Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (I Was Cheering For The Zombies)

Score: 2 Out Of 10

            Hey guys, I just heard about this book that is getting super popular! So popular that they are actually making a movie out of it! It's about Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires. Now I know this sounds crazy, but what if we made our own movie where Abe fights zombies and we completely ignore history and just put it out as soon as possible! That could work, right? The answer is no. No it does not work. "Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies" was released in 2010 and was directed by Richard Schenkman and stars Bill Oberst Jr., Kent Igleheart and Rhianna Van. Having Spent an hour and thirty minutes watching this stinker of a film, I can honestly say I hate all of the people I just mentioned.

      So where does this film go wrong? Everywhere. The make up effects where terrible. When you make a zombie film you really have a chance to get creative with the zombies themselves. Think about the variety of ways that these people would have died, then incorporate that into there make up. Apparently all these people died from natural causes or simply a zombie bite. Then there is the special effects. There was so much bad CGI in this movie at times I felt like I was watching someone play a video game. In fact, they used CGI to make fire and smoke come out of the guns. This creates many shots where guns that are not cocked get fired. you never see the hammer move at all!

            On top of this the writing was just bad and the acting was worse. The majority of the action takes place in the south, but the characters who are found living there just barely (if at all) have a southern accent. Overall this movie was pretty bad. I have to admit I actually feel ashamed just for having watched it in the first place.



Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

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Trip With The Teacher (it would have been more exciting if they stayed home)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

 

                  I always love a good exploitation flick. I can not say, however, that this film is an exception because it is just not good. "Trip With the Teacher" was directed by Earl Barton (this film was, by the way, the only time he actually directed) and stars Zalman King, Robert Gribbon and Cathy Worthington. I know there are probably gonna be some people hating on me because Mr. King has somewhat of a cult following but I personally believe that his following is attributed to his work as a director, not an actor. In fact it was performance that bothered me the most out of every body's. Every one's acting was kinda bad, but the entire film, it was almost as if King was falling asleep. I get that he was supposed to be dangerous and mysterious, but I just found it completely annoying. What bothers me even more is that I have seen Zalman King act in other films before and he wasn't bad. I'm not sure if I should attribute this to bad acting or bad directing. Was Barton encouraging that?

 

              Another thing that really killed it for me was how boring this film is. For the first thirty minutes almost nothing happens. Then even when things do start to pick up the film is so horribly paced I still get bored watching. By an hour into the movie I was really fighting the urge to turn it off. In conclusion. Bad acting. Bad pacing. Boring Story. Boring action scenes. Poor Direction. Are there any redeeming qualities here? Yes. The soundtrack was pretty good and I felt the poor film quality helped to build a really nice atmosphere. Unfortunately that is all the film really has going for it.

 

Love,

    The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovie guy #Bmovieblog   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

 

 

Tucker and Dale VS. Evil (It's like Deliverance, only funnier)

Score: 7 out of 10 

    Boy, did I misjudge this one. When I first saw the title on Netflix I thought, "No way. That looks really stupid." Then I thought back to some of the other films I have blogged about and still thought "No." Then my father-in-law and my wife (who normally hates my taste in movies) spent quite a while ranting about how funny it was and how much I would love this. Reluctantly I sat down and was proven total ly wrong. "Tucker and Dale vs. Evil" is about two backwards-ass-rednecks who buy a summer home (an old run down shack that kind of reminds me of the old "Friday the 13th" sets) and accidently scare some colledge kids camping in the area. Later they rescue one of them from drowning and the poor girl's friends believe that our redneck heros have kidnapped her and attemp to get her back resulting in some hilariously gorey scenes. It stars Tyler Labine, Alan Tudyk and Katrina Bowden. It was Directed by Eli Craig.

         Friends, I know why most of you guys read this blog (I do see the analytics once in a while) and personally I'm a little offended. That being said, I am not going to tell you if this film has any nudity or not. You will just have to look at the picture to the right and judge for yourself. Regardless of boobies or no boobies, this film was hilarious! I was genuinly laughing and there were quite a few moments where I was thinking "Wow, that is really gory!" In addition, the story was pretty believable (probably more so than a lot of the films it lampoons) and the acting was pretty top notch. I mean, you are most likely not going to see any of these actors or actresses win any academy awards, but if I happen to see their names on a movie poster it might get me to watch another film. Another thing I would like to point out is how much amazing chemistry was between Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyk (Tucker and Dale), These two work so well together on camera that I would be willing to believe that they are best friends in real life. I would love to see them revive these characters for another few movies.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy #Bmovieblog
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Galaxy Of Terror (Beware The Giant Raping Worm!)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

             As much as I would love to sit hear and type a few paragraphs about how terrible this film was, I can not. In fact it was somewhat enjoyable. The special effects were not bad (although a tad bit out dated for 1981 standards), the acting was pretty good and it did help start the careers of both Bill Paxton and James Cameron (that last part being a good thing is arguable. For those of you who love trivia, Mr. Cameron was the art director and Mr. Paxton was the set dresser). "Galaxy of Terror" was directed by Bruce D. Clark and stars Edward Albert, Erin Moran and Ray Walston. By the way, keep an eye out for (70's exploitation star) Sid Haig, (Pre-Freddy Krueger) Robert Englund and (late night cable porn master) Zalmond King! I for one just find it so amazing that so many popular and talented (i feel the need to say popular and talented because I feel that not everybody mentioned fits into both categories.) people came together to make such a campy movie.

