) but what this movie does have is, like it's main characters, heart and charm.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

The Iron Rose (Pleasantly Surprised)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

          Most times when I watch a film by Jean Rollin I am left with two thoughts; 1) What in the actual fuck did I just see? And 2) This was a porno that he just edited into an actual movie, wasn't it? Honestly, this time, the latter did not occur to me and the first thought only occurred once or twice. "The Iron Rose (1973)" was directed by Jean Rollin and stars Francoise Pascal and Hugues Quester. The plot is about a man and a woman who meet up at a cemetery for some after hours love making and then realize that they are trapped inside and there fears are starting to get the best of them. Let me say here that this is actually one of Rollin's better films. It is dark, atmospheric and has a lot of shots that are just really pretty. There were a lot of moments where I caught myself thinking, 'Wow, that is a really beautiful shot.' On top of that, this film is also better acted than most of the other films I have seen from Rollin. Possibly related, this one of the few films I have seen from this guy that is not about vampires and did not begin life as a pornographic film. The film is actually a pretty good example of how to be erotic with out being trashy.

       Although, like I mentioned earlier, there were a couple of moments where I just did not know  what to make of what I was seeing. The picture to my right is a prime example. Like, is that Rollin's attempt at humor or is that supposed to be some sort of deep statement? Also, the film is not very well paced. There are at least a few moments in the film where I was just kind of waiting for something to happen or fighting the urge to look at my phone. Over all, "Rose" is not a bad movie, it has some flaws and some WTF moments, but trust me, I have seen much, much worse from Jean Rollin.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy

Loaded (A.K.A. Bloody Weekend)

Score: 1 Out Of 10

         Have you ever had to sit in a room with a group of people and one of them constantly acted like they were the smartest person in the world yet every one around them knew they were an idiot? That is exactly how I felt watching this movie. "Loaded (1994)" was directed by Anna Campion and stars Oliver Milburn, Dearbhla Molloy and Danny Cunningham. The plot is about a group of friends who drive out to a remote location to film a horror movie but things take a turn for the worst when they drop acid. This is another one of those "horror within a horror" movies that was so popular in the nineties. The problem here is that the movie itself seems worse than movie within it. If you had sat me down and showed me the film these kids were trying to make I probably would have had a better experience. One aspect of what makes this movie so bad is the story. The characters are completely erratic, even for people taking hallucinogenic drugs. It is difficult to get a sense of who someone is when there character seems to change every couple of scenes.

        The next problem is the one I hinted at right at the beginning of this blog. I did not think it was possible for a movie to be pretentious but I stand corrected. Watching it, I almost got the sense that the film itself was looking down its nose at me. What this really means is that the filmmakers attempted to make an art film with out having any sense of artistic film making. This is a problem I have encountered before but this is the absolute worst. Do not, by any means watch this movie. If someone gives you a copy, consider it a personal insult.

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

Twitter: @BMovieguy