Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (Wrath in the form of Stupidity)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

         Have you ever been browsing a video on demand service (I would say browsing a video store, but honestly, who does that anymore) and saw a title that looked so stupid you felt you had to watch it just out of curiosity? That is exactly what happened to me. "Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan (2013)" was directed by Gary Jones and stars Joe Estevez (no, seriously), Dan Haggerty and Thomas Downey. The story is about some hunters who kill Bunyan's big blue ox causing him to go on a murderous rampage. That is pretty much it. What is wrong with this movie is exactly what is wrong with almost all movies directed by Gary Jones; The acting, writing, special effects and plot are complete garbage. I recommend you watch this movie with the mind set that it is a comedy because it completely fails as a horror movie. I started this blog with the intention of showing people that just because a film has a low budget and is poorly distributed does not mean it is a bad film. It is movie like this one, however, that undermine that point completely.

         What really bothered me about this movie is that they spent most of the film trying to convince the audience that Paul Bunyan is some unstoppable killing machine who will slaughter anyone who comes near him, then in the last ten minutes or so, go out of their way to make him look sympathetic. I understand that believable characters must have multiple layers to their personalities, but the film makers have taken a generic movie monster and turned him into a walking contradiction. Much worse is that they let him fall victim to so many horror movie monster cliches.  Sadly the only redeeming quality here is that the movie is only ninety minutes.

Love,

   The B-Movie guy

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A Fantastic Fear Of Everything (The Key Word Here Is Fantastic)

 Score: 8 Out Of 10

         I first heard about this film in a horror magazine maybe a year or so ago and thought, "It looks cool but I'll  probably never get around to watching it." So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when the movie was recommended for me on my Netflix account. "A Fantastic Fear Of Everything (2012)" was directed by Crispian Mills and Chris Hopewell and stars Simon Pegg, Paul Freeman and Amara Karan. The movie is about a writer working on a series of plays about nineteenth century serial killers and becomes paranoid that someone is actually trying to kill him. It is not long before that paranoia starts to combine itself with a couple of irrational fears that also happen to plague the main character. The plot plays out very well over an hour and forty minutes. There were absolutely no moments where I felt the story was too slow. In addition, Simon Pegg gives a pretty good performance as a struggling author named Jack. I have to wonder if Pegg was at all nervous about accepting this role. He has always been a pretty solid actor, but for about seventy percent of this film he is the only person on screen. As I was watching this I actually got the feeling like I was watching a one act play.

     
      This film was also truly funny. Due  to the success of "Shaun Of The Dead (2004)," I do not think anybody is questioning Pegg's ability to blend comedy and horror, but this film showcases the ability to do just that AND carry most of the film himself. I was belly laughing through large portions of this film (much to the annoyance of my wife) and actually rewound one scene and watched it again. In a weird kind of way, I also found my self identifying with the main character. I mean, who does not once in a while have this irrational fear of their own home and what might be lurking in the dark corners now and again. I am certainly not taking any of those occasional fears to such extremes but that is the fun of this movie (and many other dark comedies and horror movies),  is getting to watch someone else go over board.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy
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The Phantom Planet (So Stupid It's Painful)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

           I am not even sure where to begin with what all is wrong with this movie. I have watched a lot of bad science fiction movies in my day but this one was on a completely different level. "The Phantom Planet (1961)" was directed by William Marshall and stars Dean Fredericks, Coleen Gray and Anthony Dexter. Also, "James Bond" fans should keep an eye out for "The Solanite." A large monster played by Richard Kiel. The plot focuses on two astronauts that land on an asteroid, are shrunk down in size to match the inhabitants and then fight said inhabitants. I will just tell you outright, the acting, directing, writing and special effects are just bad. Even by mid-twentieth-century-sci-fi-movie-standards, they are bad. And much worse than that is that the movie was completely boring. I was watching the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version of this film and was still fighting to stay awake by the end of it. Sorry Mike, even your hilarious puns were not enough to save this stinker. Although the film does have one redeeming quality to it. The science behind it is so wrong that it is actually in a way pretty funny (hence the reason it wound up on MST3K).

          Now, I understand that in 1961 the average person probably was not that well versed in space travel. It was not like today where I can just Google something, but even back then I think people might have been rolling their eyes at this stinker. Two guys doing a space walk on the wing of their ship as if there is gravity and people breathing on the surface of an asteroid when there is not an atmosphere are just two of the many problems with this film. What really made me laugh was when the narrator announced that the year is 1980 and that space ships are launched by a space station on the moon. I guess if you come at this film from a comedy angle you will get some enjoyment out of it, but to be honest, there are a lot better ways to spend an hour and a half of your life... like watching grass grow.

Love,

   The B-Movie  Guy

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Detroit 9000 (Welcome To The Motor City)

Score: 6 Out Of 10

 

                Just because I know someone who reads this will wonder, '9000' is in the title because at the time this film was made, '9000' was the police code for officer down. "Detroit 9000 (1973)" was directed by Arthur Marks and stars Hari Rhodes, Alex Rocco and Vonetta McGee. Also, keep an eye out for Scatman Crothers; I really enjoyed his role in this movie. The plot tells of one white cop and one black cop that team up to solve a jewel heist that targets a black senator who is announcing his candidacy for mayor. For a film in the black exploitation genre, I have to give this film credit for being very well made. The dialogue is fun but not to corny, the acting was above par for the genre and it was pretty well directed. For the vast majority of this film, I was really into it. I admit that there are some moments when things slow down a little too much, but those moments are few and far between. I also want to mention the soundtrack. It was great! there were so many moments where I was really in to the music. So much so that I actually watched one scene over again because I was so into the music I missed what was happening!