         The films plot focuses on a rescue crew that answers a distress beacon and are attacked by monsters. The problem with this film, besides ripping off several other sci-fi films (and rather blatantly, might I ad), is the pacing. I have said time and time again that pacing can ruin on otherwise damn good movie and this is a perfect example. There are so many moments where I felt glued to my television, but they are all broken up by long, drawn out, boring and sometimes pointless scenes (I actually feel like this movie could have been about twenty minutes). For that reason there were many moments where I found it hard to pay attention and that is why this film only gets a seven.

Love,
   The B-Movie Guy
Twitter: @BMovieguy   #Bmovieblog  
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Howard the Duck (This Film Cost $36,000,000)

Score: 4 Out Of 10

           Let's just consider the title of this blog for a moment. This movie cost thirty six million dollars to produce. There are a lot of things you could do with thirty six million dollars. Example: I would fund a science project to make a half man half duck that would follow me around and drop one liners and that would be way more entertaining than this movie was. Now, just to give you some background, I vaguely remember watching this when was a small b-movie child but for the life of me could not remember a thing about it. When I saw it coming on HBO I thought, "Why not?" "Howard the Duck" was directed by Willard Huyk and stars Lea Thompson (who I have a new found admiration for after she nearly simulated a sex scene with a midget in a duck costume), Jeffrey Jones and Ed Gale.

                  Well if nothing else, now I remember 'why not.' It was boring, unfunny and suffered a serious personality crisis. The first half of the film is kind of a perverted comedy. Howard (he is the duck) walks around getting into trouble, making one liners and just generally being perverted. then the second half of the movie tries to become a sci-fi/action movie complete with chase scenes and mutant monsters. The really sad part is from what I'm told, this was Marvel's first attempt turning one of their comics into a full length feature film. BLECHHH!

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy

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Nude Nuns With Big Guns (Not As Cool As You Would Think)

Score: 3 Out Of 10

                 I honestly have nothing nice to say about this movie. The only reason it even scored a three out of ten is because I did not feel this film was as bad as some other films I have reviewed. "Nude Nuns" was written and directed by Joseph Guzman and it stars Asun Ortega, David Castro and Perry D'Marco. From beginning to end it was nothing more than a pure shitfest. To be fair the film did have it's share of nude nuns and some pretty big guns, but beyond that it offers very little. The plot is as basic as can be (a nun kills people because god wants her to get revenge for a slaughtered convent), the dialogue is terrible, the acting is all over the place (as soon as somebody starts to give a good performance they immediately do something to ruin it) and the movie as a whole is largely ripped off from almost every film ever mad by Robert Rodriguez.

         I'm not kidding. The worst is during the opening credits. I am ninety nine percent sure that was theme from "Planet Terror" playing. It is almost as if some studio bought a script and could not get Rodriguez to direct so they got Guzman (who by the way also directed "Run! Bitch, Run!"). In short I can not recommend you watch this film unless you are very drunk or need something to just make you feel angry for having wasted your time. You should be ashamed, Mr. Guzman.

Love,

   The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy   #nudenuns   #BMovieblog   Facebook: B-Movie Guy

The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu (Comedic Horror)

Score: 7 Out Of 10

            I guess I am just rolling on the Lovecraft train lately. I was reading from the Necronomicon (this word should be familiar to any Sam Raimi fans out there) and got bored and decided to watch a movie. That is when I stumbled across "The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu." Our film is about a couple of slackers who are contacted by an ancient society and informed that one of them is the last living relative of famed horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. Then they are told that all the stories are real and are given a relic to protect. They then embark on a quest to find the the legendary Captain Olaf (keep an eye out for a reference to D.C. Comics) and divert the end of the world a la the return of Cthulhu. The movie was Directed by Henry Saine and stars Kyle Davis, Devin McGinn (who also wrote the film) and Matt Bauer. I must say that this film was pretty entertaining through out.

            The film as a whole was not short on humor. Through out the one hour and eighteen minutes it played I was laughing pretty consistently. I am also pretty impressed with the special effects and the creature costume. The lesson would be filmmakers can definitely take away from this film is that you should not have to heavily rely on C.G.I.. Your film could look just as good with paint, latex and a trip or two to the local butcher's shop. That being said, there was a tiny bit of gore here but not enough to really gross anyone out (unless you are particularly squeamish). So over all I say job well done. This film featured clever writing, lots of action and some cool effects. I am pleasantly surprised considering I thought I would hate it.

Love,

  The B-Movie Guy.

Twitter: @BMovieguy  #bmovieblog  #thelastlovecraft

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P.S.

If anybody is geeky enough to make a mask out of pic number two, please send me a pic!