 

          The down side is that this film has a powerful message behind it. I know that race is a pretty touchy subject and I do not want my blog to become a political argument, so I am going to make this point as well as I can without being offensive. Here goes; Normally I appreciate a film that can make a good statement, but this movie made it over and over. The first hour of the movie I was really behind them, but then after being beat over the head so much, I found myself rolling my eyes during every other scene. What the film makers should have done was make there message more subtle and let the audience draw there own conclusions about what this movie was about. My conclusion is that despite all this movie had going for it, they blew it.

 

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates Of Hell (Part 3 Of 3)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

            Admittedly, the first two "Wishmaster (1997 and 1999)" films were not that bad. Some blood, some guts, some humor and a lot of fun. This film on the other hand is just plain bad. "Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates Of Hell (2001)" was directed by Chris Angel (not the equally-as-lame-as-this-movie illusionist) and stars Jason Connery, A.J. Cook and John Novak. The plot is a watered down version of the first movies plot, only this time around the djinn is focusing on a college girl and her friends (this is nowhere near as fun as it sounds). So, if you take away everything that made the first couple of movies enjoyable and add bad acting, writing, and one good special effect in a sea of bad ones what you would be left with is "Wishmaster 3." By the way, the "special effect" that bothered me the most was when one character gets his face ripped off. The prosthetic face comes off and underneath is the actors real face just covered in blood. You can still see his eyelashes. Yeah... That bad.

           The most troubling aspect of this film is John Novak's portrayal of the djinn. In the "Nightmare On Elm St." franchise, it is always Robert Englund playing "Freddy Kruger." So if nothing else you know you will at least get the enjoyment of watching Englund do what he does best even if the movie was not that good. Andrew Divoff did a great job playing the djinn, even if the second film was not that great, you still got to watch Divoff giving a pretty fun performance. Novak, on the other hand, gives us a performance that is way to hammy for me to take him seriously. Even with the rest of the film being terrible, I still would have given it a better score if they had just gotten Andrew Divoff back.

Love, 

   The B-Movie Guy

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Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (Part 2 Of 3)

Score: 5 Out Of 10

          The First "Wishmaster (1997)" is pretty good. It' funny and creepy. The special effects are pretty cool and there are plenty of fun cameos if you know your horror movies. The sequel is another story. "Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999)" was directed by Jack Sholder (different director) and stars Andrew Divoff (same actor), Holly Fields and Chris Weber. The plot once again tells the story of an ancient Djinn once again released in our modern day society to grant evil versions of peoples wishes. This time his plan is to grant one thousand and one wishes so his race will inherit the Earth. The immediate problem with this movie is that the first act is essentially just one giant plot hole. After a botched art robbery and unwittingly unleashing the Wishmaster (who is now referring to himself as such, by the way), the main character is forced to leave her dying boyfriend behind. The Djinn grants the dying man his wish that he had never been born which leads to some pretty lame CGI effects. Then the main character spends the next half hour grieving over her dead boyfriend... who she should not remember... because he was never born...

      Some of the elements that made the first movie good are in play here. The acting is pretty solid (not Oscar worthy, of course, but solid) and I like that there seems to be less CGI in this movie than in its predecessor. Also close to the end there is a pretty cool magic rampage scene that is full of awesome homegrown special effects. But despite the high points, a lot of what made the first one cool just seems to be missing. There are no cameos worth mentioning and most of the humor behind it just left me rolling my eyes. Even the ending just seems like a watered down version of the first films ending. Just lame.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

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Wishmaster (Part 1 of 3)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

           I had some pretty low expectations for this movie. I watched the trailer and thought, 'this is gonna be all kinds of lame.' But I was pleasantly surprised when the opening sequence actually drew me in. "Wishmaster (1997)" was directed by Robert Kurtzman and stars Tammy Lauren, Andrew Divoff and Robert Englund (of Freddy Kruger fame). Also keep an eye out for Kane Hodder (Jason Vorhees) and Tony Todd (Candy Man). The film tells the story of an evil genie (or a Djinn; BTW, check out the Wikipedia page for these guys. pretty interesting stuff) who is trapped in a gem stone in ancient Persia, then is released in present times (actually about seventeen years ago) to cause havoc by twisting peoples wishes around in a classic style. The story really opens the door for some really cool creature effects. Also I like that the movie starts by showing you some pretty awesome effects. I just really appreciate how much time and effort goes into making really good, believable looking monsters. Especially the look of the Djinn himself (some pretty solid acting on the part of Andrew Divoff does not hurt either).

           The other side of the special effects coin is that there is some pretty terrible CGI in play here as well. I fell like you can not blame budget constraints for bad computer effects, though. They had about five million dollars to play with. I think this is a case of computer generated imagery not being as good as we remember it being in the mid to late nineties. All that aside, this is a pretty good horror flick. I say turn out the lights, pop some popcorn and spend an hour and a half daydreaming about the wishes you would make.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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